#1
I was feeling bad, so I wrote this (crit4crit):

Verse:
It’s hanging out of my throat
Just to trash my guts on the road
It’s freezing my skin to my bones

My soul seems invisible
Like you, you’re unstoppable
The sorrow makes me unknown

So I run, I run with hell on my back
Just knowing I can’t turn back
And the beat of my heart is just gone

This place; it’s rotten and I can’t see its face
I’ve been here for too many days
My feet are burning in the sun

Chorus:
And me, I’m digging my grave
My mind is nothing but ache
Black holes in the empty space
And all the minds are nothing but haze
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


Quote by pinheadslts75
I hate AVA. They sound like U2 and Rush getting beat up by Panic at the Fall Out Boy.


:stickpoke
#2
t’s hanging out of my throat
Just to trash my guts on the road
It’s freezing my skin to my bones
very graphic, pretty good, but whats hanging out of ur throat? i dont get it

My soul seems invisible
Like you, you’re unstoppable
The sorrow makes me unknown

So I run, I run with hell on my back
Just knowing I can’t turn back
And the beat of my heart is just gone
this one i didnt like as much, nothing really to stand it out like ur other ones

This place; it’s rotten and I can’t see its face
I’ve been here for too many days
My feet are burning in the sun
mabe would have done better adding one more line here

Chorus:
And me, I’m digging my grave
My mind is nothing but ache
Black holes in the empty space
And all the minds are nothing but haze
pretty good ending, except the diiging ur own grave part, try using differnt words to describe the same meaning

overal, pretty good.
__________________
#3
Thx!
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


Quote by pinheadslts75
I hate AVA. They sound like U2 and Rush getting beat up by Panic at the Fall Out Boy.


:stickpoke
#4
I enjoyed it, but I suggest you don't use 'back' as a line ender for two lines in a row, it seems kind of redundant. Still good though.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?
#6
Quote by BringMeTheCalm
I enjoyed it, but I suggest you don't use 'back' as a line ender for two lines in a row, it seems kind of redundant. Still good though.


Thank u very much!
I've considered changing that..
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


Quote by pinheadslts75
I hate AVA. They sound like U2 and Rush getting beat up by Panic at the Fall Out Boy.


:stickpoke
#7
It’s hanging out of my throat
Just to trash my guts on the road
It’s freezing my skin to my bones

Interesting start, can't really make anything out of it yet... but still, the wording is good and the gory aggressive feel is felt well.

My soul seems invisible
Like you, you’re unstoppable
The sorrow makes me unknown

A slight change of pace, interesting...

So I run, I run with hell on my back
Just knowing I can’t turn back
And the beat of my heart is just gone

Back to the aggressive feel...

This place; it’s rotten and I can’t see its face
I’ve been here for too many days
My feet are burning in the sun

Chorus:
And me, I’m digging my grave
My mind is nothing but ache
Black holes in the empty space
And all the minds are nothing but haze

In general the song is interesting, the wording is very good, and has a very solid hard rock edge to it, I don't quite get the meaning of it all, if there is one, but really its good and strong.
I have only one complaint, and that is that (unless I'm missing something...) this song has no depth, as fun as it may be, and its perfect for a hard hitting rock song, it has no meaning, which takes points off in my book, a song can rock and still have depth.
C4C? my latest song is "The Two Loves I have" in my sig.
#8
^Okay thanks a lot..

I'll check on yours!
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


Quote by pinheadslts75
I hate AVA. They sound like U2 and Rush getting beat up by Panic at the Fall Out Boy.


:stickpoke