#1
This is really my first attempt at songwriting, so don't diss it too badly... although I would love input from everyone at UG. I'm not new to the site, but I'm new to the forums, so I'll say "hey" so everyone now I guess.


A mere blot on the perfect blue sky
High overhead; it's you
Slowly descending toward Earth
In that overwhelming blue

I see your wings as you drift closer
As an angel; it's you
You're coming down for me
In that overwhelming blue

The sky is vast
No end to the blue
Yet nothing can surpass
My overwhelming love for you

Although the sun has begun to set
And the day is nearly done
As you land into my arms
I know our love has just begun
#2
This is really my first attempt at songwriting, so don't diss it too badly... although I would love input from everyone at UG. I'm not new to the site, but I'm new to the forums, so I'll say "hey" so everyone now I guess.


A mere blot on the perfect blue sky
High overhead; it's you
Slowly descending toward Earth
In that overwhelming blue

I see your wings as you drift closer
As an angel; it's you
You're coming down for me
In that overwhelming blue



good i liked them


The sky is vast
No end to the blue
Yet nothing can surpass
My overwhelming love for you

Although the sun has begun to set
And the day is nearly done
As you land into my arms
I know our love has just begun

last 2 didnt had the same impact as the above 2 . flow hampered a bit



but for first attempt the piece was really good . nice description of angel landing on earth
Hi
#3
What do you suggest I do to change up the last 2 stanzas?

Edit: Oh and thank you for the crit.
#4
its ur song u know what u want frm it. i am just giving my amature opinion on it.i have tried to writtern after 2 stanza they are not good as i am bit sleepy . maybe read the tips thread it will help you alot in the near future


Sky is vast filled with blue
stuck on mind yeah its you
sun is near , stars are far
i see my love ,where you are
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Feb 12, 2007,
#5
I enjoyed this. Your topic of choice could have easily come across as tremendously cliche, but you seem to overcome this to some extent.

If I have to take issue with anything, it would have to be occasionally clunky rhymes and/or mismatched rhythm. I can't say for certain - it is, after all, your song; it may be a simple failure on my part to understand the actual structure within the song itself - but it seems to me that certain parts are off-base to some extent. For instance, removing "overwhelming" from stanza 3, would remove both redundancy and awkwardness.

At any rate, thanks for the crit and I hope this helps.
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#6
Thanks for the crit, I'll keep it in mind it I decide to go further with it. I'll see if I can put music to it as it is now, then if the "occasionally clunky rhymes" hinder anything I'll go back and mess around with it. I'd also like hearing anyone else's feedback as well!
#8
"As you land into my arms
I know our love has just begun"

this is part is good by itself but i dont think it fits the piece properly, you should try and redo the last stanza, i really did like it but it just doesnt fit too well

for being a very cliche topic you pulled it off pretty well (which i cant do so kudos to you)

keep up the good work!
.:AzzA:.

crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=522183
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Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

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You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.