#1
okay this is my first post... this is only a poem but im wondering if it has any potential... tell me what you think

The shadowed kiss I once remember
Blissful and eternal, a sanctuary of fate
But in one instant, the dreaded words
Over-shadowed by hate and pain
My clouded judgment rises again
A weary darkness will pierce my soul
But when light peers though the adamantine darkness
I see the glory of which I seek
An angel, suspended on silver wings
Soaring high above undying chaos
My choice, with you, I want to be
One-winged angels, is you and me

im not too keen on the ending.. but tell me watcha thinkk
#3
its about losing someone you are close to and then you find true happyness elsewhere=) hehehe but yeah the ending is crap
Last edited by bunch_dark at Feb 7, 2007,
#4
nice work. i love it, but you already knew that. what does admantine mean?
haha

darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#5
The shadowed kiss I once remember
Blissful and eternal, a sanctuary of fate
But in one instant, the dreaded words
Over-shadowed by hate and paini would make it 'pain and hate'
My clouded judgment rises again
A weary darkness will pierce my soul
But when light peers though the adamantine darknesstry shortening this line
I see the glory of which I seek
An angel, suspended on silver wings
Soaring high above undying chaos
My choice, with you, I want to be
One-winged angels, is you and me


and yea, i dont like the last 3 lines.the rest is awsome and great. so dont change anything, except maby the sujjestions i made, but u dont have to, thats just me. crit any of mine if u could
#6
Don't know where this quote is from but someone I know showed it to me, seems to relate to the title.

"We are each of us angels with only onewing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."

As for the ending line, change the "is" to "are"? Sorry I can't help much!
#7
Hmm, one winged angel is a wicked song by Nobuo Uematsu from FFVII

Typo on line 7, "peers through*" The idea of two people with one wing each forming an angel is potentially usable, but the rest of it just seems exhausted.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#8
Love The Poem, The Ending Was Kinda Weird, But Over all Its a Good Peice of Writeing.

If you Write This As A Song......Let me Be one Of the First to See it, ok?

Peace
#9
thanks guys... i'll be sure to crit your songs soon
Quote by MightyAl
Incest, the game the whole family can play. Now for ages 3+
#10
okay. time for a real crit. FACE MY WRATH

The shadowed kiss I once remember
Blissful and eternal, a sanctuary of fate
But in one instant, the dreaded words
Over-shadowed by hate and pain
these four lines having really subtle rhyming. the effect is really good
My clouded judgment rises again
A weary darkness will pierce my soul
something about the first line (my clouded judgement) just seems like wow to me. my favourtie part
But when light peers though the adamantine darkness
I see the glory of which I seek
now that i know what admantine means, this makes way more sense. youre like, really articulate. smarty pants.
An angel, suspended on silver wings
Soaring high above undying chaos
nice use of undying.
My choice, with you, I want to be
One-winged angels, is you and me
good solid ending. kind of wraps the whole thing up. overall, really really good. i love it...jsut like i said before. haha. btw dont crit me back. this is a freebie
haha


em
The only truly consistent people are dead people.