#1
I would really like some critiques on this one. I think its a solid song espcially if I play it the way I do on guitar it sounds great but i would love to hear what yall think about it and how i could make it better?
i'll take a look at your song if you crit mine.
thanks... it looks long but its a quick read.


I’ll take no action
I’ll take no fame
Who’s your latest attraction
And what’s his name?

Ill take no action
I’ll take no blame
We just want a distraction
It’s all the same

I want to feel satisfaction
I want to feel alive
It’s a coming attraction
And I hope its not a lie

I’ll get no response
I can’t get a reaction
In all your nonchalance
You don’t even care

It’s every time I’d see you
I come alive
Pull the sun right through me
It’s me wishing that
You wouldn’t have lied
I wouldn’t have cried

Now I’m so unsure
Of your intentions
All I need is the cure
A little divine intervention

It’s every time I’d see you
I come alive
Pull the sun right through me
It’s me wishing that
You wouldn’t have lied
I wouldn’t have cried

I’ll take no action
I’ll take no blame
We just want a distraction
It’s all the same
Last edited by guitardan76 at Feb 13, 2007,
#2
It's good! If you got a good beat and and a good riff for it. I bet it would sound awesome!!
As for changes. Nothing needs to be different but if there is a chorus in there it would be nice to say this is the chorus and here is the verse, get what I mean? Unless this is a song that just goes all the way through with no chorus, Which that would be cool too.
#3
Dude this is a really solid effort.

I really like the way that you use the same rhyme scheme throughout. It's a simple one, but it adds so much to the song, and doesn't distract from what you are trying to put across through your lyrics.

I'm not very good at critiquing lol but I really like this song. Once you get some music to it, it'll sound amazing.

And thanks for checking out my song mate!
#4
It's pretty good i liked it. the only thing i found wrong was the stanze that had the line "You don’t even care" did not rhyme but overall its great
uh...ya
Last edited by ryanb21 at Feb 13, 2007,
#5
Thanks for the encouragements guys. I'll put some music to it and record it and probably post it up in the recording section of the forums.

anyone else?
#6
This is awesome. Loved the repitetion, which isn't always the best way to go..but was here I think. Also like said before, the rhyme scheme was simple, but very effective. And the way it came together in the end, was great. I'd like to hear it once you put music to it. Keep writing. You've found a style that I like.

-Red
#7
I liked it but the parts where you had 5 lines in a stanza kind of threw it off. They could be like a little filler to a bridge or somthing if they were separate.

Also the part where it said 'you dont even care' didnt rhyme well.. well not at all actually but... yeah..

try something like

...in all your nonchalance\
nothing but rejection

i know it still doesnt rhyme but its closer to reaction than you dont care.

if it doesnt make sense then yea.

only a suggestion.

good effort. overall good job.
#8
dude i friggin love this song. erminds me of incubus a lot. i dont know why. but very good lyrics and rhyme scheme. seriously dude good job. i feel inspired.
#9
this is really good. the only part i didnt really like was

"I’ll get no response
I can’t get a reaction
In all your nonchalance
You don’t even care"

the last 2 lines that stanza didnt really seem to fit. maybe its just me and maybe it sounds good with your guitar. other than that i really liked it.
could you crit mine? the link is in my sig.
#10
Quote by ximxnoxherox3
dude i friggin love this song. erminds me of incubus a lot. i dont know why. but very good lyrics and rhyme scheme. seriously dude good job. i feel inspired.


sweet.
it feels good to know that i inspired someone over the internet haha
#12
Quote by metal_ore
hey man i like this a lot, however the only thing i would change is the amount of 'I' you have in it but its just a personal preference! wud love to ehar it properly

stay metal (plz comment mine) https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=525734

metal_ore



what do you mean hear it properly? How is "I" not proper... I'm talking about myself so I use the pronoun I. Unless there is some new pronoun that came out that i don't know about then what you said makes no sense.
#14
Quote by jdotp
I liked it but the parts where you had 5 lines in a stanza kind of threw it off. They could be like a little filler to a bridge or somthing if they were separate.


those 5 lines were actually a kind of chorus. They are one of the parts of the song I would repeat later and it breaks away from the repetition.
#17
Overall it's okay. I'm not really a fan of the abab rhyming, seems kind of forced, especially the response/nonchalance rhyme made me cringe, maybe because the simple diction of the song contradicts the slight verbosity of that rhyme. As a whole I feel that this all has been done before, but I have to say, I really love the repeated chorus part, that idea of "pulling the sun" through you is really original. You definitely have potential, so my advice would be to not always go for the simple overdone ideas and forced rhyming and see what can come out.
#18
Quote by Ad*Astra
Overall it's okay. I'm not really a fan of the abab rhyming, seems kind of forced, especially the response/nonchalance rhyme made me cringe, maybe because the simple diction of the song contradicts the slight verbosity of that rhyme. As a whole I feel that this all has been done before, but I have to say, I really love the repeated chorus part, that idea of "pulling the sun" through you is really original. You definitely have potential, so my advice would be to not always go for the simple overdone ideas and forced rhyming and see what can come out.



I also felt like it had been done before and wouldn't really be some sort of huge hit. Thanks for the positive on the chorus I definitely like that line as well.

anybody else?
#19
I quite enjoyed it, The forced abab style is what alot of people start at, and As I use many different and UNIQUE stylings (Which is something to aim for) I suggest which was previously, That the power is there, but with slight changes and going back to the familiarity builds suspence, thus making it more entertaining.

The words were chosen well, As was mentioned before one stanza was missplaced, but every song has something. And if it was all perfect to someone else, It would not be to us.

Keep real, Keep unique and keep writing. Try to branch into different lyrical patterns and styles, I have been Expanding my horizons some.

you can find one of my really out of place songs here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526904

would love to know what you think
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#20
thanks i'll check yours out in a little bit.

i know the abab is really basic and i usually don't use it but i felt like it was the best rhyme scheme for this, too make sure it wasn't difficult to understand but still got the point across in a not so in your face kind of way.