#1
Crit For Something. I make no promises.

We Are A Constellation

Let's both watch old movie strips
To remind us of an older kiss
Where lips were just enough,
No tongue. No, tongue. No! Tongue. no...

I can spend nights watching stars to pass the time
Envisioning new planets, yours and mine,
And we could fly!
Away from a place that you say we both hate.

Water pouring from your eyes,
What makes you cry?
What makes you smile?

Constellations make for great expectations,
But we all can look beautiful from miles away.
Hold me so much closer.
Send shivers down my spine.

Celebrate the life you have,
What makes you love?
What makes you smile?

You left me speechless like static.
Last edited by Retribution at Feb 18, 2007,
#2
We Are A Constellation

We'll both watch old movie strips
To remind us of an older kiss
Where lips were just enough,
No tongue. No, tongue. No! Tongue. no...
i dont kno about the last line, i didnt like it much

I can spend nights watching stars to pass the time
Envisioning new planets, yours and mine,
And we could fly!
Away from a place that you say we both hate.
i dont like th flying part

Water pouring from your eyes,
What makes you cry?
What makes you smile?
but i really like this part

Constellations make for great expectations,
But we all can look beautiful from miles away.
Hold me so much closer.
Send shivers down my spine.
the shivers down ur spine thing is overused alot

Celebrate the life you have,
What makes you love?
What makes you smile?

You left me speechless like static.

speechless like static, thats differnt, not sure if im seeing the connection tho.anyways, nice work, its interesting, just a few parts pulled away from it in my opinion.

crit 'upon the unknown' if u could
#3
Quote by ragglefraggle
We Are A Constellation

We'll both watch old movie strips
To remind us of an older kiss
Where lips were just enough,
No tongue. No, tongue. No! Tongue. no...
i dont kno about the last line, i didnt like it much

I can spend nights watching stars to pass the time
Envisioning new planets, yours and mine,
And we could fly!
Away from a place that you say we both hate.
i dont like th flying part

Water pouring from your eyes,
What makes you cry?
What makes you smile?
but i really like this part

Constellations make for great expectations,
But we all can look beautiful from miles away.
Hold me so much closer.
Send shivers down my spine.
the shivers down ur spine thing is overused alot

Celebrate the life you have,
What makes you love?
What makes you smile?

You left me speechless like static.

speechless like static, thats differnt, not sure if im seeing the connection tho.anyways, nice work, its interesting, just a few parts pulled away from it in my opinion.

crit 'upon the unknown' if u could


What do you mean 'pulled away from it'?

It strayed off the subject matter or it wasn't as strong as the rest of the stanza or what?

And I KNOW what your problem is with the fly/shivers lines, but why don't you like the "No tongue" line? The spastic punctuation? Or just the idea?
#4
I thought this was a really cool piece. It felt very calm and at peace after I read it. The wording was very beautiful and the flow was perfect. The rhythm and rhyme scheme were excellent. The only line I didn't like was the "And we could fly!" line. It just seems too cliche to me. Other than that small grumbling, I don't see anything else that needs to be changed. Great job and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Crit mine please
The Ankh's Majesty
#6
"And we could fly!" like they said i dont like it. the tounge thing seemed different and a kinda negative way. if i were u id say "No tounge. Just beautiful/true love or something like that even though it sounds dumb but the no tounge over and over just threw it off a little

but besides that great job keep it up
uh...ya
#7
Aw, man. Don't listen to them.

The no tongue line = excellent. Don't even think about changing it.

All in all, it's an interesting piece. I don't see much for me to say about it, to be honest. I think any criticism I might offer would interfere too much with the piece.

Anyway, if you feel like critting mine, after that little shit of a crit -

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524314
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My Band

Quote by Jackal58
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#8
holy wow.

this reminds me of stuff i was writing like.
two years ago. but it's better, of course.
but the themes are pretty much the same.

i liked it. it wasn't great, but it was a nice read.

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
Nice Ret. Very Nice.

The shivers line I think you can improve on imo.

I like the fly! line. It adds that sense of wanting to do the impossible which adds to what I took out as meaning from this.

And that last line was great.

Keep it going
#10
Quote by Grovermans
holy wow.

this reminds me of stuff i was writing like.
two years ago. but it's better, of course.
but the themes are pretty much the same.

i liked it. it wasn't great, but it was a nice read.


That's actually a real compliment.

Thank you.

Quote by Jammydude44

I like the fly! line. It adds that sense of wanting to do the impossible which adds to what I took out as meaning from this.


Spot on.

I don't know why people wouldn't like the tongue line, since I find it to be one of the most important in the piece...
Last edited by Retribution at Feb 13, 2007,
#11
Quote by Retribution
Crit For Something. I make no promises.

We Are A Constellation

We'll both watch old movie strips
To remind us of an older kiss
i understand the attempt at a contrast between older and old, but it doesn't work for me. older just comes off as awkward here, i'd use a synonym.
Where lips were just enough,
No tongue. No, tongue. No! Tongue. no...
i like this last line alot. i'm not sure how necessary the 'just' was in the line before, as it conveys a totally different feeling from the last line.

I can spend nights watching stars to pass the time
Envisioning new planets, yours and mine,
ugh, although you do come from a slightly different angle, it all just sounds too used. 'passing the time' felt unnecessary and useless. felt like a filler line as a hole, and i think you could do mostly without it.
And we could fly!
Away from a place that you say we both hate.
although i like what you're doing with that third line, never use an exclamation point. you can convey that same feeling with a '-' and be more subtle about it. this way, the capitalized last line will make more sense.

