#1
Experimental. Take it for what you want.

Sun Bears Pre-Quills [Spine 3 of 9]
What if the spindles and threads that
Made up our dove-print pillows and stain-glass beds [Sorry]
Didn’t stop each time they finished sewing a contemporary beauty. [But]
String me up with braids and web and your arms—
Well then, we might sit next to each other perpetually rocking, [Do]
If we’re quiet then the willows and robins won’t glimpse us—
Well then, String me up before I fall this far and melt into the carpet,
String me up with legs and your neck and your arms—
What if the spindles and threads that [know]
Make up our crow-print pillows and stain-glass beds [you?]
Didn’t stop each time they finished sewing a contemporary us. [Do]
String me up with your gasp and your chest and your arms—
Well then, we might just figure out that we need each other
To keep our bodies shivering and to keep our clothes so innocently pretty. [Really?]
Last edited by #1 synth at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
It's interesting. I really like it. Sorry I can't think of more to say. Being female is a curse, sometimes.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#3
I thought this was a very solid piece. Of course, I expect nothing less from you. Anyways, I like the theme and the language you used. My favorite phrase was "sewing a contemporary beauty", but nonetheless the entire piece was beautiful. The only complaint I have is with the words in brackets. I feel that they really don't add anything and they kind of dirsrupt the flow. But that's just my opinion. Anyways, I'm really looking forward to reading more from you. Great job and keep it up, man.

Crit mine please
The Ankh's Majesty
#4
Interesting piece synth. I love your vocabularly, and flow is as usual rather above-average.

You owe me from last time. You owe me at least one, and I want it on the one I've got in my sig atm synth, I'd really value your input, I'm trying to grow as a writer and every time I take the time to go through yours line by line I rarely get anything back, and I put the effort into critting yours because I'm hoping you will in return.
#6
I really liked this. Except for the use of "beauty" as a noun. That sort of annoyed me. The brackets are sort of annoying, as well, and really distract from the piece. I had to read this a few times, because they kept messing me up and confusing me. They seem like, if used in a way that is beneficial to the piece, they could be something unique and really cool, but here are just annoying. I'm sure they are important to the piece, but don't really seem to add anything in my opinion. Still a great piece.



Oh and if you find the time could you crit my piece "Parachute." It is really lacking, and I want to know how to improve it, because it is one of the few decent ideas I've had for a while.
here's the link (if you are going to crit) https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524299
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 13, 2007,
#8
Im not in the right state of mind to understand the main body of text here, but i relaly enjoyed the outside bits, the sorry but do i know you thing, is great!

could you crit mine and ill get back to you on this one??
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=522183

thnx!
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#9
this was interesting, I like how the reader is forced to read the "I'm sorry but do I know you.." bit before reading the poem, only to begin reading the poem and find out that the [Sorry] etc. bits are not part of the lines they sit on.

Your diction was good throughout the piece, a couple of places were awkwardly read here and there but overall I thought this was pretty well written. I liked the title too.
#10
Make up our crow-print pillows and stain-glass beds [you?]
Didn’t stop each time they finished sewing a contemporary us. [Do]

I think this thought could be portrayed better. For one the 2nd line has way more syllables than the 1st, which may not bother most people, but it just ruins flow for me. Two, it just sticks out as a bit more cryptic than the rest of the piece. Other than that though, quality writing. I think you're the best new person I've read so far.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!