#1
Natural Similarity

Our flames rage forward.

With a previously harbored fervor,
our paths distressingly fork before us.
We digressingly recede
among the ranks of the patronage,
a masquerade of support.

Our flames rage forward.

With a newly released fervor,
the thin air thickens.
The road to the left,
though concealed by a mist,
will lead our paths into certain collision.

Our flame rages onward now.

With a confound expression,
we discover eachother.
The insinuation of a greater cause
keeps the wicker weaving patterns,
an art form found in conversation.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Feb 13, 2007,
#2
Our flames rage forward.

This lines works, I can't think of anything better to replace it with, I don't really like the use of flames for what I think it's supposed to mean, but that's just my opinion.

With a previously harbored fervor,
our paths distressingly fork before us.
We digressingly recede
among the ranks of the patronage,
a masquerade of support.

I liked this, but I probably bent the meaning to make it more relatable for me

Our flames rage forward.

With a newly released fervor,
the thin air thickens.
The road to the left,
though concealed by a mist,
will lead our paths into certain collision.

I liked this, but not as much as the last stanza.

Our flame rages onward now.

With a confound expression,
we discover eachother.
The insinuation of a greater cause
keeps the wicker weaving patterns,
an art form found in a conversation.

I really liked this one to.

I thought this was good, but as I said before I probably distorted the meaning, or maybe I got the meaning you were going for. If you could crit my latest "Memories in Real Time" the links in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 13, 2007,
#5
Really phat, bro. Love the romantic imagery, and the flame refrains, quite dope. Little confusing as I said, especially the ends of the first and third stanzas, but that's kind of a positive here.
#6
Our flames rage forward.

-liked that part

With a previously harbored fervor,
our paths distressingly fork before us.
We digressingly recede
among the ranks of the patronage,
a masquerade of support.

-this part was amazing but I didnt understand the masquerade of support part. is it like a support of hidden people or support hiding you?

Our flames rage forward.

-again. good.

With a newly released fervor,
the thin air thickens.
The road to the left,
though concealed by a mist,
will lead our paths into certain collision.

-i like this part. it seems like a foreshadowing of a meeting of two people. unbeknown to them because of the 'concealed by mist' part.

Our flame rages onward now.

-good. a little change. it makes sense.

With a confound expression,
we discover eachother.
The insinuation of a greater cause
keeps the wicker weaving patterns,
an art form found in a conversation.

-i didnt really understand this part. but it was well written.


overall good.


crit mine? look for the title 'Nothing But'.
#7
thanks evan.

jdotp - masquerade of support is hard to explain. its basically like a false sense of support, when really there is little or no support at all from the people we need it from most.