#1
My first ever song I wrote. Wrote it last night in 15 minutes so I think it sucks

Only asked for 10
Thatll be that then
Walking out
Empty handed
Looking in anticipation
Your head drops
Sorry to disappoint
Looks like its gonna be
Smoke free

That’s how life goes
You win some
You lose some
And this time we lost

“Its a bit early for that isn’t it”
Got a party at eight
She knows we know
It’s a new low
And a new high

That’s how life goes
You win some
You lose some
But this time we won

(Verse 3)

But look at the big picture
Who gives a ****
Don’t give up
Because we are all winners in the end

Obviously not finished yet but anyways there it is.

Thanks
#2
I dont wanna sound mean... but I hated it, sorry. The song has terrible flow and rhyming problems, and it doesnt really seem to be about anything. Didnt mean to s**t on your cornflakes there.
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#3
Only asked for 10
Thatll be that thendoesnt make sense, is it, that'll?
Walking out
Empty handed
Looking in anticipation
Your head drops
Sorry to disappoint
Looks like its gonna be
Smoke free
not a bad verse, just doesnt seem original

That’s how life goes
You win some
You lose some
And this time we lost
this part isnt too bad, its decent

“Its a bit early for that isn’t it”
Got a party at eight
She knows we know
It’s a new low
And a new high
i would add 'for us' at the end of the last line. but thats just me

That’s how life goes
You win some
You lose some
But this time we won
ok, its nice how u switched it from lost to won
(Verse 3)

But look at the big picture
Who gives a ****
Don’t give up
Because we are all winners in the end
i dont like the cuss word in there, it wouldnt bother me if it fit well into the lyrics, but here it doesnt, it jsut sounds thrust in there cuz u could


well, nothing really wrong with it,but not a bad job for ur first writing.

crit any of mine if u could
#4
Bal, it aint really finished and I know it sucks so its cool

Cheers for doing verse by verse, that helps me alot. Thatll means that will, couldnt really fit that will into the song so used thatll.

The meaning of the first verse is trying to buy cigarettes but I get refused and my mate is disappointed cause we dont get any. Thats why we lose. Then the second verse is we get selt drink so we win. Not thought of the 3rd verse and the ending is like dont go in the huff cause you lose cause we all win in the end

I put fu*k in there just before I posted it on here because I didnt like the line before, it was depressin and this songs meant to be happy.

Thanks and ill try do your songs, not that ill be any good at it
#5
Only asked for 10
Thatll be that then
Walking out
Empty handed
Looking in anticipation
Your head drops
Sorry to disappoint
Looks like its gonna be
Smoke free


L2 doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me still... even after reading your explanation... is it meant to be its own sentence? ... other than that nothing really wrong here.


That’s how life goes
You win some
You lose some
And this time we lost


this is cool... simple but it works.


“Its a bit early for that isn’t it”
Got a party at eight
She knows we know
It’s a new low
And a new high


this is alright.


That’s how life goes
You win some
You lose some
But this time we won


yeah i like how you changed it to "won" too.


(Verse 3)

But look at the big picture
Who gives a ****
Don’t give up
Because we are all winners in the end


yeah i'm not a fan of the profanity either... but i dont think it necessarily hurts the song... the rest is good... ties the song together kind of.

the biggest problem that i have with this piece is that the reader has no idea what the song is about... i knew because i read your explanation... but without it nobody would know... so since you say its not done anyways maybe try to incorporate something more telling into the song.... otherwise pretty good for a first... and thanks for critting mine.
#6
Well I tried to make it hard to decipher, considering that noone should know we get sold Between the 10 and thatll its a comma so its sorta 1 sentence. So its I only asked for 10 , ( they say no but I dont say that ) so that will be that then means ah well basically
Last edited by mayht at Feb 10, 2007,
#7
while the song suffers from flow and ryhmes, it's good for a first song. Most people's first song tend to be confessional (they just talk about how they feel in a really whinny sort of way). The narrative approach is a lot harder, but sounds way less 14 year old girl style. Just keep at it, it'll get better


crit mine if you could
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526080