#1
Another week, another song. This is a short thing I comprised on the plane home from a recent departure I took... I don't have a chorus, or bridge, just some verses. So perhaps I won't need a chorus, or whatever... It's rather unfinished. Crit for crit, as usual. (Working Title)

Verse 1:
Long ago...
An emblematic fault-line
Did bestow...
Unfeignable malign

Kiss goodbye...
Our memories thereafter
Don't deny...
Our liaison is over

Verse 2:
It's surreal...
Lacking explanation
How you feel...
Post-Eradication

Could we be...
Intended for each other
Disagree...
Impede the tribulation

Thanks for reading!
Last edited by Zuka at Feb 8, 2007,
#2
seems like a good start. its got a nice sound too it i think. it seems like it could definitly be expanded on but if you wanted to leave it short thtad be fine, it just would probably say more as lyrics if yo were able to add to it.
if you can crit my poem (in my sig (not lyrics, the poem)) thatd be really cool. thanks
#3
Quote by Zuka

Long ago...
An emblematic fault-line
Did bestow...
Unfeignable malign You've invented a word there. Personally, I'm no fan of extremely short lines in songs. I concede it will sound much better when sung but as a critiquer of words it doesn't look...all that good, but again, it's personal preferences. The use of words (minus the one you've coined) is ok, a bit shaky though (squashing many into a small space.)

Kiss goodbye...
Our memories thereafter
Don't deny...
Our liaison is over

No qualms with this, not taking into account what's been said already.

It's surreal...
Lacking explanation
How you feel...
Post-Eradication

Rhyming isn't bad, flow suffers slightly with your technique.

Could we be...
Intended for each other
Disagree...
Impede the tribulation

I see the rhyming has changed. Some good assonance.


It wasn't a bad effort. Not to my tastes, but I can see the appeal. If you could, mine is the larger of the two links in the sig (I think it has Green in the title.) Colourless Green Ideas Sleep Furiously, in my sig. Thanking you muchly.
#5
Quote by Zuka
I'll check yours, Dæ.

Unfeignable is a word, honey.


Pfff, not according to the Holy Document.

No results found for unfeignable.

>_>
#6
Quote by Dæmönika
Pfff, not according to the Holy Document.

No results found for unfeignable.

>_>

Git' adda' here, boy, wit' yer' grammar prablemss. I dun' mak no mss'takes.
#7
The rhyming somehow seems cliched and creative at the same time. I don't know if it's the juxtaposition of the 'impediment of tribulations' and the basic call-and-response style structure. Just kind of weird. Overall, it does work nicely.

At first I didn't really get the meaning. I thought it was one of those numbers that sound nice but go nowhere. I read it four or five times before I got it (or so I think!). So there goes that criticism.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, and hope to see choruses in the future (?).

Anyway, if you'd care to crit mine...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=521652
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#8
the "Long ago..." made me lol, it seems too Star Wars... first impression was the same as Daemonika's that it seems like you squashed too many big words into a small space, but once you read it a few times it flows better. I liked it but I think you should expand it (total lenght, not line length). but dont use a chorus - thats for traditionalists, not badass walt whitmans. you remind me of kurt cobain's lyrics only with bigger words, thats a complement
#9
Interesting comments... Thanks guys.

I'm actually a bit surprised, but, then again, the opposite... Guess I'll have to work on some stuff...