#1
i posted most of this song a while ago, but since i keep changing the lyrics i thought it would be easier to just make a new topic rather than bumping the old thread. sorry if that's against the rules. crit for crit.

----------------------

a dirty mirror,
now shards on the floor.
nobody can hear her,
can see to her core.
"once upon a time,
there were pictures on this shelf.
my past has been forgotten,"
she cries to herself.

she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and alone.
she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and has no place to call 'home.'

and as the sun sets,
a dirge for life is played.
a drought of River Lethe
leaves a sober look at fate.
fallen by the sunrise
with a note left to explain:
"without my hollow presence,
the world will be the same."
#2
a dirty mirror,
now shards on the floor.
nobody can hear her,
can see to her core.
"once upon a time,
there were pictures on this shelf.
my past has been forgotten,"
she cries to herself.

she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and alone.
she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and has no place to call 'home.'
nice and simple, but i dont like the last line with the home part.

and as the sun sets,
a dirge for life is played.
a drought of River Lethe
leaves a sober look at fate.
fallen by the sunrise
with a note left to explain:
"without my hollow presence,
the world will be the same."


very good. main suggestion is to add more to it, and mabe repeat the whole 'shes broken' and make that the chorus.

crit 'upon the unknown'
#4
I like both the verses, but I acutally kinda hate the chorus.. It ruins the whole.. In the chorus you should set things in perspective.. It seems to easy getting away with that chorus..

But that's the only bad thing, your rhymes and stories in the verses are extremely good!
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


Quote by pinheadslts75
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:stickpoke
#5
Not a fan of the rhyming, most of it seems pretty forced. What river are you referencing, because I've never heard of it?

The last line in the chorus is awful, a forced rhyme, and it doesn't even flow with the chorus!

Meh, this entire thing needs some re-working. It's not terrible, but the flow needs some touching up and I think the chorus needs to be re-written completely.
#6
a dirty mirror, I like the use of a mirror as imagery
now shards on the floor.
nobody can hear her, I would use no one here instead of nobody
can see to her core.
"once upon a time,
there were pictures on this shelf.
my past has been forgotten,"
she cries to herself.

she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and alone.
she's broken.
she's broken.
she's broken and has no place to call 'home.'

and as the sun sets,
a dirge for life is played.
a drought of River Lethe
leaves a sober look at fate.
fallen by the sunrise
with a note left to explain:
"without my hollow presence,
the world will be the same." I like this idea, most poems and songs that I see written about death or suicide have a sort of superman complex to them and are very pretentious in this way, but this feels much more real to me, beautiful ending. This seems reminiscent of Rimbaud in some ways, although I cannot put my finger on a particular verse.

Crit mine if you like.
#7
Thanks for the crits, everyone. i agree with everyone about the chorus or middle part, i pretty much hate it. it's there until i think of something better.

retribution: Lethe

allalong: thank you for pretty much understanding what i was going for; that there was no glorification in the way in which she died...she just died. i'm not familiar with Rimbaud's poetry, but i will take this as a compliment.