#1
This Road (A thousand times)

The cracks that appear from my feet,
are engulfing me.
The trail I leave behind,
Is what hurts the most.
Feet upon the pavement and footsteps in the sand,
remind me your gone.

Chorus
And in my mind Ive walked this road,
a thousand times.
I cant seem to figure it out,
why'd you leave?

Was it something I did,
or something I said?
Was i just not good enough for you?
Why'd do you do this to us?
Why'd you leave?

Bridge
Were there things I'd done,
or things I'd said?
I'll take them back just please,
come back to us.

Chorus x2
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#2
Quote by azza6
This Road (A thousand times)

The cracks that appear from my feet,
are engulfing me.
The trail I leave behind,
Is what hurts the most.
Feet upon the pavement and footsteps in the sand,
remind me your gone.
nice opening for the song

Chorus
And in my mind Ive walked this road,
a thousand times.
I cant seem to figure it out,
why'd you leave?
i like this
Was it something I did,
or something I said?
Was i just not good enough for you?
Why'd do you do this to us?
Why'd you leave?
is this the chorus or the verse? it doesnt really fit to the verse. i think it should be in the chorus

you need another verse and chorus again here. i think its too short

Bridge
Were there things I'd done,
or things I'd said?
I'll take them back just please,
come back to us.
the last line should be change to 'come back to me'. 'Us' sounds weird
Chorus x2



overall, the lyric was good, but try to use metaphors to make it more interesting. 6.5/10
#3
yeah those bits are seperate its another verse,
witht he music its fits in around 2.30-3mins so its pretty good length wise
and the us part is part of the story its just the way it goes

this piece is about everythin thats going on in my life right now that i just had to write about
but thanks for the awesome crit man
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#4
is it medal or a slower song..slower rock song in my opinion would soung pretty good...overall not bad..
ShakeRag hits the stage March 15, 2007 at Westview High School
#5
its a more acoustic rock sounding song, like acoustic guitar and vocals with a little distorted lead guitar and light drums
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#6
this is really good there r a few things like changing "us" to "me" in the last line and for all the "why'd"s in this i wouldn't abrieviate there just leave it at "why did" i just think it would flow better for a slower song like this
#7
Quote by m pyro97132
this is really good there r a few things like changing "us" to "me" in the last line and for all the "why'd"s in this i wouldn't abrieviate there just leave it at "why did" i just think it would flow better for a slower song like this


US is part of the story, whyds fit better in the flow, and i never said it was a slow song, i just said it was an acoustic rock song

but thnx
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#8
This Road (A thousand times)

The cracks that appear from my feet,
are engulfing me.
The trail I leave behind,
Is what hurts the most.
Feet upon the pavement and footsteps in the sand,
remind me that you're gone.


Fairly good intro, not too original here, but fairly solid. I just fixed some grammar.

Chorus
And in my mind Ive walked this road,
a thousand times.
I cant seem to figure it out,
why'd you leave?


"I've walked this road" is becoming more and more cliche. The chorus is a bit thin.


Was it something I did,
or something I said?
Was i just not good enough for you?
Why'd do you do this to us?
Why'd you leave?


I like the repitition with asking questions, but i feel like this is lacking something as well. Try to convey more emotion here.

Bridge
Were there things I'd done,
or things I'd said?
I'll take them back just please,
come back to us.


I don't really understand the last line here. Throughout your piece you always refer to "me" then you suddenly switch to "us" in the last bit of your poem. It's a bit of a strange switch.

Chorus x2

It's a fairly good start, but in general you are way too literal. Try mixing it up and adding similies/metaphors and imagery to describe what you are talking about - don't just explain. Make your reader decipher what you truly mean - don't just spoon feed them.

I don't mean to be too harsh or cruel - please don't take it that way - but i just think that negative feedback is about 1000x more helpful than just getting "everything rox, dude keep it up!!!11". Keep writing.
#9
jjam189,
Thanks a lot man,
That was a great crit. Ill go over this piece as soon as i get a chance.

And I can't really explain the US part without the word limit for a post being removed.. So long story short, it's just how the story goes.

Thanks though!
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#10
This Road (A thousand times)

The cracks that appear from my feet,
are engulfing me.
The trail I leave behind,
Is what hurts the most.
Feet upon the pavement and footsteps in the sand,
remind me your gone.

You say feet and reminscence of the word foot far too much. Other than that, I like the imagery and the mood that has been set as of yet.

Chorus
And in my mind Ive walked this road,
a thousand times.
I cant seem to figure it out,
why'd you leave?

This whole chorus is pretty week, esp. the last two lines.

Was it something I did,
or something I said?
Was i just not good enough for you?
Why'd do you do this to us?
Why'd you leave?

Uck. This is just seeming more and more rushed as it goes along. Poetry and lyricism is not for blunt bitching and moaning, that's what this stanza is.


Bridge
Were there things I'd done,
or things I'd said?
I'll take them back just please,
come back to us.

Nooo... :[


I had high hopes as I read the first stanza that this would not be another piece of mediocre black blotched paper :[ I was sad when I read along.

I think you could write something really solid if you sat down and seriously though about the chemistry of your words, and the power of conviction.

Keep on writing buddy,

-Jacob
#11
This Road (A thousand times)

The cracks that appear from my feet,
are engulfing me.
The trail I leave behind,
Is what hurts the most.
Feet upon the pavement and footsteps in the sand,
remind me your gone.

Chorus
And in my mind Ive walked this road,
a thousand times.


Ok guys im tryin to continue the writing of this, please help!!

any ideas would be great!!
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.