#1
so yeah this is basically about a chick who has to resort to getting drunk and picking up guys in a bar (no offence to anyone who does that haha)... crit it up.


Sometimes One Line Is All That You Need


Call this the death of a season.
Ride in on the coat-tails of your fallen grace.
You'll find yourself in a second.
Pacified, your weighty eyelids will seal your fate.

Call this the bottom of barrels.
Sip after sip, you're downing tonic and denial.
Think I lost you in the shuffle.
Trying to navigate the haze that inhabits your eyes.

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.

Breathe easy.
Drink heavy.
You'll know his name by morning.
Lose every inhibition.
Start off with showboat kissing.

Find yourself in the dark.
Praying for subtle sparks.
But chemistry's your weakness.
So you'll settle for anything less.

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
Quote by bassbeat77
so yeah this is basically about a chick who has to resort to getting drunk and picking up guys in a bar (no offence to anyone who does that haha)... crit it up.


Sometimes One Line Is All That You Need


Call this the death of a season.
Ride in on the coat-tails of your fallen grace.
You'll find yourself in a second.
Pacified, your weighty eyelids will seal your fate.


i liked the opening 2lines most in 1 st stanza rest was good ok flow was good

Call this the bottom of barrels.
Sip after sip, you're downing tonic and denial.
maybe instead of and "With " will do much better but thats me
Think I lost you in the shuffle.
Trying to navigate the haze that inhabits your eyes.

last line maybe when i tried to navigate......rest same

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.

i wont change it its good

Breathe easy.
Drink heavy.
this ones really nice

You'll know his name by morning.
Lose every inhibition.
Start off with showboat kissing.

Find yourself in the dark.
Praying for subtle sparks.
But chemistry's your weakness.
So you'll settle for anything.

last line i didnt like it much as rest of the stanza


Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.



overall i liked it it was good
some of the changes i suggested maybe just think of them .but its ur song and ur wish
Hi
#3
Sometimes One Line Is All That You Need


Call this the death of a season.
Ride in on the coat-tails of your fallen grace.
You'll find yourself in a second.
Pacified, your weighty eyelids will seal your fate. Seems like it should say weighted instead of weighty

Call this the bottom of barrels. "of the barrel" perhaps instead?
Sip after sip, you're downing tonic and denial. "in denial" instead?
Think I lost you in the shuffle.
Trying to navigate the haze that inhabits your eyes.

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade. I LOVE this chorus

Breathe easy.
Drink heavy.
You'll know his name by morning.
Lose every inhibition.
Start off with showboat kissing. Once again loved this

Find yourself in the dark.
Praying for subtle sparks.
But chemistry's your weakness.
So you'll settle for anything. "anything" doesnt seem right, rest of verse is good

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.

Wish I could write as well as you. Well Im rubbish at this sorta stuff so yeah, there you go. If you could crit mine back please that would be delicious

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=521880

Theres the link incase you couldnt find it, it was on the 3rd page
Last edited by mayht at Feb 10, 2007,
#4
thanks for the crits guys... i did make one small change on a line that both of you had mentioned... hopefully its better now... and i'm pretty sure i got to your song mayht.

thanks again.
#5
One thing I'm noticing about your songs is a lack of an identifiable chorus, if there is one at all. I'm not sure how you can work one in, but i suggest fitting a chorus into each of your songs, other than that the lyrics are fine
#6
hey, my first time crit-ing something of yours, hope it helps!!

Call this the death of a season.
Ride in on the coat-tails of your fallen grace.
You'll find yourself in a second.
Pacified, your weighty eyelids will seal your fate.
((what's up with all the periods? i'd like to see it some more commas, some more continuity of ideas. I'm glad you didn't try to rhyme lines 1 and 3, it's refreshing. in line 4, i'd take out "your", it's already implied))

Call this the bottom of barrels.
Sip after sip, you're downing tonic and denial.
Think I lost you in the shuffle.
Trying to navigate the haze that inhabits your eyes.
((Nice callback to line 1 of the first stanza, i dig it. "inhabits" is a weird word choice..))

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.
((take out "can" in the last line. it sounds soooo much better without it. otherwise, good chorus!))

Breathe easy.
Drink heavy.
You'll know his name by morning.
Lose every inhibition.
Start off with showboat kissing.
((haha, good stanza, but the same thing as before: each line is a separate idea, i want more commas))

Find yourself in the dark.
Praying for subtle sparks.
But chemistry's your weakness.
So you'll settle for anything less.
((good stanza, needs a comma between each line))

Everybody knows,
that this is how the best friends are made.
You better watch your back,
because even mannequins can masquerade.


good song, i'd like to see some minor changes made, but i dig it. i don't understand everything that's going on in this one, but i like the impression it gives me.

-edgar