#1
This is the first thing I've written, just started learning the guitar.
And I haven't written the chorus yet. Or a bridge or anything, just verse.

Let me know what you think anyhoo:

It's been five years since I loved you dear,
But you didn't love me then,
I was certain I could have you girl,
But you said we should be friends.

So I've stayed your friend these last five years,
And doused the fire inside,
'Cos I knew 'twas best for both our sakes,
To set my love aside.

It's tough you know to love you girl,
But pretend you're not the one,
I've been your shoulder to cry on dear,
Then spent my nights alone.

I've been with girls these last five years,
Searching for that spark,
But I've never come near replacing,
What you've stolen from my heart.

And you've had guys these last five years,
Every one a cad,
You're wanting nice but you take nasty,
And end up feeling sad.

We met again this last December,
I hoped I was immune,
You flick your hair and smile and laugh,
And I'm dancing to your tune.

Friends told me to keep clear this time,
To cut loose finally,
But I so foolish turn round and say,
My friend it's meant to be.

You say you're single after five long years,
My hopes they are renewed,
So I say it out for all to hear,
Express my love for you.

...

That's as far as I've got, any crits / advice appreciated.
Last edited by adscott1982 at Feb 10, 2007,
#2
i liked it, made me wanna throw something out throw my guitar out the window and then go and pick it up and re tune it... wierd but yeah
#4
Sorry slash I hope you're guitar's OK!
Wasn't anticipating that sort of reaction. Thanks for the crit.

TVM Skin!
#5
nah in all seriousness i wouldnt because i love my guitar but it is a good song and it kinda does play ur emotions, my only neg on it would be that its so strait forward, doesnt leave much to decypher, kinda like a emo song or something.. try and use medaphors and play on words a bit more and it will put the icing on the cake
#6
Emo?

I see what you mean about it being straight. maybe I might tinker with it, use metaphors. But I suppose I wrote it to be straight and emotional, it's all true. I've basically been in love with this girl for about 5 years now, but she doesn't love me back. I met up with her again in December and she's single again, and when I was with her she was totally making out like she was attracted to me, prob just all flirting, but all of a sudden all these old feelings that I've tried to bury resurfaced and I started feeling like I love her again. But this whole five years I've been a really good friend to her and a shoulder for her to cry on but the fact is I'm basically in love with her and she doesn't love me back. And I'm pretty sure she never will, and it makes me feel pretty sad. So i just wrote it down straight.

And she's had several guys who've turned out to be bad SOB's and I've always been there for her to confide in, but hey, I'm just *NOT (edit lol) the guy she wants. So I've been trying to stop being in love with her but I can't and I thought I'd managed it but then when I met her in December it completely broadsided me.
Last edited by adscott1982 at Feb 10, 2007,
#7
It's been five years since I loved you dear,
But you didn't love me then,
I was certain I could have you girl,
But you said we should be friends.

Good opening, although the last line feels forced, it doesn't flow well, and just feels forced to fit the storyline.

So I've stayed your friend these last five years,
And doused the fire inside,
'Cos I knew 'twas best for both our sakes,
To set my love aside.

Good continuation, although I don't like the 'twas part, it doesn't fit in with the language style of the rest of the song.


It's tough you know to love you girl,
But pretend you're not the one,
I've been your shoulder to cry on dear,
Then spent my nights alone.

Good part, has some potential to become a chorus, you could change the words around a little, and this could be a good chorus.

I've been with girls these last five years,
Searching for that spark,
But I've never come near replacing,
What you've stolen from my heart.

It's okay, but a little forced, doesn't feel very inspired.

And you've had guys these last five years,
Every one a cad,
You're wanting nice but you take nasty,
And end up feeling sad.

It's okay, but a little forced, doesn't feel very inspired.

We met again this last December,
I hoped I was immune,
You flick your hair and smile and laugh,
And I'm dancing to your tune.

I liked the last two lines, a little cliche, but still very good.

Friends told me to keep clear this time,
To cut loose finally,
But I so foolish turn round and say,
My friend it's meant to be.

Although I understand what you mean, the last two lines aren't very clear, you should clear them up a little.

You say you're single after five long years,
My hopes they are renewed,
So I say it out for all to hear,
Express my love for you.

It's okay, but a little forced, doesn't feel very inspired.

