#1
This is a peice i wrote today, it's gonna be kinda mellow with a southern rock sound to it, so please crit! but also if anyone can tell me how to make my titles bold lettered then i'd appreciate that too!


There is no where to turn,
when you give up on breathing,
there is no lie that makes this alright,
and those words that you sought out,
don't come out so right,
there is no one turn to now,

I'd give it some time,
to mellow out,
i'd give it some time,
to change my ways,
i'd give it some time,
to make things better,
i don't want to go out this way,

the top of the mountains,
even look like they're down,
with their peak in the air,
and their base on the ground,
it reminds me of winter and the nights i once spent,
then i took a forty-five out and went,

I'd give it some time,
to mellow out,
i'd give it some time,
to change my ways,
i'd give it some time,
to make things better,
i don't want to go out this way,

the nights are so long and lonely now,
and there's no one to hold onto,
i think i lost my crown,
i once was the king of my life,
but now the thorn in my side,
when i try to do good,
i just walk away,
singing,

I'd give it some time,
to mellow out,
i'd give it some time,
to change my ways,
i'd give it some time,
to make things better,
i don't want to go out this way,
Last edited by lambofgodfold at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
the top of the mountains,
even look like they're down,
with their peak in the air,
and their base on the ground,
it reminds me of winter and the nights i once spent,
then i took that forty-five out and went,

last line feels a bit incompelete

i will try later in night to give u a full crit
Hi
#3
Quote by lambofgodfold


There is no where to turn,
when you give up on breathing,

Hmmmmm actually pretty good start.

there is no lie that makes this alright,
This line sounds kind of awkward.
and those words that you sought out,
don't come out so right,
there is no one turn to now,

I don't really like the rhyme of alright/right.

I'd give it some time,
to mellow out,
i'd give it some time,
to change my ways,
i'd give it some time,
to make things better,
i don't want to go out this way,

This flows pretty well actually. Pretty poppy really.

the top of the mountains,
even look like they're down,
with their peak in the air,
and their base on the ground,
it reminds me of winter and the nights i once spent,
then i took a forty-five out and went,

the last line isn't that good, but other than that this was really good stanza, and has good flow.

I'd give it some time,
to mellow out,
i'd give it some time,
to change my ways,
i'd give it some time,
to make things better,
i don't want to go out this way,

the nights are so long and lonely now,
and there's no one to hold onto,
i think i lost my crown,
i once was the king of my life,
but now the thorn in my side,
when i try to do good,
i just walk away,
singing,

This wasn't that good. The flow broke down after the first line.

I'd give it some time,
to mellow out,
i'd give it some time,
to change my ways,
i'd give it some time,
to make things better,
i don't want to go out this way,


Prett good song. I got a good flow from the chorus and second verse. the rest had awkward flow. Good nonetheless and I'm sure you make it work in your song.

thanks for the crit on mine.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.