#1
this is the last time i'll see your streets
as i float away on a summer's breeze
and the heat and the sweat and the sounds of this town
like a sinking ship ill never come around...

rising with the sun in your eyes
ill take this feather of truth and fly
and i think that this time it's for real and for true
and i think that this all is for memories of you.....

Avalon


and the radiant girl with her eyes like an empress
lies dead in her tomb as we lay out her ball dress
a symphony of sadness to ease the last life from the dead

and she sweetly sings in an octave we can't hear
to tell us the clouds in her hearts start to clear
and over her hills the last dove is flying
innocence born from the dead and the dying

the frost says its time to be leaving

Avalon


say goodbye to the barstool at the top of the world
i knew i'd never really make it
i knew i'd never ever make it back alive

to Avalon
#3
this is the last time i'll see your streets
as i float away on a summer's breeze
and the heat and the sweat and the sounds of this town
like a sinking ship ill never come around...
Wonderful opener. Lovely flow, lovely rhyme, lovely image. Not hugely original but well done here.

rising with the sun in your eyes
ill take this feather of truth and fly
and i think that this time it's for real and for true
and i think that this all is for memories of you.....
Last line is worded poorly I feel. "this all is" doesn't seem right for me. I liked the second linehre, very nice.

Avalon
Mmhm.


and the radiant girl with her eyes like an empress
lies dead in her tomb as we lay out her ball dress
a symphony of sadness to ease the last life from the dead
Interesting here. Didn't see the second line coming. "symphony of sadness" is meh for me.

and she sweetly sings in an octave we can't hear
Love this line.
to tell us the clouds in her hearts start to clear
and over her hills the last dove is flying
innocence born from the dead and the dying
Last two lines I don't think too much of, think you can do better than that Jay.

the frost says its time to be leaving
I'd love this ot be a couplet here.

Avalon


say goodbye to the barstool at the top of the world
i knew i'd never really make it
i knew i'd never ever make it back alive
Great stuff.

to Avalon

Top, top stuff Jay. Beautiful song for the most part, love it bar the few thhings I picked out.

If you could get back, it's in my sig, as usual. Merci beacoup
#4
clouds in her hearts.... did you mena to imply she has more than one heart

"ill take this feather of truth and fly"

disliked that line. can't pin point it I just didn't like it.

"and the radiant girl with her eyes like an empress
lies dead in her tomb as we lay out her ball dress
a symphony of sadness to ease the last life from the dead"

I really like this, the way it flows and the image I got from reading it.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?