#1
crit4crit


THE ANKH’S MAJESTY

Before I was freed from the slavery of flesh
I recall being locked under cardiac arrest
Believing the incarceration was a mere jest
Naïve to the empyreal judge’s sentence

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Soon, I understood that the meat had gone stale
As I was addressed by the Guardian of the Veil
“Once again Hippocrates’ descendants have failed
Shall we see if your heart tips the Amenthes scale?”

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

The Jackal-Headed God perfumes the sarcophagus
With my body enshrined in catacomb basements
A natron pantheon watched by the sons of Horus
Bathed in the aroma of black myrrh fragrance

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Admiring the embalmer’s magnificent art
My lamenters all recited the mourning bard
Libra will find me worth to be among the stars
Only if the feather outweighs my revealing heart

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach
#3
Amazin. Word usage is excellent and its a very different concept.

Soon, I understood that the meat had gone stale
As I was addressed by the Guardian of the Veil
“Once again Hippocrates’ descendants have failed
Shall we see if your heart tips the Amenthes scale?”


thats my favorite.

For those who dont know. When an egyptian died, its said they would weigh the heart of the desceased to see if it were lighter then a feather. Lighter means they are pure, and heavier means weighed down by evil deeds.
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#5
Hey I thought this was really good, especially the links with the scale and Anubis etc, they didn't seem forced at all. The only thing I would say was that the rhyme scheme changed partway through, at the beginning all the lines in the verse rhymed and then at the end it's alternate, it's still effective I just wondered if you had picked up on it. Also I think the spelling of 'empyreal' is 'imperial' unless it's an ancient Egyptian word and I've just made myself look very stupid :P

Anyway yeah nice job, and thanks for the crit
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit


THE ANKH’S MAJESTY

Before I was freed from the slavery of flesh
I recall being locked under cardiac arrest
Believing the incarceration was a mere jest
Naïve to the empyreal judge’s sentence

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Soon, I understood that the meat had gone stale
As I was addressed by the Guardian of the Veil
“Once again Hippocrates’ descendants have failed
Shall we see if your heart tips the Amenthes scale?”

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

The Jackal-Headed God perfumes the sarcophagus
With my body enshrined in catacomb basements
A natron pantheon watched by the sons of Horus
Bathed in the aroma of black myrrh fragrance

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Admiring the embalmer’s magnificent art
My lamenters all recited the mourning bard
Libra will find me worth to be among the stars
Only if the feather outweighs my revealing heart

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach


the whole piece is great absolutely fantastic i cant fid anything to criticize you on .well done job thnx for the crit
Hi
#7
The rhyming, it seemed kinda forced. The rest was good, though. Good imagery.
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#8
I really appreciate the references to Egyptian mythology. Quite honestly, I appreciate references to any mythology. Also, the phrase "slavery of flesh" is absolutely genius. I really, really liked this piece a lot. Your word choice is good, your topic is awesome, but your imagery and references are absolutely top-shelf. I imagine this as a death metal song a la Nile, but that's largely irrelevant. Long story short - I'm digging it.

If there was really anything constructive to say about this, I'd say it now. I think our styles are awfully similar, since I don't think I'd change very much. All in all, great piece. I loved it.

At any rate, if you feel like critting one of mine, it would be most appreciated -

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=521652
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524314

Pick your poison. I think the first one is better though.
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#9
THE ANKH’S MAJESTY

Before I was freed from the slavery of flesh
I recall being locked under cardiac arrest
Believing the incarceration was a mere jest
Naïve to the empyreal judge’s sentence

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Soon, I understood that the meat had gone stale
As I was addressed by the Guardian of the Veil
“Once again Hippocrates’ descendants have failed
Shall we see if your heart tips the Amenthes scale?”

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

The Jackal-Headed God perfumes the sarcophagus
With my body enshrined in catacomb basements
A natron pantheon watched by the sons of Horus
Bathed in the aroma of black myrrh fragrance

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Admiring the embalmer’s magnificent art
My lamenters all recited the mourning bard
Libra will find me worth to be among the stars
Only if the feather outweighs my revealing heart
Mixed tenses- confusing.

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

the lines I have highlited are either ones I think can be improved either due to flow, lack of nice sounding wording, forced rhyme or general I don't think they sound good in with the tone of the piece.

I wish I could give you more tmv, it's another solid piece bar the few lines I've highlited.
#10
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit


THE ANKH’S MAJESTY

Before I was freed from the slavery of flesh
I recall being locked under cardiac arrest
Believing the incarceration was a mere jest
Naïve to the empyreal judge’s sentence

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Soon, I understood that the meat had gone stale
As I was addressed by the Guardian of the Veil
“Once again Hippocrates’ descendants have failed
Shall we see if your heart tips the Amenthes scale?”

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

The Jackal-Headed God perfumes the sarcophagus
With my body enshrined in catacomb basements
A natron pantheon watched by the sons of Horus
Bathed in the aroma of black myrrh fragrance

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach

Admiring the embalmer’s magnificent art
My lamenters all recited the mourning bard
Libra will find me worth to be among the stars
Onaly if the feather outweighs my reveling heart

The ecstasy blankets my psyche
The Ankh’s majesty is within reach



Well, I can't really find anything to critizise you on. Perhaps that it doesn't give the reader anything. Maybe it's beacuse of the references to egyptian mythology and because I know so little about it. Even though I'm not a big fan of the 'references to mythologies' kinda thing, I think you did very good. Very original.