#1
Another sort of poem I wrote...

Drift on Drift on
My beloved rose
Float on to the sea
Dance now to the sounds
Melt to the melody

I give you my light of love
In this sudden strike of grief
Now lift your legs, scurry
And place this note on my coffin
So that all can read,

On this rock I lie
As the day I was born
But this time I have found you
This time I have found you
And soon I'll be alone...
#2
Drift on Drift on
Love that as an opening to a song.
My beloved rose
Float on to the sea
Meh. Rose/sea imagery hints to more a death of a love, I don't know. Not a fan of that image.
Dance now to the sounds
Melt to the melody
Nice.

I give you my light of love
Meh. Not interesing line.
In this sudden strike of grief
Now lift your legs, scurry
And place this note on my coffin
And the rose/sea stuff seems to link up here lol/ Still think the earlier stanza could be made slightly more original though
So that all can read,
Could have more impact imo.

On this rock I lie
As the day I was born
"on this rock I was born" would go better, and save the unnecesary expansion of this idea imo
But this time I have found you
This time I have found you
And soon I'll be alone...
Meh. Ending could be far, far, far better, just ends below mediocore I think. Improve that and you have a nice little piece
#3
Quote by wooda
Another sort of poem I wrote...

Drift on Drift on
My beloved rose
Float on to the sea
Dance now to the sounds
Melt to the melody

I liked the first three lines here. In fact, I liked the last two lines aswell, I just don't think they fit together very well. Makes it feel like two diffrent poems in one stanza.

I give you my light of love
In this sudden strike of grief
Now lift your legs, scurry
And place this note on my coffin
So that all can read,

I don't really like the first line. I don't know, I guess "light of love" sounds a bit unimaginative. Otherwise, it's a good stanza.

On this rock I lie
As the day I was born
But this time I have found you
This time I have found you
And soon I'll be alone...

This stanza starts good but ends quite sudden. Maybe that's what you're aiming for, but I was waiting for something more grandiose after the two first lines. In fact, line 3&4 is all right, but you'll need to be more imaginative in the last line.



I think this poem has great potential, but it needs its changes here and there. Especially the last line