#1
hi everybody, jsut trying sumthing a bit differnt. i would like for this to be a song, but somehow im afraid it turned out to be a poem.crit for crit

i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather,hostile rain
describes all my future pain
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on to
search it's welcoming chambers
as though I've done no one wrong
notice the light as it dare not shine
the pitch-black consumes us all
don't you take up my path,
tonight is one of aged despair
something you cant begin to share.

glance at the haunting steps,
to the heavens do they stretch
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know.
they're too discouraging for me
but i climb with little effort from within.
their presence so mysterious,
as if they could swallow you whole,
(steal your soul,leaving you empty)
a walking misery is all they bestow.

view the world from
deathly dark heights
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
only thing left in mind
how many bones will i break?
i hope to break them all
dont let me survive the fall

as the ground nears,
it reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless man
left dry of all memories

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity


this whole song/poem just kinda came up on its own, and i just wrote it.lol
crit for crit
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 18, 2007,
#2
i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather,hostel rain (hostile? hostel is a cheap place to board)
describes future pain for me
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

I like the first verse it builds a nice little background and sets the mood for the journey.

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on
as though I've done no one wrong
notice the light dare not shine
as pitch-black consumes you all
don't you take up my path
don't you even dare
my path is one of courage
something you cant share.

I like this; reminds me of Sam and Frodo. Not sure if that's what you intended!

oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow
or maybe hell, I'm soon know (I'll soon know / I'm soon to know)
they seem to steep,to difficult for me (too not to, minor grammatical)
but i climb with little effort of me
their presence so mysterious
as if they could swallow your body,
steal a humans soul,leave you empty
a walking misery is all they bestow

Like it, climbing the tower, very nice.

view the world from
deathly dark heights
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free

Oh gosh! Suicide? Liking the story so far, suspense.

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
only thing left to think
how many bones will i break?
hopefully them all
i don't wanna survive the fall

This is a good poem. Wanna could become Want to if it's to be a poem.

as the ground
reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to a empty, worthless man (an empty, minor grammatical)
left dry of all memories

Another good verse. Dude are you ok? Hope this didn't come entirely from the heart.

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity

Nice ending. All in all a V good piece about suicide. I like it a lot as a poem.

edit: C4C? If you have time thanks bud.
#3
Hey, I could definitely see this being a song. I enjoyed reading this piece. I liked all the ironic situations you placed thorughout the piece. This piece was very dark, yet not overly dramatic or corny. The only problem I had was the flow. It seemed kind of off to me, but that might just be me. Anyways, the wording was great and I'm really looking forward to reading more from you. Nice job and keep it up.

Crit mine please
The Ankh's Majesty
#6
I like the use of known/know in the first few lines. The weather imagry seems a bit cliche, but I like the following bit darkest sun/please don't run.

The second stanza seems a little cheesy to me but I like the overall idea.

"oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow
or maybe hell, I'm soon know" I think is perfect, I like feeling of ascension that the words steps and grow add. This whole stanza has a nice eerie feel to it.

The phrase fisted hand seems redundant to me, maybe use a different adjective to imply a similar meaning, crushing or scavenging maybe?

I don't quite understand exactly what your getting at with the final line, but the ending is effective.
#7
Quote by ragglefraggle
well, i wasnt trying to force anything, i dont think the rhymes sound forced, bu thats ok, its ur opinion, i was going for the mysterous suspence, ending up with the suicide at the end and catch people off gaurd.sorry if u didnt like it.


i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'

I don't know how you can defend that line not being forced, but to each his own I guess.

