#1
Amie Of Virginia

There were highways and byways and a number of interstates. It was fate, I proclaimed, like a match made in heaven. Pisces and Cancer, eight days together. We've known eachother for eight whole years, but we've really only been talking for one and a half. That said, we've always talked of moving in together and going to school together; we have such similar talents and interests.

After a year or so of planning, I finally came to visit. I finally got a new car, a Honda Civic. By coincidence, you drive a Civic too, but yours is two years older than mine. You've been to NC a number of times and my best friend of ten years, well, you're his cousin. The three of us used to hang out at his house smoking clove cigarettes and watching movies. I hope he doesn't mind that I spent a week in your apartment falling further in love.

I drove from Carolina all the way to DC, not quite DC, but Leesburg rather. Virginia is overpopulated but you're the only person I saw. You work at the coffee shop inside the mall. You made me free drinks and I read my book, looking up occasionally to see you looking back at me. You got off work at 10, we drove home on route 7.

You got me hooked on that chocolate soy milk, on your air mattress, and on your red-head skin (which feels so much softer than such things as silk.)
I got you hooked on my poetry, we got hooked on eachother like two fish in the sea. It's like my sign of the Pisces: two fish in the sea, but your skin is softer than mine, so scaley. The only reason you're a Cancer is cause you infect me like disease with your ruby hair and your perfect teeth; that perfectly rounded personality.

The whole drive home I couldn't stop smiling. 300 miles of memories. 5 or 6 hours of constant feelings. I miss you already, it's only been three days, but we've kept in touch and I'm still smiling.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
wow, this is crazy that i actually know a lot of the places you talked about in here, so close to me. nuts. this was nice, it felt like an awkward narrative though.

"my best friend of ten years,
well, you're his cousin.
I hope he doesn't mind:"

I like how you kind of shake it off... I hope he doesn't mind.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
thanks, im glad you could relate to it though i dont know who you are. this piece means a lot to me.
#4
i know this is a lot different than the stuff ive been writing lately, and somewhat lengthy, but really.. is it that bad?
#5
i really didn't like this at all blake. it's written so awkwardly, i mean, like, you didn't know how to use english properly. maybe you were trying to be colloquial and took it to an extreme but i don't know... it's just... i don't even know how to say it. i think if you rewrote it using better flow, grammar and sentence structure it'd be great, probably a little cliche but still good for what it is.

but this just... isn't. sorry.

holla

edit: okay let me specify a little bit. it's not that you don't know how to write english, it's that your lines don't flow into each other well and it hurts this poem very badly.
#6
i understand where youre coming from, the flow was dreadful. thats because it wasn't structrured in a way that was fitting for the way it was written.

as for being a bit cliche, well, its a damn love poem. its not cliche to me at all because every word of this piece came from direct experiences I had.

as for the edit of the piece, I've made an entire change to the structure, it now reads like prose which is how it was meant to be.

I also edited minor parts here and there to add to some places.

Hopefully the quality of this piece has increased a lot.
#7
hmm a much better fit for this. I woud lliek it better if it said go to school together. if you took out hte somewhere it woudl help i think. And the new detail you went into abuot the cars and such, i wasn't a big fan of.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?