#1
Alright, a somewhat mushy ballad I wrote a little while ago. Tell me what you think!

A golden sun above a clear blue sea
A portrait of beauty has come to me
Something more than I deserve
Something more than of this earth
Something's all that I can say
When that something takes my breath away.

Sapphires set in a crown of gold
A waking dream, a life to hold.
More than I could ever ask,
More than I could want.
More than every yesterday
So much more than I can say.

Where words fail, actions speak,
But there is no motion that can convey.
How something makes me feel this way.
#2
i like this but it isnt a song... its a poem.. I mean, think of music today... there isnt much repitition in the songs.. In order to be successful with this piece... you should try and come up with different words or something.. I dont know what this sounds like so i cant really judge it but as far as im concerned..... ditch the rhyming scheme (it never really helped anyone) but otherwise it isnt bad. crit for crit
#3
Its really good, and i know you perposly meant to start sentences with the same word as the the one prior to it, but it would sound better if you didn't... but everything else is good:rhyming scheme(AABBCC),flow,punctuation and capitalization, keep up the good work!

Crit mine if you can.
#4
Yeah, a lot of stuff I've been doing lately has lots of rhymes. I think it's because I've been listening to tons of Beatles, and it's making me think in AABB kind of writing. I'll crit you both, thanks for the input.
#5
"Something's all that I can say" i dont like this line, u used somthing twice already, even tho probly on purpose, but this 'somthing' just seems stuck in there to have another 'something' try changing this one.the rest i like, but its jsut that one line that bugged me a little, but if u wana keep it the same, it wont make the whole thing horrible,it will still be good.

crit any of mine if u could