#1
C4C

I don't know about the title. I don't really have a good one.
Another mediocre piece. Hopefully you will consider it better than the last one.
Here you go.

Parachute.

Eyelashes intertwined
become sentinels
to ivy appendages,
creeping over
alabaster stairways.
Slithering around
corroding handrails.
Crawling through
looking-glass keyholes.

Unfolded as cherry buds,
we reach towards distilled sunlight,
filtered from crushed diamonds.
Construct ivory wings
and glide across the high rise.
We are gargoyles upon concrete ledges,
peering down at cars driving past,

and yet I will tiptoe across piano strings.
Suspended twenty stories up.
I told you that I wanted to be there
when the hands of the clock
burn out, because even stargazers
get bored, sometimes.

What I really meant, though,
was that these vacant arms
wished for you to fill their need.

"I'm one-hundred percent sure of it this time."

Together, we drift, through clothing lines and
rippled linen, flutter to the busy street,
as cherry blossoms.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 12, 2007,
#2
hmm i dunno, i'm fairly indifferent to this peace. I didn't feel anything strong at all. I do feel it got better as it progressed, the last two stanzas or i guess three stanzas because of that one liner i liked. I woudl have liked it as just brun out instead of burnt out.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
i think your trying to hard to be clever, some people just tell a story exactly how it is but poetry should use imagery etc to make people think and make them say oh thats a wonderful metaphor etc but you went over board with it, its a chore trying to read what you wrote make it a bit simpler
#4
Quote by furtherfan21
hmm i dunno, i'm fairly indifferent to this peace. I didn't feel anything strong at all. I do feel it got better as it progressed, the last two stanzas or i guess three stanzas because of that one liner i liked. I woudl have liked it as just brun out instead of burnt out.


In truth. I'm sort of indifferent to this as well, and I agree "burnt" should be "burn." This needs work, and maybe when I actually feel something strong I'll rewrite the end.


Quote by achtung baby
i think your trying to hard to be clever, some people just tell a story exactly how it is but poetry should use imagery etc to make people think and make them say oh thats a wonderful metaphor etc but you went over board with it, its a chore trying to read what you wrote make it a bit simpler


I don't want to make it simpler, because this is how I wanted to write it. I love metaphors and similes. I'm not trying to be clever, just write how I like to write and not be boring. Maybe I did go overboard and made it boring though. This isn't set in stone though, so I will probably go back through and re-write some parts.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#5
Wow, i really liked this peice cause it just had a different feel to it that i wouldn't mind writting like, i think the intro was strong and perfect i mean it reminds me of chris cornell's lyrics especially the ones with audioslave! but i really liked this peice man and don't let everyone try to get you down cause it's a real good peice and with the right melody and music to back it up i'm sure they'll change their mind! ohh and the title's perfect i mean it's simple and drew me into to read and would of listened to!
#6
Eyelashes intertwined
become sentinels
to ivy appendages,
creeping over
alabaster stairways.
Slithering around
corroding handrails.
Crawling through
looking-glass keyholes.

I didn't care to much for the last line, but I really liked the lines before them.

Unfolded as cherry buds,
we reach towards distilled sunlight,
filtered from crushed diamonds.
Construct ivory wings
and glide across the high rise.
We are gargoyles upon concrete ledges,
peering down at cars driving past,

I liked this stanza, I have no problems with it.

and yet I will tiptoe across piano strings.
Suspended twenty stories up.
I told you that I wanted to be there
when the hands of the clock
burn out, because even stargazers
get bored, sometimes.

This is my favorite stanza out of the piece.

What I really meant, though,
was that these vacant arms
wished for you to fill their need.

This was okay, I don't have any problems with it.

"I'm one-hundred percent sure of it this time."

Together, we drift, through clothing lines and
rippled linen, flutter to the busy street,
as cherry blossoms.

Nice ending.

From the imagery I picture being on top of a building, or a really high structure, and I think the last stanza is about jumping, kinda like a lovers leap, or at least that makes sense to me. Anyway I really like the imagery, and as a whole I thought this was pretty good.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 12, 2007,
#7
^ Yeah. I meant it to take place on a tall building, and I was thinking more like accidentally falling off rather than leaping.

Thanks everyone

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#8
jeez james. that totally kicked mines ass. ouch.
thanks for pointing it out too asshole :]. ( yeah thats jk.)
but i dont really see anything wrong at all cause im not great and spectacular and i think its wonderful, like everything else you write .