#1
i write lyrics to change the way i thought when i wrote them. lol that was random anyways take a look

(Chrous)

(Tell me) have you ever seen a harvest cresent moon?
It's all that's left of me because of you
One day I will be full
and eclipse over you!



Tumbling, falling, down the cliff of life
(oh) when will I stop
It hurt so much
I used to wish I could just hit the bottom
but that's not the point of life


I bite my tounge at night
maybe during my dreams
or maybe because of life
since nothing seems right
why leave my sights

(Chorus)

the empty note it plays itself
it haunts through us all
sometimes if it stays too long
it causes us to fall
the empty note note it's been in me
for quite a while
Will someone stop me? No, not at all



(the) subliminal sound
it controls our lives
(the) subliminal sound
it controls our minds
but there's nothing to fear
even though there is no one here
we won't have to fly
that's one big lie

(Chorus)



Chorus:

For some reason I don't like it bright
Cloudy days or during (the) night is when I find peace
Doesn't even seem right that it makes me feel at ease
It's confusing don't know which way to go
but I know I don't like the flow



just add the chorus wherever
uh...ya
#3
dude, dont bump, no matter how frustrating it gets when u crit other ppls works and they dont back.

(Chrous)

(Tell me) have you ever seen a harvest cresent moon?
It's all that's left of me because of you
One day I will be full
and eclipse over you!
nice wording, i love it

Tumbling, falling, down the cliff of life
(oh) when will I stop
It hurt so much
I used to wish I could just hit the bottom
but that's not the point of life
not as good, but its decent, ur line lengths do change up here, making it a bit choppy in my opinion

I bite my tounge at night
maybe during my dreams
or maybe because of life
since nothing seems right
why leave my sights
ok, the last line jsut seems forced in there
(Chorus)

the empty note it plays itself
it haunts through us all
sometimes if it stays too long
it causes us to fallsounds forced, unnatural
the empty note note it's been in me
for quite a while
Will someone stop me? No, not at all
and i dont like the last 2 lines,dont seem to fit. also try adding commas, maknig it easier to read


(the) subliminal sound
it controls our lives
(the) subliminal sound
it controls our minds
but there's nothing to fear
even though there is no one here
we won't have to fly
that's one big lie
the last 2 lines are cheesy, and seem to serve no other point than to rhyme
(Chorus)


Chorus:

For some reason I don't like it bright
Cloudy days or during (the) night is when I find peace
Doesn't even seem right that it makes me feel at ease
It's confusing don't know which way to go
but I know I don't like the flow
the last line's rhyme is cheesey


ok, pretty good, i loved the chorus, it was the best part of the whole thing.but u would start out fine with ur verses, then towards the end seemed like u were running out of things to say, so u used simple rhymes which made it sound cheesy.

crit 'upon the unknown' if u could
#4
k lol i change those cheesy lines

and reword some lines to make it flow

thanks for the feedback
uh...ya
#6
Ok, so you had a great start, and then you drifted into cliche/unoriginal ideas and bland imagery and metaphors I've heard so many times. You also shifted to terrible, forced rhyming.

Take the start, write a piece only using that moon/celestial idea, and don't worry about the length. I know in terms of songwriting you think you need to write heavily-structured, but start opening up your mind. Couldn't you write two stanzas and play off of those in song?

Anyway, looking forward to some more. If you could read my new piece "We Are A Constellation" and/or "I have Kissed Bayonets"(In my sig) I'd appreciate it. Bayonets is satirical prose, Constellation is kind of nostalgic love-y stuff...
#7
ok thanks again for the feed back ill check out ur stuff too
uh...ya