#1
Hey guys here's a song that I finished writing a couple of days ago. It's the first song I've written in a long time because I have an audition for a new band and I feel like having some lyrics to show them might help me somewhat. I kinda imagine it with a Foo Fighters/ RHCP-esque kinda riff to go with it.

Anywho I'd appreciate and feedback you guys have, good or bad.

Here it is:

Everywhere But Home

Take a look back at the things you have done
You only see things in white and black
All the time you took one step forward
But at the same time took two steps back

You see all these problems
And you know that in time
Everything that comes from them
Will bring you closer to the line

You wake up somewhere different every day
Look around and see that nothing has gone your way
And all the thoughts in your mind get thrown
You realise that you’ve been everywhere but home

Can’t you see that you’re throwing your life away
Just for the sake of the fame
No one is listening to a word that you say
And they’ve all got you playing their games

You find yourself on a desolate street
Another lonely walk without a friendly face
Nowhere to go, no one to meet
Everyone’s vanished without a trace

You wake up somewhere different every day
Look around and see that nothing has gone your way
And all the thoughts in your mind get thrown
You realise that you’ve been everywhere but home
#2
There's definitely some positive messaging there. Just make sure to work on your syllable count.

Area's like...

"All the time you took one step forward
But at the same time took two steps back."

The second line has more stressed syllables, than the first. Also, "but at the same time" kind of sounds drawn out. Maybe fix the wording around.

The second paragraph has an "AABB" scheme, but the two sets are at different syllable counts. Possibly switch that around too.


This is just my opinion though.
#4
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Hey guys here's a song that I finished writing a couple of days ago. It's the first song I've written in a long time because I have an audition for a new band and I feel like having some lyrics to show them might help me somewhat. I kinda imagine it with a Foo Fighters/ RHCP-esque kinda riff to go with it.

Anywho I'd appreciate and feedback you guys have, good or bad.

Here it is:

Everywhere But Home

Take a look back at the things you have done
You only see things in white and black
All the time you took one step forward
But at the same time took two steps back

this is such a quality intro, i like it... the only thing i would change is the same thing the other guy said

You see all these problems
And you know that in time
Everything that comes from them
Will bring you closer to the line

i like the imagery this builds in my head... about someone struggling and coming closer and closer to the edge

You wake up somewhere different every day
Look around and see that nothing has gone your way
And all the thoughts in your mind get thrown
You realise that you’ve been everywhere but home

this is my favorite, its a GREAT chorus. It's the part that i can relate to most and the change in rhyme scheme doesn't really bother me and i don't think the casual listener will really notice anyway

Can’t you see that you’re throwing your life away
Just for the sake of the fame
No one is listening to a word that you say
And they’ve all got you playing their games

i think this is the weakest of all the stanzas but i still like it. I just don't really like the fame-game rhyme.. i mean it gets your point across but it just kind of annoys me

You find yourself on a desolate street
Another lonely walk without a friendly face
Nowhere to go, no one to meet
Everyone’s vanished without a trace

again i don't really like the rhyme of the 2nd and 4th lines but it still is a quality stanza because it paints a picture that i can definitely relate to

You wake up somewhere different every day
Look around and see that nothing has gone your way
And all the thoughts in your mind get thrown
You realise that you’ve been everywhere but home


Overall I loved this... I would be glad to take you into my band if you were auditioning for me.
don't waste this song.. get some good music behind it and it will rule.


tell me what you think of mine if you have the time
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=524970
#6
i really like it, it makes you think. a real song makes you think while you listen(read) it! what did you write it about? i feel its something to do with a dependancy on something whether it drink or drugs, it makes me feel a good sadness inside!

check mine out! its about drugs and the fight to come off them. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=525734

stay metal
metal_ore
#7
good song dude. hey how do i get a signature like yours? you know like how at the bottom of your posts it has a link to this thread? please pm me or sumthin.
#9
Quote by TobyFellrunners
Hey guys here's a song that I finished writing a couple of days ago. It's the first song I've written in a long time because I have an audition for a new band and I feel like having some lyrics to show them might help me somewhat. I kinda imagine it with a Foo Fighters/ RHCP-esque kinda riff to go with it.

Anywho I'd appreciate and feedback you guys have, good or bad.

Here it is:

Everywhere But Home

Take a look back at the things you have done
You only see things in white and black
All the time you took one step forward
But at the same time took two steps back
Like the first line alot. It sought of sets the scene in a way. You can tell from this verse that the song is very accusitory.

You see all these problems
And you know that in time
Everything that comes from them
Will bring you closer to the line
The third line flows on nicely from the second line. On the last line which syllables would be stressed? I can't help but stress bring and to. The verse as a whole gives me the feeling that the "you" knows full well what they are doing wrong but chooses to ignore the fact.

You wake up somewhere different every day
Look around and see that nothing has gone your way
And all the thoughts in your mind get thrown
You realise that you’ve been everywhere but home
Like the fact that is as if you know everything about the person so you must have once been close, but something must have happened and now you have moved on as they stay a mindless, reckless person. The repeting of you to start the first and forth line is very appealing to me. I personally would change the "all the thoughts" to "as the thoughts"

Can’t you see that you’re throwing your life away
Just for the sake of the fame
No one is listening to a word that you say
And they’ve all got you playing their games
No one cares about them, except you, and they care not for themselves. They seem oblivious to the fact. This makes a good contrast to the last verse as no lines start with pronouns.

You find yourself on a desolate street
Another lonely walk without a friendly face
Nowhere to go, no one to meet
Everyone’s vanished without a trace
Like the imagery. Sounds like a street in their life. The last line however feels a bit short.

You wake up somewhere different every day
Look around and see that nothing has gone your way
And all the thoughts in your mind get thrown
You realise that you’ve been everywhere but home
Like the ending with the chorus. Good use of circularity. Gives the listener another chance to reflect on what you have said.



All in all a nice piece. I could hear Dave Grohl singing it in my head. lol
#10
Well I personally think this is magic. i feel as though you have the ability to reach out to someone and make them realise that someone understands them which is what i personally could only hope my upcoming music could do. Great Lyrics. People are telling you to change it. Well don't. They're you and they are amazing. Get a good melody and Chord progression and you've made magic!
#11
Thanks for reading it Livi =] I recorded a rough demo of this with my band but our singer's van was torched and the demo was in it so we're re-recording it soon. I'll post it up when it's done.

Do you have any pieces up for me to take a look at? Could you take a look at my latest piece too? I'm looking to see what people's opinions on it are. The link is in my sig it's called "To You I Bid Farewell and Goodnight (Your Lullaby)