#1
Follow up to that one.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=519081

O Live, in Peril

The last of the sun poured from corkless bottles
We soaked our hair against the shimmering cockles
The shadow of Your Wing spreads over my kingdom
Feathers raining from heaven are lacking an anthem
A sign that angels bleed through the hands of a surgeon
The saddle weighs heavy on a radiant white stallion
March turns to gallop without a change in his breathing
The sword's not a weapon but a symbol for grieving
And it is raised- and pointed straight at my heart
An adage scribbled down just before I depart

My daughter harms no one when she forgets a prayer
Yet cries out in pain with the snip of her hair
We're infected with qualms of our perplexing spores
Calculating nostalgia with our ears to the floor
Insipid cracks arouse vibrant dream-like scenes
But independent thoughts are outsourcing our means
Venomous quotes of Shakespearean theme
Could not shake me from my spot on this beam
Panic-stricken, the manic, on afflictive routine
Both eyes on the figure towards which he careens

My son has not spoke since the night of his death
Listen for the pause between the lengths of his breath
A cloth on his face hides the coughing of blood
War crimes don't add up to what I have done-
White hot lines carved into the shell of my mind
Fireflies whistling down the path of my spine
Spelling out questions in once ill-defined rhyme
Shining lucid against the obscureness of time
Light fills up the split-scattered orange sky
At last, the reply they attempted to hide:

"I never claimed to be the first one to die"
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#2
Really good use of metaphors and paradox. But each line seems to have a different meaning or situation. It's one thing to write something with good analogies, but it's another thing to write the analogies with sufficient meaning.


Kind of seems like you just wrote for the sake of writting, and you lacked direction.
#3
the words were beautiful, but in an overall sense,
i preferred the first one like. 309432 times more.
the first one just seemed to have more substance.
like. i'm not doubting that this has substance. just.
the other one seemed more. "full". if that makes sense.

anyways. it was still a good piece. i enjoyed it.
i particularly enjoyed a lot of the images you used.
you have a way with words, and that certainly showed.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
Hah, guitarjunkie, that's kind of the point, the poem's about doing things for the wrong reasons. The last line refers to Christ and the sympathy he has for us. It's supposed to bring the rest together.

Grover, yeah, I agree it's not as solid as the 1st, I had done some editing on that one, whereas this one I just posted.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#5
The end of the first verse is a little awkward. I like the words and all but it seems like it shouldn't be there. Other than that it's a solid song.
#7
I really like what your style has become, with all the biblical allusions and sentiments. At least that's what I think they are.

Anyways, really good. I'll comment more in a second and edit it in here.

I hope this means you'll stick around here for a while, or at least remind me what my DeviantArt name was