#1
When I go
Will I set off all of the smoke alarms
or
Will I two-step out in pennyloafers wearing a Shady Creek hat?
Will He (Him being the angel of death, Jesus, or Thomas) appear
in a doorway of my Park Slope, Brooklyn loft
or
My two bedroom in Kettering, Ohio?

It's all been predetermined:
When I was young, my father showed me tricks
with Camel cigarettes.
"Can you see the man in the camel?"
After a few tries, I did:
The silhouette of a man with a penis embedded
in the cross-sticthing artwork of the
camel on the box.
I though this was the shit and I showed
everyone.
More tricks -
"If you were stranded in the desert, would you sleep under
the palm tree or by the pyramid?"
Um, the tree!
No, the pyramid!
He flipped the box over to reveal a palace.
"I'd stay at the Motel."
Once again my mind had been blown. Camel cigarettes
were magic, and when I got older I smoked two packs a day.
Anything that would kill me quicker.

I never owned and I-Pod,
therefore I have nothing to trade to God to get into
Paradise when I die.

Lord knows who it'll end with:
That young devotchka with a penchant for riding in my car
or
That old soul waxing smarts from her model-like frame.
It'll be the end of something, no doubt, and I'm screaming
for myself to sift through the walls and
Dance and
Shout and
Fuck and
Fight and
Love.
Poor advice.
#5
Three comments, and not a one of them were worth a goddamn shit.

I guess I can let it slide, because you have no idea who you're talking to.
Poor advice.
#7
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
wtf? is this your autobiography or some crap?


What?

Am I missing something?
Poor advice.
#8
When I go
Will I set off all of the smoke alarms
or
Will I two-step out in pennyloafers wearing a Shady Creek hat?
"Wearing a shady creek hat" is a dangling modifier. it could refer to the pennyloafters. Also I would ditch the 'of' in line two. Not a terribly strong opening, though.
Will He (Him being the angel of death, Jesus, or Thomas) appear
I guess you mean the biblical thomas, but that could be clearer. Also the verb appear gets lost at the end of the long parenthetical and weakens this whole thought.
in a doorway of my Park Slope, Brooklyn loft
or
My two bedroom in Kettering, Ohio?

It's all been predetermined:
Extra line break here perhaps?
When I was young, my father showed me tricks
with Camel cigarettes.
"Can you see the man in the camel?"
After a few tries, I did:
'I could'?
The silhouette of a man with a penis embedded
in the cross-sticthing artwork of the
camel on the box.
I though this was the shit and I showed
everyone.
Guess what, they don't censor the word SHIT anymore! Thought you'd like to know.
More tricks -
"If you were stranded in the desert, would you sleep under
the palm tree or by the pyramid?"
Um, the tree!
No, the pyramid!
He flipped the box over to reveal a palace.
"I'd stay at the Motel."
Once again my mind had been blown. Passive voice? Ehhh... Camel cigarettes
were magic, and when I got older I smoked two packs a day.
Anything that would kill me quicker. Maybe it'd be funnier and more ironic if you lost this last line.

I never owned and I-Pod,
therefore I have nothing to trade to God to get into
Paradise when I die.
I don't know why this is here.

Lord knows who it'll end with:
That young devotchka with a penchant for riding in my car
magnificent line
or
That old soul waxing smarts from her model-like frame.
I don't understand this one...
It'll be the end of something, no doubt, and I'm screaming
for myself to sift through the walls and
Dance and
Shout and
Fuck and
Fight and
Love.

Your diction and imagery were fab as all-ways, but this whole thing was really not cohesive...I still enjoyed it though. I didn't think the ipod part served any real purpose.

I was just kidding earlier man.
#9
I prefer to keep the I-Pod line in actually. It's something of deeper meaning than what is explained.
Poor advice.
#11
Quote by stellar_legs
I prefer to keep the I-Pod line in actually. It's something of deeper meaning than what is explained.

I liked that part as well. The only problem with it is that it just sits there, not really related to anything else.Three comments, and not a one of them were worth a goddamn shit.

I guess I can let it slide, because you have no idea who you're talking to.


Too true. At least you get comments though.
#12
wtf? is this ur autobiogrpahy or sumn shit lolz?!!?!!

At any rate...

I'm digging this piece. Evocative imagery, excellent word choice, etc. You've probably already heard the praise, and it all applies here. Quite honestly, it seems pretty pointless to me to crit this - you probably don't give a shit, I don't give a shit, but what the hell. I don't like line 5. I think it would flow better, look better, perhaps even mean a little more - if you drop the parentheses. Also, the ending is cliche, IMHO. I'd like it better if you ended with "sift through the walls".

All that said, you know this is good stuff, and I know this is good stuff. It'll be good if you follow my suggestions or not.

If you feel like critting mine -

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524314 or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=521652

Pick your poison.

And sorry if I was an asshole. Not in the mood for social graces.
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Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#13
wow i loved it

it was... quaint really

but i feel like i know what your getting at but i cant really put it into words

interesting...
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me