The flow is awful(Despite the meter being spot on.), and the rhyme is even worse.
#8
i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather, hostile rain
describes my future pain
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me not to run
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

Great start, nice flow to get the whole song/poem started

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on(trying to get me to fall)
Looking down, I scream and shout
though I've done no one wrong,
notice the light as it dare not shine
The pitch-black consumes us all
don't take my path
don't you even dare
my path is one of aged dispair
something you can't begin to share.

oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know
they seem to steep, too difficult for me
but i climb with little effort from within
their presence so mysterious
as if they could swallow your body,
steals a human soul, leaving you empty
a walking misery is all they bestow

view the world from
deathly heights
all there is left for me
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives i see
oh, I'll soon set mine free

the wind carrying me on
up to the great beyond
only thing on my mind's
how many bones will i break?
i hope to break them all
Don't let me survive the fall

as the ground gets near
it reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless soul
left dry of all memories

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity

Well, all the bold words are suggestions, I hope that you like them, and see what points I am trying to get across! Very good though, PM if you have any questions, and I look forward to some more work.
#9
i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather,hostile rain
describes future pain for me<---for me isnt neccesary
i never noticed the darkest sun<--too wordy, try removing th I
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on
as though I've done no one wrong<------too wordy again, remove One
notice the light dare not shine
as pitch-black consumes you all
don't you take up my path<-----lines should be relatively short and understandable(don't take up my path)
don't you even dare
my path is one of courage
something you cant share.

oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow(they do grow)
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know
they seem to steep,too difficult for me(too high for me)
but i climb with little effort of me(confusing)
their presence so mysterious
as if they could swallow your body,
steal a humans soul,leave you empty(steal a soul, steal your soul)
a walking misery is all they bestow(walking mystery they bestow)

view the world from
deathly dark heights(deathly heights)
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
only thing left to think
how many bones will i break?
hopefully them all
i don't wanna survive the fall

as the ground
reaches out for my soul(reaches for my soul)
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless man
left dry of all memories

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity

interesting, a little too wordy, and slightly confusing at parts. hope this helps
Member of the Neutral Milk Hotel club PM Hamish5178 to join~
The Special Ed kid of the bass militia. PM DinkyDaisy to join

Quote by fourstringpunk
She looks like an STD vending machine.
#10
i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather,hostile rain
describes all my future pain
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

Interesting start, good misty mood...

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on to
search it's welcoming chambers * bad flow between this and the next line
as though I've done no one wrong
notice the light as it dare not shine
the pitch-black consumes us all
don't you take up my path
don't you even dare
my path is one of aged despair
something you cant begin to share.

Good continuation, although the last four verses aren't as good as the rest of the verse.

oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know
they seem to steep,too difficult for me
but i climb with little effort from within
their presence so mysterious
as if they could swallow your body,
steals a human's soul,leaving you empty
a walking misery is all they bestow

I love the first two lines, the rest though are a little repetetive, by repeating your idea in so many barely different ways loses the readers attention.

view the world from * bad flow between this line and the next
deathly dark heights
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free

Decent verse, although it feels as though the last four lines just drag on with no point.

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
only thing left in mind
how many bones will i break?
i hope to break them all
dont let me survive the fall

as the ground nears,
it reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless man
left dry of all memories

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity

The last three verses feel kind of pointless to me, the wording is decent, but they mess up with the consistency of the song, and as far as I can see give no answers to the questions that one asks while reading your song.
A song doesn't have to have a clear meaning, but it should give the reader a sense of completness, and I can't find that in this song, does this song have a meaning to you?
Anyway, the song in general is good, but like I said it lacks a point, a verse to drive things in, and especially in a song this length that point is needed.
Really the song is good, but the main problem is that it drags on for a long time with no conclusion, try rewriting it, while taking off bits and adding a verse in the end that makes the whole song make sense.
#11
Quote by ragglefraggle
hi everybody, jsut trying sumthing a bit differnt. i would like for this to be a song, but somehow im afraid it turned out to be a poem.crit for crit

i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather,hostile rain
describes all my future pain
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

Well, this stanza is good. I really liked the two last lines

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on to
search it's welcoming chambers
as though I've done no one wrong
notice the light as it dare not shine
the pitch-black consumes us all
don't you take up my path,
tonight is one of aged despair
something you cant begin to share.

