#1
This one's about when you love the one you're with but feel smothered by them and have to get out and live for yourself.

Hope you like it, please crit!

Verse 1:

You promised we could go driving in rocket cars
You said you’d take me dancing on the surface of Mars
We’d run through the pages of magazines
And the rest of the world was just a Vaseline dream

Chorus:

Minutes go by and I’m still with you
You made skin flush red and my heart go blue
But your love is chains and I need to break free
Go out in the world and see what I can see

Verse 2:

I was your token lover, your dolly-bird
I cry to think of music I have never heard
I drank my melancholy, my faithful drug
I rode on your shoulder, slipped off at your shrug

Chorus

Bridge:

Kidnapped me from the human race
Painted me gold so you could save face
Loving you is not a chore
But there’s a world out there I can’t ignore

Chorus x2
#2
stockholm syndrome...why does that sound so familiar...
Quote by ..NEM..
*hugs back and grabs White Ponys ass*
#4
^^ because it is a world famous phrase
oh and Muse and Blink have songs called Stockholm syndrome but who cares

EDIT: I like the bridge but the chorus im not to keen on
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#5
Quote by White Pony
stockholm syndrome...why does that sound so familiar...



exactly, whats the matter, can't think of your own song title so you steal a songs title, pfft
#6
Quote by andyscoot
exactly, whats the matter, can't think of your own song title so you steal a songs title, pfft


Um well muse stole the name from blink 182

It doesnt matter if the song has the same name the song is about the stockholm syndrome so why cant it be called that noobs
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FIGHT THE BAN

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#8
dont its a fitting title
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#10
Just dont listen to some people as a lot act like noobs even if they have been here a while dont bother listening to them and you will get on fine here!

EDIT: how is the bridge sung? Is it like welcome to the black parade towards the end, the harmony bit as if it is its great
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SAVE OUR LAMBS
Last edited by Lost_Rose at Feb 8, 2007,
#11
Thank you so much for reviving that piece, it did not recieve much noteriety and I appreciate your'e appreciation

Well, here we go.


You promised we could go driving in rocket cars-12
You said you’d take me dancing on the surface of Mars-13
We’d run through the pages of magazines-10
And the rest of the world was just a Vaseline dream

Hmm... this is nice. I think you should probably focus more on matching your syllable counts to where you are rhyming. I could suppose the first two were close enough, but the last sounds too awkward of a rhyme. If I don't note this throughout, and it is applicable, apply the changes to the entirety.

Minutes go by and I’m still with you
You made skin flush red and my heart go blue
But your love is chains and I need to break free
Go out in the world and see what I can see

I'm not very fond of this stanza, at all really. It is far too typical in comparrison to the first. Esp. "your love is chains".


I was your token lover, your dolly-bird
I cry to think of music I have never heard
I drank my melancholy, my faithful drug
I rode on your shoulder, slipped off at your shrug

I like :]


Kidnapped me from the human race
Painted me gold so you could save face
Loving you is not a chore
But there’s a world out there I can’t ignore

Line 3 needs to be more interesting.

Overall, this was an interesting piece of writing. I enjoyed it, I would personally consider exploring another rhyme scheme than AABB, and as I noted in the first stanza, meter.

Good work

-Jacob
#12
Thanks these are all really useful, I don't like the chorus much either, they aren't my strong point. Will take your notes into account!