The song in general is decent, for a first song it's very good, and I can honestly say that I can relate to you.
A few problems in the song are that it feels as though you're too eager to tell us your story that you miss that this should be a song, and as should have some mystic, and some tension to keep the reader\listener interested.
What I suggest is that you write more songs, on different subjects, other than love, that way you will expand your horizons, and improve your writing, this way when you approach a love song later you will sound much more interesting and less 'standard'.

BTW, you replied on two of my songs, so when you write another song you can just send me a private message and I'll be glad to crit your song.
#9
It's been five years since I loved you dear,
But you didn't love me then,
I was certain I could have you girl,
But you said we should be friends.
mabe put 'we should stay friends'

So I've stayed your friend these last five years,
And doused the fire inside,
'Cos I knew 'twas best for both our sakes,
To set my love aside.
i would change to ' to set aside me love' sound more natural to me

It's tough you know to love you girl,
But pretend you're not the one,
I've been your shoulder to cry on dear,
Then spent my nights alone.

I've been with girls these last five years,
Searching for that spark,
But I've never come near replacing,
What you've stolen from my heart.

And you've had guys these last five years,
Every one a cad,
You're wanting nice but you take nasty,
And end up feeling sad.
the last line seems a bit cheesy with the 'sad'

We met again this last December,
I hoped I was immune,
You flick your hair and smile and laugh,
And I'm dancing to your tune.

Friends told me to keep clear this time,
To cut loose finally,
But I so foolish turn round and say,
My friend it's meant to be.
this verse sounds a bit choppy, like the flow isnt as good as it could be
You say you're single after five long years,
My hopes they are renewed,
So I say it out for all to hear,
Express my love for you.

actually good job, i was expecting a normal, ' i wanna love you' kind of song, but u threw in some original spots to keep it interesting and unique. keep it up. and thx for ur crit on mine
#10
I like it. Very relatable. Hasnt been five years for me, but probably will turn out to be. I've been working on a few different songs on this same sort of topic, but none of them have taken the form I've really been aiming for. When one does, you guys shall be the first to see it.

All in all I have to agree. It seems somewhat forced. Like you sat down set to write THIS. These sort of things always sound better when your fingers just start writing, or if you go into it with a very open mind, a thesarus, and a mindset that your perspective in a couple of days could make it better.
#11
Quote by adscott1982
This is the first thing I've written, just started learning the guitar.
And I haven't written the chorus yet. Or a bridge or anything, just verse.

Let me know what you think anyhoo:

It's been five years since I loved you dear,
But you didn't love me then,
I was certain I could have you girl,
But you said we should be friends.

opener is good one . i liked the 3 lines but not 4 th one sgould hampers a flow a bit

But you said we are good as friends try that or anyother that doesnt hamper the flow

So I've stayed your friend these last five years,
And doused the fire inside,
'Cos I knew 'twas best for both our sakes,
To set my love aside.

llike someone above me said to set aside my love is more natural . but i see it will disturb your rhyming scheme,so may be you can tweak it over here


It's tough you know to love you girl,
But pretend you're not the one,
I've been your shoulder to cry on dear,
Then spent my nights alone.


i liked all of it except the last line ,it is bit rapid and does not add much of an impact.


I've been with girls these last five years,
Searching for that spark,
But I've never come near replacing,
What you've stolen from my heart.


this one's good especially the last 2 lines

And you've had guys these last five years,
Every one a cad,
You're wanting nice but you take nasty,
And end up feeling sad.

ABAB over here

We met again this last December,
I hoped I was immune,
You flick your hair and smile and laugh,
And I'm dancing to your tune.


Friends told me to keep clear this time,
To cut loose finally,
But I so foolish turn round and say,
My friend it's meant to be.

You say you're single after five long years,
My hopes they are renewed,
So I say it out for all to hear,
Express my love for you.

...

That's as far as I've got, any crits / advice appreciated.



Overall i liked it . it's pretty good for your first read the tips thread it will help you alot for the future songs.

And hey

Returning a crit is not an obligation its a sort of cyber responsiblity for every crit you get
Hi
#13
really liked it! i dont necessarily care that it's straight forward because i think you did it in a good way. you can tell that it's a personal for you and thats good. i dont really see anything that you should change because personally i like it the way it is. good job. could you crit "eyes"? it's in my sig
#14
yeah it is a good song for your first song also get that choras done but i still could not tell if it was rap or rock or ect. keep up the good work
bassguitar4ever
#16
it may not be ground breaking as far as songwriting goes, but if these are genuine feelings and words written without pretense, that is all that matters. Good work.
"There but for fortune go you or I"- Phil Ochs