This is where it starts making some real sense to me. Even though I don't really like the last line. It doesn't really add anything to the piece, in fact I think that it speaks for itself.

oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know
they seem to steep,too difficult for me
but i climb with little effort from within
their presence so mysterious
as if they could swallow your body,
steals a human's soul,leaving you empty
a walking misery is all they bestow

This stanza is alright.

view the world from
deathly dark heights
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free

This is my favourite stanza off this poem

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
only thing left in mind
how many bones will i break?
i hope to break them all
dont let me survive the fall

as the ground nears,
it reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless man
left dry of all memories

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity


this whole song/poem just kinda came up on its own, and i just wrote it.lol
crit for crit


I kinda looked at it as poem/song with a lot of metphores. To me it had a lot of metaphorical stuff in it. It might just be me over-analyzing the piece, but.. Interesting reading. Actually, I don't see any mistakes the last three lines. As I said, it occurs to me that you are more or less tryig to tell a very, very metphorical story (noting wrong with that) but I might just be wrong
#12
thanx for the crit, and yes i was going for a very metaphorical story/poem/song. i wanted to relate almost everything i could to differnt things, to describe everything how i wanted to.i also wanted to make it to where the reader would read it through, and not suspect the ending, and be very thrown off.thx, ill get to urs wen i can
#13
I liked it. It was dark and kinda long but it kept you interested. I like the way you've tried to do the run on lines even if it hasn't worked all too well the basis is there and i think with practice you'll get it. The language and imagery is great its the flow I have the biggest problem. The first verse flowed really well, the others didnt as much but overall i think it was good. Look forward to seeing your next piece.
#14
omg, i was completely drawn into the powers of this song by the first two lines.
awsome work man
#15
I like your Song....or Writeing,
It has A Pretty Deadly Dark feeling,
the only thing that bugged Me was The Flow In your song.
but I know you could fix it.

But I Say, Its A Good Peice of Writeing
#16
Quote by adscott1982
i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
the stormy weather,hostel rain (hostile? hostel is a cheap place to board)
describes future pain for me
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

I like the first verse it builds a nice little background and sets the mood for the journey.

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on
as though I've done no one wrong
notice the light dare not shine
as pitch-black consumes you all
don't you take up my path
don't you even dare
my path is one of courage
something you cant share.

I like this; reminds me of Sam and Frodo. Not sure if that's what you intended!

oh the haunting steps
to the heavens do they grow
or maybe hell, I'm soon know (I'll soon know / I'm soon to know)
they seem to steep,to difficult for me (too not to, minor grammatical)
but i climb with little effort of me
their presence so mysterious
as if they could swallow your body,
steal a humans soul,leave you empty
a walking misery is all they bestow

Like it, climbing the tower, very nice.

view the world from
deathly dark heights
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free

Oh gosh! Suicide? Liking the story so far, suspense.

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
only thing left to think
how many bones will i break?
hopefully them all
i don't wanna survive the fall

This is a good poem. Wanna could become Want to if it's to be a poem.

as the ground
reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
waiting to deal the final blow
to a empty, worthless man (an empty, minor grammatical)
left dry of all memories

Another good verse. Dude are you ok? Hope this didn't come entirely from the heart.

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity

Nice ending. All in all a V good piece about suicide. I like it a lot as a poem.

edit: C4C? If you have time thanks bud.


i think its a great song/poem, i definately think the first paragrph is the best though
#17
Can I ask what type of song this is? Is it like .. fast shred metal? More of a slow acoustic? With that I think I'll be able to determine what I think of it and give you a full crit. If you'd rather me just do it without assuming a genre let me know and I'll interpret how I did at first glance.
#18
Holy crap, like a rhyming essay! Enjoyed it to the fullest! I could see the things happening before me as I was reading down the page. The ending, was awesome, and could not have been done better IMO. Favourite phrase:
I never noticed the darkest sun
Listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
#19
i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
This is an interesting idea. I feel it could be worded much more cleverly though.
the stormy weather,hostile rain
describes all my future pain
Second line is painful, ironically.
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
sounds oh so forced. Trick to rhyme is never let the reader know when you're going to rhyme.
but i keep my will forward
This is dodgy, very odd wording. Can be improved.
traveling the night I'll never miss
Again, this is worded so it doesn't make great sense.

