#1
Here's something I came up with late last night. I haven't really done anything like this before. Any suggestions on how to improve it very welcome.

When it came the time to say good-bye
I promised myself I would not cry
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now

The day you left I fell apart
He tried to mend my broken heart
But the pieces they just wouldn’t fit
Because you held the missing bit

When it came the time to say good-bye
I promised myself I would not cry
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now

I see you every other week
But now we barely even speak
Could it ever be the same?
They don’t even know your name

You used to know me oh so well
Now it’s hard to for me to tell
If I’m the girl that you once knew
Have I changed because of you?

The day you left I did not cry
I could not look you in the eye
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now
#2
I was gonna say that that is pretty emo, but youre a girl so it's ok...Pretty good song for that crowd tho
#3
wow i really like this. there are a couple of things that i would change though. in the third to last stanza where the last line is "they dont even know your name" i think i would change that. because it just seems like its there to rhyme and it doesnt really have anything to do with everything else that's in that stanza. also the last time you do your chorus (ie the last stanza) i might change it up a bit, i'm not sure how, but just change it up to make it more final i guess. anyway pretty good job though. could you crit my song "Let Your Light Shine" it's in my sig. thanks
#4
I love it. And yeah the "they don't even know your name" bit is a bit out of place.
Kinda sums something goin on for me right now lol
Good job
#5
Thanks guys, I knew there was something a bit wrong with it. "I'll have a think about the they don't even know your name" bit.
#7
wow good job I really like

"The day you left I fell apart
He tried to mend my broken heart
But the pieces they just wouldn’t fit
Because you held the missing bit
..but yea I would rethink the "They don’t even know your name" I don't see how that fits in.
#8
Thanks for all your replies, I did a bit of fiddling about with it, but I don't know if i've improved it any, hey it's worth a go. Thanks again.


Crying Now (edit)


Please, just pack you bags and go
I promised you would never know
I'll change the colour of my hair
And try to act like I don't care

When it came the time to say good-bye
I promised myself I would not cry
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now

The day you left I fell apart
He tried to mend my broken heart
But the pieces they just wouldn’t fit
Because you held the missing bit

When it came the time to say good-bye
I promised myself I would not cry
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now

I see you every other week
But now we barely even speak
You were special, I loved you so
More than you could ever know

When it came the time to say good-bye
I promised myself I would not cry
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now

You used to know me oh so well
Now it’s hard to for me to tell
If I’m the girl that you once knew
Or if I’ve changed because of you

The day you left I did not cry
I could not look you in the eye
And I kept that promise
I don’t know how
But hell I know I’m crying now

But don’t you worry about me
In a way you’ve set me free
To live the life I’ve always dreamed
It’s not as bad as it once seemed

The day you left I could not cry
Four weeks have just flown on by
I kept my promise
I don’t know how
Maybe I'll stop crying now
Last edited by Emzrock56 at Feb 28, 2007,
#9
i like the idea of your song, think with a few tabs it could get a good emo song or something like this
good work
#10
I like the idea of the song, and the rhyming structure. However, it's all a little cliqued, especially this bit:

The day you left I fell apart
He tried to mend my broken heart
But the pieces they just wouldn’t fit
Because you held the missing bit

I dunno, i don't tend to like referring to the heart anyway but, that is all too much detailed. You've dedicated a whol paragraph to explain thsi broken heart using cliques, when it could have had 2 different lines that were original. But i'd give it 3/5. Please crit mine "steel cables". And oh yeah, the what I presume is the chorus, is really good. I agree slightly with retribution above,