#1
i slept in this morning. i skipped math because we were watching a movie that i didn't really feel like watching. but eventually, i woke up and got ready for school. i stepped outside and there were explosions in the sky. i can't explain how or why, but they poured over everything and it all became beautiful. the snow was whiter, the sun was brighter, and even the mud had a hint of green that it never had before. i found beauty in the smallest things, like the sight of my breath in the air. and i smiled - genuinely smiled, for the first time in forever, because i realized that when this coma wears off, this is what my first breath will be like; when i inhale, everything will become beautiful.

I just want to sleep forever.


#2
absolutely beautiful~ i really felt like i was there with u breathin. indescribable
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#3
Quote by Grovermans
i slept in this morning. i skipped math because we were watching a movie that i didn't really feel like watching. but eventually, i woke up and got ready for school. i stepped outside and there were explosions in the sky. i can't explain how or why, but they poured over everything and it all became beautiful. the snow was whiter, the sun was brighter, and even the mud had a hint of green that it never had before. i found beauty in the smallest things, like the sight of my breath in the air. and i smiled - genuinely smiled, for the first time in forever, because i realized that when this coma wears off, this is what my first breath will be like; when i inhale, everything will become beautiful.


Ok, where is the structure?
All but the first three lines sounds as if you've just typed them straight into your post, try structuring it so you can read it easily, and so you make your point.

I do quite like the last three lines, and the way they're written, if you could make the rest of the song follow them a bit more it would improve it a lot.
#4
hey!

that title!

Its a band!

And theyre from austin.


Yall should listen to them.
Originally posted by Knife2aGunFight
We're all different, we have different tastes. People hate people that are different, these people are racist. Racist against the scene. Scensist.....Sceneracist,........ Rascenesist.
#6
its alright kylie
the end is very great, but the rest of piece just kinda drags until then, IMHO.
#7
Quote by Emery17
hey!

that title!

Its a band!

And theyre from austin.


Yall should listen to them.
uh. it's kind of a reference to them.

but thanks everyone.

this is really just meant to explain
the exact way i felt this morning.
i loved the feeling so much that
i felt that i had to write about it.

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
Were you listening to first breath after coma when you wrote this?

Very good though
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z
#16
Quote by snowblind190
I say you should stop smoking the weed dude.

......lol........... not funny........
MMMM Feel the Fuzz.........zz....z