#1
Another song I wrote(I know it's a little obscure and short, but well, that's what came out):

When I love alone
If my thoughts aren't known
Why a light I can't shine
In another minds eye

When I sleep and don't dream
If my head could never think
Why my soul wouln't blink,
Relieve me of my pain

These are the two loves that I have
The second of comfort, the first of despair
If you'd rid me of them both
I'd be happy, but ask you what is there?
#2
When I love alone
If my thoughts aren't known
Why a light I can't shine
In another minds eye

I'm trying to decipher the meaning. Does it mean that if you were trying to express your love for someone you could do it with the power of thought.
I'm guessing you intend it to be complex, so if I got it wrong I got it wrong. I like this verse.


When I sleep and don't dream
If my head could never think
Why my soul wouln't **(wouldn't)** blink,
Relieve me of my pain

Those last two lines are pretty much indecipherable to me. Is your soul blinking going to relieve you of your pain? Is that what you mean? I still like the flow, have no idea what it means, but it obviously means something I just haven't got the brain cells to work it out.

These are the two loves that I have
The second of comfort, the first of despair
If you'd rid me of them both
I'd be happy, but ask you what is there?

I like this verse.

Overall good flow I think. V short, maybe better as a poem than a song. Kind of thing that'd get studied in class and the teacher trying to explain what it means and me staring out the window wanting to play football.

Anyway nice work.
#3
When I love alone
If my thoughts aren't known
Why a light I can't shine
In another minds eye

Like the start, don't get i fully though..

When I sleep and don't dream
If my head could never think
Why my soul wouln't blink,
Relieve me of my pain

this is my fav. part, the two last lines are exceptional!

These are the two loves that I have
The second of comfort, the first of despair
If you'd rid me of them both
I'd be happy, but ask you what is there?

this is also good, the ending is good.. but i dont get it totally..but nice poem dude!
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#4
When I love alone
If my thoughts aren't known
Why a light I can't shine
In another minds eye
i like the wording, i jsut cant understand it

When I sleep and don't dream
If my head could never think
Why my soul wouln't blink,
Relieve me of my pain
not as good as ur first verse, but still pretty good

These are the two loves that I have
The second of comfort, the first of despair
If you'd rid me of them both
I'd be happy, but ask you what is there?
i like it, except the use of the word 'happy' happy doesnt describe anything really, and its kinda blunt. so use somthing differnt

very good tho, i cant fully grasp it, but the wording is pretty good.nice work
crit 'upon the unknown' if u could