#1
Crit 4 crit! ''dipsomaniac'' is just a temporarily name for the song

Dipsomaniac

Verse:
It’s hanging out of my throat
Just to trash my guts on the road
It’s freezing my skin to my bones

My soul seems invisible
Like you, you’re unstoppable
Like sorrow taking over my throne

I’m choked; choked in the lies that you told
That you told when I needed you the most
It’s blinding, but I can’t see the sun

And so I run, I run with hell on my back
Feeling betrayed by the fact
That you’ve ruined the good things I’ve done

Chorus:
And me, finding the way
Through my mind of nothing but ache
Black holes in the empty space
And all the minds are nothing but haze
Did you see the stylish kids in the riot?


Quote by pinheadslts75
I hate AVA. They sound like U2 and Rush getting beat up by Panic at the Fall Out Boy.


:stickpoke
#2
Quote by SpringingOff
Crit 4 crit! ''dipsomaniac'' is just a temporarily name for the song

Dipsomaniac

Verse:
It’s hanging out of my throat
Just to trash my guts on the road
It’s freezing my skin to my bones

"It's" is a very ambiguous way to start a piece... What is? You never clarify and it makes this entire stanza really bland, boring, and cliche. I've heard all of this a thousand times before. Give "it's" a persona.

My soul seems invisible
Like you, you’re unstoppable
Like sorrow taking over my throne

I don't know if you were trying to rhyme or what, but these similes make absolutely no sense.

I’m choked; choked in the lies that you told
That you told when I needed you the most
It’s blinding, but I can’t see the sun

Blah, boring. Choked, huh? The first two lines are boring, whiny shit I've heard a million times. The last line makes no sense, because if you're blinded then you SHOULDNT be able to see the sun, so the 'but' isn't necessary at all.

And so I run, I run with hell on my back
Feeling betrayed by the fact
That you’ve ruined the good things I’ve done

Ugh, that rhyme is awful. It's almost like a really cheesy rap song. I don't like this. It's just ranty.

Chorus:
And me, finding the way
Through my mind of nothing but ache
Black holes in the empty space
And all the minds are nothing but haze

Forced rhyming kills this, and it's still just boring teenage ranting. There's nothing special about this at all.


Sorry, but I'm not a fan of this at all. Work on forumulating more original ideas, and try to be a little more specific. Give me some imagery and metaphors or at least some sort of personal connection the reader can identify with.

If you could read either "Bayonets" in my sig or "We Are A Constellation" on the front page, I'd appreciate it.