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on to
search it's welcoming chambers
This has poor flow and also reads quite badly, I hate it when people go " the blah blah", just say "a" not "the" or something, I dunno. Second line runs into the third horribly.
as though I've done no one wrong
Internal rhyme. Good.
notice the light as it dare not shine
the pitch-black consumes us all
Good two lines.
don't you take up my path,
tonight is one of aged despair
something you cant begin to share.
Last two lines sound forced and icky The line before them is too blunt.

glance at the haunting steps,
to the heavens do they stretch
Forced second line, really. When somethings worded like that you can tell straight off you were looking for the rhyme first. Never look for the rhyme first unless you can word it decently.
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know.
I don't think the message comes across all to strongly here.
they're too discouraging for me
but i climb with little effort from within.
Good.
their presence so mysterious,
as if they could swallow you whole,
(steal your soul,leaving you empty)
a walking misery is all they bestow.
Eh, flow kind of goes to pot here.

view the world from
deathly dark heights
These two lines should provide a solid foundation for an interesting verse.
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
No need for this rhyme here.
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free


the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
on/upon run awfully into each other. Take time to read your work aloud and see how it sounds. Also, reading more helps so much with that skill
only thing left in mind
how many bones will i break?
i hope to break them all
dont let me survive the fall
Too blunt, to cliche, too expected.

as the ground nears,
it reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
this line reads nicely.
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless man
left dry of all memories
Fix the flow and get rid of this last line and this'll be a good verse stanza imo.

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity
Eh. Just.. bleh ending imo. Not original and sounds forced, with awkward wording.

Keep writing

In my sig, if you could
#20
Quote by ragglefraggle

i travel into the unknown
holding on to what i know
I'm not a fan of this line. It may be the whole "into the uknown with what I know" sort of thing. Just doesn't do it for me. Not sure what I'd recommend changing, though.
the stormy weather,hostile rain
describes all my future pain
I like what this is saying, don't like how its said. I think described should be something like foretells or depicts.
i never noticed the darkest sun
listen as it asks me 'please don't run'
but i keep my will forward
traveling the night I'll never miss

the darkened tower stands so tall
watch as it beckons me on to
search it's welcoming chambers
as though I've done no one wrong
notice the light as it dare not shine
the pitch-black consumes us all
don't you take up my path,
tonight is one of aged despair
something you cant begin to share.
Nice! This whole verse is pretty solid. Great imagery, good flow. I like it.

glance at the haunting steps,
to the heavens do they stretch
or maybe hell, I'm soon to know.
First three lines are good.
they're too discouraging for me
but i climb with little effort from within.
I don't understand this line. They appear discouraging but really aren't? Maybe thats it. Not saying its bad .. but just unclear, at first, what it means and what its significance is.
their presence so mysterious,
as if they could swallow you whole,
(steal your soul,leaving you empty)
I'd take this spoken or background line, whatever it is, out. Just doesn't do it for me.
a walking misery is all they bestow.

view the world from
deathly dark heights
all there is left to see
is a haunting difficulty
of all the human lives
oh I'll soon set mine free
Again, very nice!!

the wind carrying me on
upon to the great beyond
Is this supposed to just be "Up to" and not 'upon?' I like "up to" much better.
only thing left in mind
how many bones will i break?
i hope to break them all
dont let me survive the fall
Pretty grim, pretty visual. Good flow.

as the ground nears,
it reaches out for my soul
thrusting forward a fisted hand
Is is possible to reword this? It just doesn't flow as well as the rest of the verse.
waiting to deal the final blow
to an empty, worthless man
left dry of all memories
Again, this verse is very strong overall.

I'm left empty of thought
like you laying next to me
as we both represent
the fall of humanity
I expected a stronger ending, to be honest. Overall this song was very nice. When I got to the end I was just expecting some big .. I dunno, explosion of energy or whatever. Hehe. Overall I liked it though.


Intersting and well written, critique above.
#21
At first glance it was okay, I liked your last one better. I'll edit this later and sorry it taking me so long to return a crit but I've felt like shit for the last couple of days.