#1
Ok, I got a few lines down, but I'm kind of stuck at this point. It is a rock song, I just cant seem to get it to flow!

That look, That touch!
Could it be too much?
That place, That taste!
I long for so much more,
Just help me settle the score.

--Chorus--

To affraid to touch,
To affraid to ask,
Intimidations breaking my ass!
I have but one... thing to ask,
Do you even notice me?

--Verse--

Why can't I explain,
The What-ifs in my brain.
What if we never were?
What if you kicked me to the curb?
What if you dont love me?


That is all I have so far, I cant think of were to go from here. The chorus is a little weak, but I tried not to force the rhyme.
Crit for Crit
Last edited by Mexp16 at Feb 11, 2007,
#2
ok, the last line i would add 'anymore; or finish it up, thats just me. i would probly use the last verse as the very last verse of the whole complete song, giving u room to expand on the chorus more. but thats just me.hard to give u suggestions, cuz im not u, and i dont kno wat kind of song ur aiming for, yea i kno the genre, but that helps only a little.mabe u could have a verse where it says that u tried to touch/ask and u wernt able to or somthing bad happen. idk, sorry im not much help

crit upon the unknown if u could
#3
I get what you're saying, I need to find more to put in the chorus. The song is in the apsect of I wanted to ask this girl out, I chickened out, and now I am left with the what ifs. Our we are going out, ready to get married, and I start to have the what ifs. Thanks for the help!
#4
Quote by Mexp16
Ok, I got a few lines down, but I'm kind of stuck at this point. It is a rock song, I just cant seem to get it to flow!

That look, That touch!
Could it be too much? Catchy start
That place, That taste!
I long for so much more,
Just help me settle the score. Didnt really understand this line..

--Chorus--

To affraid to touch, lol misspelled afraid
To affraid to ask,
Intimidations breaking my ass!
I have but one... thing to ask, didnt like the ask-ass-ask rhyme
Do you even notice me?

--Verse--

Why can't I explain,
The What-ifs in my brain.
What if we never were?
What if you kicked me to the curb?
What if you dont love me? anymore is my suggestion here, it would end it off.


That is all I have so far, I cant think of were to go from here. The chorus is a little weak, but I tried not to force the rhyme.
Crit for Crit


You could expand more on who or what youre actually talking about, maybe giving some story to it rather than just saying what happened. Expand on the chorus, as said before by a previous poster. Overall 7/10 ( Good potential)

Mind Criting my New One? War of The Gods
#5
"anymore" is a sure add to the end of... the end...
from there, i like it...
i like the idea of a "what now? what next?" kind of song...
as soon as you get more done.. i'd love to hear what other "what-ifs" goes thru this guy's brain...