#1
One of my favourite things I've written. Let me know if you like it or not. I'd love any feedback, really.

A poem.

Critique for critique.

enjoy


I watched him paint the sun black
and cover each ray with a dagger,
and wondered to myself
if I'd ever see light again.
The eclispe that followed this
threw shadows over everyone I knew
that loved to smile;
that used to love to smile,
but now hang their head
in dreary shame
of living in such darkness.

I watched him cut washing lines,
letting the crisp white shirts hit the ground
and rub into the mud, and stain.
I'd always think that if only I could find a way
to glue those shirts to the sky,
they would not get dirty
but be warm, clean, and dry.

I watched him score down strips
of paper; filled, drawn on with blood
and saw regret in his eyes.
He mouthed words to me
that I took a while to comprehend

So I fixed them to a blank canvas,
then painted over them
in rich oranges and yellows.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 10, 2007,
#2
what is this supposed to mean
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#3
I think the writing is eloquent but like rage I don't get it.

Is it a poem? As a poem I like it.
#4
hmmm.... this is very interesting and intruiging on many, many levels. I had to read this through a few times, which is what has really drawn me to this piece..... Is this some reflection? The first stanza, to me, leans towards an authority like figure, overpowering the life of whoever is the focus of the piece. The second stanza is telling me that this focus has done something, and the writer is regretting this (I'd always think that if only I could find a way, to glue those shirts to the sky)... the third stanza, to me, spells desolation, something going wrong, and the fourth stanza, the writer fixing it, making it somehow better...

I enjoyed this very, very much. Keep writing, this is good stuff, a real thinker's poem.

If you could crit Insurrection, that would be great... but if you have the time, read all my songs in order, because they form a story... no need to crit all of them, btw just Insurrection, if you could (they're in my sig).

And again, well done on this piece,

Deliriumbassist
#6
I felt liek you had to do too much explaining, or give too much explanation.

was it really necessary to say that they woudl get stained after they were in the mud, isn't that implied? is it necessary to sa ythey fall into the mud at all, isn't that implied that they'll fal lfrom the clean wire to the dirty ground?

is the begining taking something necessary, and making it an evil. i see you talk about hte sun, which is necessary for survival, but by giving it dagger you make it dangerous, and thus maybe evil, or maybe you are trying to say that things are necessary can also be very dangerous.

or he takes something simple, liek the sun ( i know the sun isn't 'simple' but it's something ouy see every day so it'ssimple in that respect.) and ruin it for you, make it something evei, something terrible, something that causes great harm in the workld, and this ruins your perception of the simple thing, and it ruins everybody's perception of hte simple thing, and you wonder if you will ever see it as a simple thing again.

I dunno jsut my thoughts.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
i like the description here, the rhymes you choose are very effective and somewhat scattered throughout, and make this flow very well.

like further, i agree that there is too much restatement-- this piece could be much more concise

some of your line breaks are awkwardly placed and make this visually a bit disjointed

your flow is good, but the language could be enhanced significantly by employing some sort of meter to this piece. it wouldn't require much, but it would be a significant step forward for you as a writer

i like.

--jay
#8
That's awesome. It has a great atmosphere and nice metaphors.
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#9
it's okay.. some of it doesn't make any sense I think, but the first verse is great!
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


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:stickpoke
#10
Once again another great piece by you. You just keep churning these out, don't you? Anyways, this was probably one of the most originally pieces i have ever read. I think you should definitely turn it into a song. Despite having no rhyme (except stanza2) the piece flowed pretty well. The only problem I have with this piece, is that i'm not sure what it's about. But other than that small gripe, I loved this piece.. Once again another solid effort from you, Jamie.

Crit mine please
The Ankh's Majesty
#11
Quote by Jammydude44
One of my favourite things I've written. Let me know if you like it or not. I'd love any feedback, really.

A poem.

Critique for critique.

enjoy


I watched him paint the sun black
cool image I think but... theres something about just stating the color, directly telling the audience and not really showing that strikes me off it. It does make me want to know who the him is though. overall, okay opener.
and cover each ray with a dagger,
nice line. seriously. simple and powerful. good.
and wondered to myself
if I'd ever see light again.
eh two lines, you use light in a very non orginal way, unless you bring in some wit later to counterbalance this blatant imagery... eh, it just does nothing for me and actually works against it...
The eclispe that followed this
this being the painting? Make that more clear, the sense of time is skewed here, and not in a good way
threw shadows over everyone I knew
eh sentiment. remember, show, dont tell. here you are blatantly telling...
that loved to smile;
that used to love to smile,
play up the contrast here more somehow, maybe play into the light more here. Writing is all about contrast. This doesnt contrast enough to be impactful, the subtle difference between loved to and used to love... its interesting but... eh. Not interesting enough to make me reread it.
but now hang their head
in dreary shame
Dreary shame? Really? thats just not an original statement at all, its also redundant. What else could shame be? happy shame? well, that would be intriguing but... only use an adjective when its not already implied with the noun or verb unless you are doing it for effect.
of living in such darkness.
darkness, the word, always puts me off a piece. I may be alone but... yea, always...

I watched him cut washing lines,
letting the crisp white shirts hit the ground
and rub into the mud, and stain.
take out the and stain and you have a killer 3 lines here
I'd always think that if only I could find a way
uneventful line. add a nuance or just dont have the line break
to glue those shirts to the sky,
they would not get dirty
but be warm, clean, and dry.
the last line is terrible, sounds like Dr Seuss, adding words to make a children's rhyme. the other two are interesting but it would be better if you could find a syn for dirty.

I watched him score down strips
of paper; filled, drawn on with blood
find a better word then blood. stay away from unecesary cliches please. I only use cliches when I mean them, which recently I've been doing a lot. but blood here was not needed at all I dont think unless theres a connection here that I'm missing in your own personal life...
and saw regret in his eyes.
He mouthed words to me
that I took a while to comprehend
not that good at all... open ended and just... blah... unoriginal wording...

So I fixed them to a blank canvas,
then painted over them
in rich oranges and yellows.
satisfying, but not amazing, end.


in conclusion, not that great, but you are improving. hook me up sometime to talk or somethin.
#12
thanks synth et all.

Not really about a painting, more about the British Media, newspapers especially