#1
Of life and death the truth is fog
Dispelled by the rising sun
And war and peace, respectively
Are lost and found and won
And all the greatest works of art
That human hands have wrought
Are naught but dust within the thought
Of all that might be done.

The amber fields of empires
Beneath the noonday sun
The fallen oaks of Simony
Where leaflets new have sprung
The beauty and the folly that
Our human race will be
To be is given all, and all
Is lost in solemn sleep.

The edge of time and space and me,
Silhouetted by the sun
Distinct in vision, clear as day
And meaningful to none.
The fate of all the worlds combined
Is worth less than your smile
And I will hold your hand in mine
And wait now for the sun
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#2
Wow, this website tends to be full of a bunch of people with patetic anthems and no complexity, but you write the kind of stuff that leads me to think you study poetry. Keep it up man i love it, and i would love to hear you do it justice with a band around it.
#3
Wow. This was very well done. You've got me on my toes because of my addiction to the sun (I've written a song, Save Us From The Sun... long story...)

I honestly don't know what else to say... it's just very, very well written. Seriously... this is top of the line stuff...

Another thing you've personally hooked me on is the stellar astrological themes...

It's very good.
Thanks for commenting on mine.
#5
I wish I could crit this one, but I think anything that I'd try to change would make it worse, cuz it all works together about perfectly.
#6
Sounds a little like Bob Dylan's song's, like Gates of Eden and It's Allright Ma(I'm Only Bleeding). But that's really the only critique I can give. It flows great, your vocabulary is immaculate, and I love the imagery. Very poetic. Great job!

EDIT: I just checked out the songs from the band in your profile. Great songs. Just work on the vocal quality and I think you've got some amazing stuff there. Loved it
Last edited by Serrana at Feb 9, 2007,
#7
Quote by JoHNNERz


Of life and death the truth is fog
Dispelled by the rising sun
And war and peace, respectively
Are lost and found and won
And all the greatest works of art
That human hands have wrought
Are naught but dust within the thought
Of all that might be done.

I liked this verse, the first line really stood out to me, it had a lot of, feeling I guess you could call it.

The amber fields of empires
Beneath the noonday sun
The fallen oaks of Simony
Where leaflets new have sprung
The beauty and the folly that
Our human race will be
To be is given all, and all
Is lost in solemn sleep.

This verse is a good verse for a song, but stuff about nature really doesn't go for me. Just my opinion though, you don't need to change it

The edge of time and space and me,
Silhouetted by the sun
Distinct in vision, clear as day
And meaningful to none.
The fate of all the worlds combined
Is worth less than your smile
And I will hold your hand in mine
And wait now for the sun

The ending, really really really worked out great. I like how you brought in someone that you loved into the song, but yet not making the entire song a love song. I think that you have some real talent, and I'm looking forward to reading your next song.


Rock on dude
#8
sounds good. A good picture you paint.

is it a poem or song? right now i see it more as a poem

by the way....

where in PITTSBURGH do you live?
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9
Very well written, nice to see something on here that isn't just angst and agression.

The last stanza seems absolutely flawless to me, I can't possibly think of any improvement that could be done there. I like the lyrical content of the last four lines of the second stanza (human race...) but it doesn't seem to flow perfectly, although that may just be my inability to see it in the same way that you meant it.

Very deep, vivid imagery, excellent vocabulary. The title is almost identical to Waiting for the Sun, which I assume you've noticed already given your signature and avatar, was this meant as allusion?

Crit mine if you like, although it certainly does not measure up to the standard of what you've written.
#10
Thanks for the crits, guys. If I haven't gotten you back yet, it's because I've been out of town.

To Seranna - thanks for the Dylan comparison, it's the highest praise I can hope for. The first line is very similar to the opening of Gates of Eden, which I only noticed just now. I was in a very Dylan state of mind when I started this.

Jiminizzle - I'm in Mt. Lebanon, in the South Hills. And this is intended as a song, complete with delicate fingerpicking, a drum solo, and a crushing, wah-soaked crescendo. Or so I hope.
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#12
First of all, thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. I thought this was a fantastic piece. I really enjoyed reading it. The wording was excellent as was the flow. And the way the piece ended was just great. This is probably one of my favorite pieces I have read on this board. Anyways, great job and keep it up.