#1
this song sounds a bit like "the approaching curve" by rise against. the verses are written in free-verse, and the chorus is sung

Healing the Storm

[Verse 1 (spoken)]:

I lay here in my bed, the covers pulled up to my chin
Shivering
The heater is broken, and so is my heart.

The rain outside is battering angrily against the windows,
With an intensity matched only by that of my anger

Lightning strikes the chimney, and the walls begin to crumble down around me.
I am reminded of my own life,
Crumbling down around me
As I lay here
Shivering

[Chorus (sung)]:

I didn’t mean to hurt you
Didn’t mean to make you feel alone
I would say I’m sorry and make things right
If you would only pick up your phone
When I call
I’m calling your name
What I said is wrong
But now my words are tame
Can we start over?
Can we try this again?
This time I’ll mean it
I wont pretend
When I say I love you
Your heart I will mend

[Verse 2 (spoken)]:

I open my eyes and find myself sprawled upon the floor,
Amidst heaps of smoldering ruble.
The storm is over, but its mark remains.

I watch as scenes from my life unfold before me.
It is like watching a pleasant dream become a horrendous nightmare.

I see very distinctly the first time we met,
The first time we fell in love.
A feeling of happiness descends upon me like a pure white dove.

But then the scenes, the memories, become jumbled and confusing.
A whispered word of love, then an angry shouted threat.
Your smiling face, then a look of regret.
And sadness as deep as the black ocean depths.

[Chorus (sung)]:

I didn’t mean to hurt you
Didn’t mean to make you feel alone
I would say I’m sorry and make things right
If you would only pick up your phone
When I call
I’m calling your name
What I said is wrong
But now my words are tame
Can we start over?
Can we try this again?
This time I’ll mean it
I wont pretend
When I say I love you
Your heart I will mend

[guitar solo]

[Verse 3 (spoken)]:

as the nightmarish visions come to an end, I know just what I have to do.
I take my phone out of my pocket and dial your number, praying do God that this time, you will pick up.
I have to make things right.
I can run from you no longer.

(Music builds, then stops suddenly.)

*Ringing sound*

*Ringing sound*

“Hello?”

(Music comes back in)

[Chorus (sung)]:

I didn’t mean to hurt you
Didn’t mean to make you feel alone
I am sorry for all that I’ve put you through
I am so glad that you picked up your phone
Please don’t cry
Everything’s going to be fine
What I said was wrong
But now I’m crying along
With you, with you
Ill dry your tears
If you give me another
Chance


Thanks for crit!
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Fender MIM strat with dimarzio pups
JCM800
Egnater Rebel 30
Takamine Acoustic
tons of pedals
Last edited by phobiafreak949 at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
anyone wanna crit?
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Fender MIM strat with dimarzio pups
JCM800
Egnater Rebel 30
Takamine Acoustic
tons of pedals
#3
Sounds pretty good. I like the way you infused weather with love. It sounds like someone has ripped your heart apart and you still love them, and want a way out, which would be reuniting together. All in all i think its pretty good.
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dying hurts

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#4
thanks alot. its more about getting in a fight with someone that you love, but then in the morning realizing that you still love her and remembering all the great times you had together and deciding to call her and make up. thanks for the crit
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Fender MIM strat with dimarzio pups
JCM800
Egnater Rebel 30
Takamine Acoustic
tons of pedals
#5
anyone else wanna crit?
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Fender MIM strat with dimarzio pups
JCM800
Egnater Rebel 30
Takamine Acoustic
tons of pedals
#7
thanks alot
Gear:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Fender MIM strat with dimarzio pups
JCM800
Egnater Rebel 30
Takamine Acoustic
tons of pedals
#8
Quit replying to yourself.

You get the thread closed for that.
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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#9
Quote by phobiafreak949


I lay here in my bed, the covers pulled up to my chin
Shivering
The heater is broken, and so is my heart.

The rain outside is battering angrily against the windows,
With an intensity matched only by that of my anger

Lightning strikes the chimney, and the walls begin to crumble down around me.
I am reminded of my own life,
Crumbling down around me I don't like how you repeated the words "Crumbled down around me" I would think of some other way of saying it,
As I lay here
Shivering

[Chorus (sung)]:

I didn’t mean to hurt you
Didn’t mean to make you feel alone
I would say I’m sorry and make things right
If you would only pick up your phone
When I call
I’m calling your name
What I said is wrong
But now my words are tame
Can we start over?
Can we try this again?
This time I’ll mean it
I wont pretend
When I say I love you
Your heart I will mend

Love this chorus, maybe a bit long, but it's got a good message


[Verse 2 (spoken)]:

I open my eyes and find myself sprawled upon the floor,
Amidst heaps of smoldering ruble.
The storm is over, but its mark remains.

I watch as scenes from my life unfold before me.
It is like watching a pleasant dream become a horrendous nightmare.

This part above just doesn't seem to flow as well as the other lines, maybe a little work on it would help

I see very distinctly the first time we met,
The first time we fell in love.
A feeling of happiness descends upon me like a pure white dove.

But then the scenes, the memories, become jumbled and confusing.
A whispered word of love, then an angry shouted threat.
Your smiling face, then a look of regret.
And sadness as deep as the black ocean depths.

I like how you don't always rhyme but this one really fit well, this is my favorite part, especially how you used an ocean to portray sadness, which I don't hear a lot

[Chorus (sung)]:

[guitar solo]

[Verse 3 (spoken)]:

as the nightmarish visions come to an end, I know just what I have to do.
I take my phone out of my pocket and dial your number, praying do God that this time, you will pick up.
I have to make things right.
I can run from you no longer.

Not really a fan of this part here, but I think it's just some stylistic differences, not something I'd be worried about

(Music builds, then stops suddenly.)

*Ringing sound*

*Ringing sound*

“Hello?”

Maybe a little cliche, but it does sound nice

(Music comes back in)

[Chorus (sung)]:

Thanks for crit!


Your welcome, and thanks for critting mine,
lol, it was a nice piece, maybe a little of work to do, but it's good, has a lot of room for people to relate to it...

p.s. stop bumping yourself, I wanna read more of your stuff, but I can't do that if you get banned
Gear:
Ibanez JS100
03 Squier Strat
1980 Ovation Matrix Accoustic
Peavey Valveking 112
Washburn T-14 Taurus (Bass)
SWR Working Pro 100 watt bass amp