Water pouring from your eyes,
What makes you cry?
What makes you smile?
i really just dislike this stanza.

Constellations make for great expectations,
But we all can look beautiful from miles away.
Hold me so much closer.
Send shivers down my spine.
i don't like the wording on the first two lines, nor do i like how it sounds with pauses. in comparison to the last two lines, especially, which are concise and mean something.

Celebrate the life you have,
What makes you love?
What makes you smile?
again, i dislike it. the first line was overused, and you don't take a new angle at all on this.

You left me speechless like static.
this is interesting. the above three stanzas seem to lack this, and i see too much conforming and cliche in them, especially in comparison to this line. as a result, this piece itself doesn't remain consistent enough, imo.


an issue was just the lack of consistency in style. you have great concise lines mixed in with long wordy overused ones. it brings down the piece in my opinion. this piece just lacks a way to go about things. the tongue line and final lines were by far highlights, and for good reason.

sorry to be harsh.

oh, if you could take a look at the updated short story. strides and distractions, in my sig. don't have to crit it all, commenting is fine, as i know its long.
#12
Quote by punchupatatigge
an issue was just the lack of consistency in style. you have great concise lines mixed in with long wordy overused ones. it brings down the piece in my opinion. this piece just lacks a way to go about things. the tongue line and final lines were by far highlights, and for good reason.


I would hardly consider any line in this 'long' or 'wordy', but I can respect what you're saying. I agree with you on one line, but I strongly disagree about the exclamation point. You can use them if you use them sparingly. Once in a piece, to convey extreme emotion is an effective use, in my eyes. I don't think a dash gets across the same idea, sorry.

The refrain - Yeah, I might need to re-write the first line of each. The same flow is going to stay though.

Depending on how long your short story is - I'll read it now.
#13
dude where have you been? I haven't seen you post anything on here lately.. at least not as consistently as you used to.

i liked this piece alot and like jammy said, the whole theme of doing the impossible is powerful throughout it and it makes me love the "fly" line.

it seems like you're progressing into a little deeper lyrics than what you used to write but they are still great.

I love these lines:
Constellations make for great expectations,
But we all can look beautiful from miles away


check mine out if you get the time:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524970
#14
I really liked the first stanza, especially the plays-on-punctuation of the last line.

The only issue I had with the second was the transition between the last two lines. I don't know, it seemed a tiny bit awkward in that it jumped around. I dunno though, that might be just me.

That was really the only problem I had with the piece, the other stanzas seemed really solid, and the last line was the clincher for me. Excellent tie-in with the theme.

Just like "Bayonets," I'm sorry I don't have too much to add, but extremely well done on both pieces.
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#15
Quote by guitardan76
dude where have you been? I haven't seen you post anything on here lately.. at least not as consistently as you used to.

check mine out if you get the time:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524970


I don't post as many pieces as I used to, mostly because I'm really busy that I lack the time to write.

I've definately progressed since the Madam, I'm Adam and Chelsea days (You loved me back then, right?) but I'd like to think I'm keeping the strength I had in terms of personal-connections. I'm not 13 anymore though, and so I don't feel like I should be writing such lovey-dovey lyrics... My tastes have changed a lot.

That's not to say I don't write them anymore, but I don't post them typically.

I'm going to try to get at least one more(hopefully two) piece out before the end of the month, so look out for that. If you could remember my name for WotM too, I'd like to be nominated. ;-) I've been nominated once, and that was a long, long time ago.

Thanks for reading, I'll get to yours soon.
#16
Hmm. I liked the "And we could fly!" line, but it's kind of like... I dunno, it doesn't really fit into the "flow," I guess, of the other lines in that stanza. Maybe you could add something to it, not necessarily taking it out of the song, but rather giving it a little tweak-tweak.

But anyway. I absolutely loved the first stanza, and the last line. Do not do a thing to either of them, because they are perfect.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#18
I like it all in general. The idea is a pretty sweet one it just makes me think happy times, but sometimes even a hint of a sad time. The whole song is good all in all but some lines as people above have said are over-used and cliche, once you take those out and edit them a bit with better metaphors and lines, I feel you might have a great work of lyrical art here. The flow is nice as is though I thought
Quote by dann_blood
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#19
Quote by NoSoupForDeath
I like it all in general. The idea is a pretty sweet one it just makes me think happy times, but sometimes even a hint of a sad time. The whole song is good all in all but some lines as people above have said are over-used and cliche, once you take those out and edit them a bit with better metaphors and lines, I feel you might have a great work of lyrical art here. The flow is nice as is though I thought


I will not add in another metaphor. That would just be stupid in such a short piece.

I'm not changing the "Fly" line, and I'm looking at the first lines of the refrains and the shivers down my spine one.

Thank you to everyone for the kind comments/critiques.
#20
I understand why you wouldn't change them, but like i said it was just my opinion, I tend to over-edit sometimes though.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#21
Quote by NoSoupForDeath
I understand why you wouldn't change them, but like i said it was just my opinion, I tend to over-edit sometimes though.


I'm sorry if that post came off as harsh, I'm really tired tonight.

Thank you for your comments though, I do appreciate them, I just don't think any lines are OVERLY cliche, nor do I think changing them to a new metaphor will help...

Once again, thank you though. The negative comments are my favorite.