#1
Well due to my year 12 studies and doing Composing and Arranging as part of my music course i have been messing around on the piano (an instrument i am what you would call shithouse at) and so i was sitting in class on the day of a girls birthday, and everyone had forgotten. This girl is really popular and so, because everyone had forgotten she was being rather quiet. One of the only things she said all lesson was "don't you mean the twilight?", we were in English & doing poetry and the conversation changed to how the teacher thought 1 in 5 of us wrote poetry, she turned to me and smiled. Her names Kerry, she is the inspiration behind Hello, Noelle and A Little Bit Of Distance and now she has this to her name as well...

Sorry for the lead up story, probably not neccessary but anyway...

_________________________________________________________

Hold This Chord

This hurts my eyes
I have been writing for months
On love and lust
Of ribbons, piano fingers
And what to show
To the girl it’s all for
Ask her to wait
While I file it, write more
But she’s not as patient
As I’d like to hope she is
And she sees through me
Like the way I write this
So sing me something
And I swear it’s enough
Sweet and sorrowful
'cause we’re sad and in love

And what do you feel when walk in the twilight?
The creator made light so we can have this moment
And some see your eyes, when they fight for control
But it’s all I can do just to hold this chord

I’ve told you before
That I am beyond
Losing something for
The sake of a song
I am that voice
That pleads to your heart
Pulls at your head
And flows through fingers
So sing me something
And I swear it’s enough
Sweet and depressing
Sad, or in love

And what do you feel when you walk in the twilight?
The creator made light so we can have this moment
And some see your eyes, when they fight for control
But it’s all I can do just to hold this chord

And float with this
Go with it
I'm at my best tonight
When you hear the words
And the sweetest voice
You're listening to yourself
Through my mind
_________________________________________________

To clarify, before people get ideas Kerry was the inspiration, she gave me the idea s to write about, but the person it's for... that's not Kerry except the "some see your eyes" line, that's Kerry through and Through

Hope that clears things up before it ends badly

hope you all like it
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Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Feb 11, 2007,
#2
One problem:

Instead of because, you wrote coz.

I didn't really feel a rhyme scheme, so nothing to say with that. Anyway, rhyme schemes get boring after a while.

Nice use of words, and some good description.

The chorus is also strong, and stronger with the repitition.

I'd give this one a 9/10. Well done!
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#3
This hurts my eyes
I have been writing for months
On love and lust
Of ribbons, piano fingers
And what to show
To the girl it’s all for
Ask her to wait
While I file it, write more
But she’s not as patient * bad flow between this line and the next one *
As I’d like to hope she is
And she sees through me
Like the way I write this
So sing me something
And I swear it’s enough
Sweet and sorrowful * Love this line and the next, slightly cliche but still great *
'cause we’re sad and in love

And what do you feel when walk in the twilight? * I think you missed a "you" in there *
The creator made light so we can have this moment
And some see your eyes, when they fight for control
But it’s all I can do just to hold this chord

Great Great chorus, not very chatchy, but still great, I loved it.

I’ve told you before
That I am beyond * Bad flow between this line and the next *
Losing something for
The sake of a song
I am that voice
That pleads to your heart
Pulls at your head
And flows through fingers
So sing me something
And I swear it’s enough
Sweet and depressing * Not as good as in the first verse, but still very good *
Sad, or in love

And what do you feel when you walk in the twilight?
The creator made light so we can have this moment
And some see your eyes, when they fight for control
But it’s all I can do just to hold this chord

And float with this
Go with it
I'm at my best tonight
When you hear the words
And the sweetest voice
You're listening to yourself
Through my mind

Very good ending, I loved this song, there are slight flow problems here and there, but that may be because of my reading it incorrectly, really great song.
Edit: Another small problem is that you keep repeating the word "and", a little too much for my taste.
C4C? my latest song is the loves that I have in my sig.
#4
eh... I liek your changes from sweet and asorrowful to sweet and depressing and the sad and in love to sad or in love, other than that i think it was a pretty typical song.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
Hahaha thanks guys for your crits and i'll get back to those who as for them asap (the homework thing here even though it's only the third week, is still way beyond what i expected)

I'm with her, but it's long distance at the moment unfortunately *sadness*

She's amazing, and has a habit of patrolling these forums so she's most likely read it already

Thanks for your crits, get back to them ASAP

Keep 'em coming guys

Matt
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#7
*walks in and clears throat* AHEM

This song is good.


*runs away*
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Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
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#8
yeah are you still in secondary school or whatever oyu call it down there? or aer you at university?
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#9
Ally haha

And further, i'm in year 12 which is like matric or whatever you call it, the year before University starts

So last year of secondary yes
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#10
I love the
''But it’s all I can do just to hold this chord''

Even if its not the way u meant it this the line ive been thinking about in one way or another for soooo long...

Auals, Thankyou.

This was so great... And by the way im doing the same class as you!!
But anyway, Thanks and keep up the great work!

p.s. PM me with a hotmail address if u have one??

o and crit mine if u get a chance? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=522183
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

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You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#11
Thanks Azza, i'll pm you in a sec, i'm glad you like it

As i said before i wrote the song in English and the "hold this chord" thing was actually meant to be something different, i changed it because i was talking with a friend and it suddenly hit me, so i'm glad you like it

Shall be c4cing as soon as i've finished recording, some of my songs are being played on the Radio soon and this is going to be one of them, hardcore so i'll be c4cing soon

Keep em coming

Matt
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."