#1
The Weakness starts to show,
while the reality seems to grow,
more and more each day,
And I realize nothings ever gonna be okay,

Your the concrete in which i hit,
going 40 while drinking a fifth,
leaving bones dismembered and scars to stain,
the image that's here is i'm still not okay,

Your the one who left me out into the night,
with nowhere to go,
but to get high,
I can't forgive a stupid bitch,
it's that damn cocaine that starts to itch,

my nose bleeds for a reason or two,
my heart can't beat as fast as you,
I will remain a frozen bum,
til your dark heaven comes,

And that one red guy,
takes a pitch fork to your eye,
and your screaming subtle lies,
while he's raming his fist up high,
through that bile duct gland,
it's the happiest ever been,

there's no place,
that's what you'll be saying,
when i'm done with you,
while this cocaine's,
about,
as worthless as you,
#2
The Weakness starts to show,
while the reality seems to grow,
more and more each day,
And I realize nothings ever gonna be okay,
last line is a little to long, but not much. could cut out 'ever' to make it shorter

Your the concrete in which i hit,
going 40 while drinking a fifth,
leaving bones dismembered and scars to stain,
the image that's here is i'm still not okay,
ok, still good. reminds me of "im not okay" by my chem. romance

Your the one who left me out into the night,
with nowhere to go,
but to get high,
I can't forgive a stupid bitch,
it's that damn cocaine that starts to itch,
i would combine line 2 and 3

my nose bleeds for a reason or two,
my heart can't beat as fast as you,
I will remain a frozen bum,
til your dark heaven comes,
i dont like the use of the word bum, try differnt word that works better

And that one red guy,
takes a pitch fork to your eye,
and your screaming subtle lies,
while he's raming his fist up high,
through that bile duct gland,
it's the happiest ever been,
i dont like this verse very much.idk i just dont

there's no place,
that's what you'll be saying,
when i'm done with you,
while this cocaine's,
about,
as worthless as you,

last verse isnt to bad, but not as good as ur others. very good piece here, jsut work on those 2 verses i pointed out.
crit upon the unknown if u could