#1
This bed creaks and the coffin was lowered
Sounding the same, as I imagined
And it cuts my dreams, my subconscious, I taste it
It rolls about my tongue like an overlooked scene

Heaven is hell to the unhappiest man
When you get what you want, it’s not what you planned
So jump in the ocean and swim for the land
The market is cornered on “not going as planned”

I switch to first gear, escape off the sidewalk
From going too slowly through the city at night
Cutting through crossroads and closing my eyes
If I see the light, keep me in mind

I get the streetlights to change when I sing
Escaping through red ones, burning with sweat
This is to chickens, what eggs are to first
And I can imagine, for the second your rush

Heaven is hell to the unhappiest man
When you get what you want, it’s not what you planned
So jump in the ocean and swim for the land
The market it cornered on “not going as planned”

_____________________________________________________

C4C
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Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#3
Very, very good. You're getting better . I like the ideas and the pictures.

Heaven is hell to the unhappiest man

That, I reckon is why I'm going to hell. :P
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#4
better not be, for 2 reasons
How can you be unhappy with me while i'm around?
And secondly, since when are you a man Ally
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#5
Since you became a woman
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#6
it's very good, the imagery and flow is great. The only problem I have with it is rhyming planned with planned...
#7
Yeah that was my only problem too but i thought, STUFF IT, i'm not doing it for the rhyme - i'm doing it for the lyrics, so we can live with it

Thanks for your crits
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
This bed creaks and the coffin was lowered
Sounding the same, as I imagined
And it cuts my dreams, my subconscious, I taste it
It rolls about my tongue like an overlooked scene Good.

Heaven is hell to the unhappiest man
When you get what you want, it’s not what you planned
So jump in the ocean and swim for the land
The market is cornered on “not going as planned” Nothing wrong

I switch to first gear, escape off the sidewalk
From going too slowly through the city at night
Cutting through crossroads and closing my eyes
If I see the light, keep me in mind Is this suppose to be a runoff sentence since you only have 2 commas here and no periods?..

I get the streetlights to change when I sing
Escaping through red ones, burning with sweat
This is to chickens, what eggs are to first
And I can imagine, for the second your rush Good use of Metaphors

Heaven is hell to the unhappiest man
When you get what you want, it’s not what you planned
So jump in the ocean and swim for the land
The market it cornered on “not going as planned” Love your Chorus

This was a very good piece overall, you just need to work on your punctuation. Great Job!
#9
Hahaha, thanks Axe, I use my punctuations as a way to show how it's sung
nothing to do with the English.

My english teacher winces whenever i hand her poetry (grammar obviously) but she likes it and the class doesn't understand it so i win both ways

Thanks for everyone's crits
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#10
Really well written. Great use of metaphors and imagery. I love the line "heaven is hell to the unhappiest man". I'm green with envy that I didn't write that.
My suggestion to you is to start drinking heavily.--John Belushi

Money doesn't talk; it swears.--Bob Dylan
#11
long time no whatever....

I had a problem with the following lines.

"From going too slowly through the city at night"
I don't really under stand this too much, by itself it looks good but when it is paired with hte previous line i find it hard to find flow...

"Escaping through red ones, burning with sweat"
red ones... seems to vague, you have some detail earlier but red ones is jsut too vague, I know what ouy are talking about but saying ones jsut kils it i think.

"This is to chickens, what eggs are to first
And I can imagine, for the second your rush"

I hate this. using chickens and eggs in a song just seems.... like.... i dunno... dumb to me, for lack of a better word. I just don't like it. sorry.

I really like the rest of it though. you've shown a huge improvement between this and the lastone of yours i read... probably like 6 months ago if not more... so yeah.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#12
Thanks heaps guys, and i agree furtherfan, i'm trying to change that line (the egg and chicken) bit

Thanks for your crits
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#13
I am too drunk to appreciate these. (It happens.) But it's black dotted now, so I'll get back to it when I can think straight.

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