#1
This is the pit so i guess its safe to post this hear and it really isn't unrelated to music so.


The link is in my siggy.

To leave a review you can make it anonymos and jus go to the bottom of the page and look at the left side, just submit a review and comment! Or jus comment me directly on this page. Criticism within reason is loved!!
#5
not bad, ending was retarded though. its a shitty cliffhanger. a cops not gonna point a gun at you unless your doing something threatening at the moment.
Quote by eggo_boi_15
Arnt the first few things anyone learns on a guitar is

1. Nirvana - smells like teen spirit
2. Prince - Smoke on the water
3. White stripes - seven nation army


Quote by #1 synth
i figure as long as its not a puppy it's fair game for my penis.
#7
Try the songwriting and lyrics forum, they're the fancy literature types.
<Han> I love Hitler
#8
Thanks so much for the good review guys, dont worry the second chapter i'm uploading is going to answer your question s0c13!! Also you too porchmonkey, please keep reading!


Edit: Aim me if you have a good idea or want to beta read and edit. Esaielite ---> my aim
#11
"We are currently experiencing heavier than expected traffic and are unable to fulfill your request at this time. Please come back later. Thank you."

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#13
Quote by Hitting Bottom
This is the pit so i guess its safe



I fucking cracked up
This one time I went to fuck my girlfriend, but I forgot it was April Fool's day. Well, I stuck my penis in, and it turns out she had put hot sauce in her pussy. The rest of the night was pretty bad.

0.999... = 1
#15
I only got half way through, partly because I did not know what this was about. Alright so you are living with your grandma and have a secret band that you are hooked up with. But what is the overall point or idea of the story going to be. Need to set some sort of parameters to give readers a hint of what the story is about. Is it a heart break story, story about beating the odds and making it big. I have not clue what thhis is about. Your phrasing is alright and I like the knick name "the forgotten lot." Give little structure so I can create expectations of what be in the story to come, then throw little curves to throw me off a little and spice up the story. Keep it up.
#16
Quote by Hitting Bottom
caz i tried right now and i got it locked! Thanks alot! Lol just messing with you buddy, i just want to thank all of you who actually read it.

Make sure you read the rules then.
#17
Okay guys chapter two should be up, if it isn't give it about an hour. Everything is explained there in the chapter. One was more of a prologue because of my limited time (damn sing meeting).

Musketeer and caz

Thank you guys, keep reading!!


Edit: I totally understand why everyone is asking whats so important about me sticking in my Grandma is good at video games, in about the near end of the story, it becomes an important factor, so stop asking that same quiestion!!
Last edited by Hitting Bottom at Feb 14, 2007,
#19
More active voice, rather than passive. "While stacking amps" is more enticing than "I was stacking some amps".

Don't say the same word twice in one sentence. "To my surprise, she knew the timing surprisingly well". The surprisingly can be done without.

You're dating yourself with the Panic song. It's not a bad thing, but if this is ever read years from now, the readers will know where the author was in life when the story was written.

The story doesn't really pick up until very far into it. Condense.

Also, it's not technically a story. To be a 'story', in the true sense of the word, there has to be a conflict which the main character has to resolve. Your story is relatively conflict free, and the small dilemmas, such as a soaked shirt, are not essential to the plot. This is a long sequence of events that happen within the same plane. There is no escalation of plot, noclimax, and no resolution. Not all elements of plot and story have to be revealed the same way as other writers do (i.e. writing style), and do not have to be as apparent, but they have to exist.

A guy goes into the office and tells about a bunch of stuff that happened this weekend. He's boring and no one cares. He talks about how the garage door slammed down on the hood of his restored '69 Charger, and had to tear out the garage door to get his demolished hotrod loose, then people will listen. It's exciting. There is a reason to listen: find out what happens.

The end is not justified, nor is it justifiable without further explanation. Twists must be plot related if you're going to throw them into a story.
#21
Ahh, so there's a 2nd chapter. Well then, that changes everything. I thought that was all of it. Guess not.
#23
grandma good at games = grandmas boy?

btw i read some of your story and it was good