#1
C4C
Mediocre piece. I don't like it that much, but I don't really know why.
Poetry not lyrics, for anyone wondering.


Failure To Float

Can't boats still sink
mistaking the breeze for the sea?
Charcoal eyes
can still stare
when the mirror is a lighthouse,
and her hands are still cold.
But will the bay turn to ink
with the drop of a pen?
When sailors are not much more
than limestone scarecrows,
Sentinels in electric breeze
wrapped arm in arm.
Could words grow sails,
or just drown in abstinance?
Constructed wings
fold in the downpour.
Illedgible admissions
fail to float.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 8, 2007,
#3
not a lot of flow there, the way I was reading it in my head, but otherwise, I like it. Not saying that no flow is a bad thing, I think it suits this piece, with the entire message of uncertainty I'm getting from it. It's good.

If you could crit Insurrection for me... although I do recommend reading the others first, because it is a full blown concept thing going on... but don't bother critting the first ones, Insurrection will be fine.

EDIT: They're in my sig
#4
you put periods in awkward places and
half your sentences are sentence fragments.

also, a lot of the ideas seem to come out
of nowhere, with no introduction and
seemingly no relevance to the previous
sentences or any sentences before it.
i mean. i got the "sailing/ocean" theme,
but to me, this just seemed like a bunch
of basically unrelated sentence fragments
put together in a stanza and called poetry.

i mean. like. obviously, it's poetry.
i'm not debating that. but it's just.
it seems like you took a bunch of
random lines, most involving sailing
or the ocean, and put them all together.

I just want to sleep forever.