#1
this king of machines,
wed seventeen times to the cobblestone streets,
wrapped his pedigree wounds in saline tourniquets.
his crutch of snakes,
lips split with somnolence, lowered him into his grave.
an eighteenth skeletal angel eclipsed these failed ribs.
her aura sentenced the crow's feet to the gallows.
perforated, she would still outshine the brightest of purples.

when she opened her mouth, her words would slide out
through her lips like ribbons,
and they'd suture stiletto wounds in his anaemic lungs.
derailed by whispers, he would speak in anagrams:
disguised as a cypher, his words would read:
"i'm in love."

this king of machines
severed seventeen nooses with the guillotine.
but she faltered; trees grabbed at her ankles and lashed at her throat.
this one-eyed serpent,
restless in malachite, she breathed like a cavalcade;
her marbled desires had turned themselves into forked tongues,
and for this, she sentenced herself to the gallows.
her womb became unshackled once again, and she was free.

and the crows would peck at the hole in her neck
until she fell to ribbons,
and they'd syphon the warmth from inside his anaemic lungs.
her atonement proved lachrymal, and he wept cryptography.
his tears were deciphered, and they read:
"i'm in love."

this king of machines
wed eighteen times to the guillotine.
the dagger became a source of escape,
and he whispered his last words to its blade:
"i'm in love."

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Feb 8, 2007,
#2
I really enjoyed the 1st and last stanzas, you kinda lost me in the middle though, mostly in the 2nd half of the 3rd stanza, I can't really make sense of it. I love the theme of the piece, the only thing I could suggest would be to organize it a little more. In a few areas you have rhyme, whereas most of the piece doesn't, and that can be rather irksome.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#3
I'm glad to say that you're pumping out some of the best stuff you've ever written right now.

This is really good. Like really good.

<3
#5
This is excellent. Really an amazing piece. There are some parts that I find kind of awkward, but for the most part brilliantly written.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#6
I like this piece I agree with it being rather confusing
But i really liked the mood you set with it!

Crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=522183
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#7
Quote by Grovermans
this king of machines,
wed seventeen times to the cobblestone streets,
wrapped his pedigree wounds in saline tourniquets.
his crutch of snakes,
lips split with somnolence, lowered him into his grave.
I have no idea what that word means
an eighteenth skeletal angel eclipsed these failed ribs.
her aura sentenced the crow's feet to the gallows.
perforated, she would still outshine the brightest of purples.
Not a fan of "perforate" here, but as I have no idea what this is about you probably have perfect reason for it.

when she opened her mouth, her words would slide out
through her lips like ribbons,
and they'd suture stiletto wounds in his anaemic lungs.
derailed by whispers, he would speak in anagrams:
disguised as a cypher, his words would read:

"i'm in love."
Alrighty. I think you should use just one of the lines I bolded, just I think you only need one of the lines.

this king of machines
severed seventeen nooses with the guillotine.
but she faltered; trees grabbed at her ankles and lashed at her throat.
this one-eyed serpent,
King/she I don't think works, I'd like some conistence with the gender of whatever it is you're talking about
restless in malachite, she breathed like a cavalcade;
her marbled desires had turned themselves into forked tongues,
and for this, she sentenced herself to the gallows.
her womb became unshackled once again, and she was free.
I'd take out the last bit on "she was free" and leave it with the unshackled womb image.

and the crows would peck at the hole in her neck
until she fell to ribbons,
and they'd syphon the warmth from inside his anaemic lungs.
her atonement proved lachrymal, and he wept cryptography.
his tears were deciphered, and they read:
"i'm in love."
Better than the last time you used this.

this king of machines
wed eighteen times to the guillotine.
the dagger became a source of escape,
and he whispered his last words to its blade:
"i'm in love."

For me this was a bit less of a bang than I expected. I mean I didn't get the piece but I thought you painted much better and stronger images earlier on in the piece, and this didn't quite match up.


Eh, I tried to find something.

Thanks Grovermans.
#8
"King/she I don't think works, I'd like some conistence with the gender of whatever it is you're talking about"

it's talking about a different person

haha but thanks jamieee.

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
I feel like you're almost developing into a style-type writer, rather than a substance writer.

Invoking moods, almost, through words, as opposed to painting a picture. (Not that this doesn't have imagery, it definately has great imagery. I hope you understand what I'm saying.)

I like it, you've developed a lot in your time gone.
#11
it talks about the sacrifices made for love,
the guilt associated with those sacrifices,
and the way people deal with that guilt.

it's told in the form of a love story,
involving a king who has eighteen
wives but only falls in love with one.

i'm sure you can understand the rest from there.

I just want to sleep forever.


#12
Thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this piece. I loved the cryptic wording you used. The piece had a very epic quality, which I thought was wonderful. Also the theme is pretty cool as well. The flow was kind of strange to me, but that might just be me. Nevertheless, it was a great piece, and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Feb 10, 2007,
#15
I liked it, sorry for not seeing it sooner. It's very different for you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching