#1
An apple fell from the highest
branch
and exploded upon hitting the ground.
At the sound,
ants leapt from their leaves
and hit the sea
of all-natural juice, grass and weeds.
Those who survived --
gratified and sunny --
suddenly
forgot those unfortunates.
The leaves
not so weighted down
seemed to float around,
but envied the ground and
thinking,
"We all came together,
we all leaf together,"
jumped.
The motion pulled off branches,
seeds, and flowers
with a simultaneous crack.

The trunk feeling excess rays
and rain
warned the roots
to expect closer company.
But they weren't listening
because the seeds were planted
with all-natural well water, fungi, and yeast,
and you can't turn to roots born diseased.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
Hmm, this is going to be a short crit for now, because I haven't slept none and I don't want to have to think.. but, I really, really loved the whole first stanza, in general. The ideas, rhymes, etcs, it was all enjoyable. I'll be sure to nitpick a bit after I sleep some.

I don't know if I feel the same way about the second stanza, though. I liked how this ended, but for some reason I felt the ending was a bit weaker than the whole first stanza, though it does tie it together well.

I dunno. I'll try saying something better tonight.
#3
I'll agree with Final, the first verse had a great flow, it felt arrhythmic, which is a nice contrast to any kind of flow out there. The lyrics were great, they took a common theme and put it in a new way. The second verse, however, didn't flow as uniquely, it was alright, but definitely paled in comparison to the first, but not horrible by itself.

C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8233660#post8233660
#4
hmm i wasn't big on the last verses use of fungi, and yeast, however whe ni see the yeast sieased kind of thing you had i liked it. again i liked the first stanza, but i didn't like how you used leaf instead of leave/leaves. I felt that was lame.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
thanks everyone. i agree that i liked the first stanza a lot better and i wasn't sure what i disliked about the second or how to fix it. i'm still unsure.

whatever, thanks again i'll get back to all of them.
#6
*Bump for Corey*

I dig the excessive rhyme in the 1st stanza, and **** that guy up there, I laughed at that leaf thing.
The last line is strong, just the few preceding ones that need some work, I'm not even saying they have to be catchy like the 1st stanza, because it's good to have some contrast, just better organization of the thought.
Agghh skeet, skeet, crit me, skeet, skeet!
#7
I really enjoyed the leaf lines, I laughed twice. I enjoyed the awkward flow and structuring, and I loved the ending.

Your style has evolved into something entirely different from what I remember of you, yet has a similar quality if not better because of the overall content.