#1
Well, I've always enjoyed writing, but I never really had any motivation to write anything other than songs until just recently (and that "motivation" is more like a random feeling to write a poem). This is my first thread, so...yeah =D

Crit4Crit

Dear Mission Control, I Think We Have A Problem

Distance is just numbers. (Numbers [NUHM-berz] noun: numerals or groups of numerals)
But I’ve never felt inches longer than this.
Breathe in, breathe out. Step in, step out.

“Maybe I’ve just got too much invested in this. Maybe I’m waiting for something that won’t ever happen.”
(Damn, talking to myself again?)
Breathe in, breathe out. Step in, step out. (These lights are blinking faster than police sirens&hellip

“Maybe I’m putting too much thought into this. Maybe I’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell.”
She says something. The words don’t seem important. (Am I missing something?)
This moment is alive…
…moment’s gone.

(Here it comes.)

(T-minus five seconds) I
(T-minus four seconds) don’t

Breathe in, breathe out. Step in, step out. (Will they turn these god-forsaken lights down?)

(T-minus three seconds) think
(T-minus two seconds) this

This doesn’t mean anything. This can’t mean anything.

(T-minus one second) will

“Maybe I’m wasting my time on her. Maybe this whole thing is meaningless.”
Breathe out, wait for it. Step out, wait for it.

(Ignition) work.

I guess we have a winner?
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Last edited by Fugazirancid at Feb 13, 2007,
#2
Wow.

This is... quite interesting... In a good way, of course.
#3
i liked reading it very much- when i read the title i was looking for something more like david bowies space oddity (a great song by the way- i would recommend it) but i was pleasently surprised

"Numbers [NUHM-berz] noun: a numeral or groups of numerals"
should the definition be numerals or groups of numerals? since it is numbers plural? thats your call though

and could you elaborate on the word sirens please? im just wondering if you mean like the mythical sirens from the times of odysseus or if you are speaking of the lights on police cars and other emergancy vehicles or if you are talking about sound making sirens

the tminus __ seconds part was choppy but it seems to fit

oh and is "i guess we have a winner" part of it?

good work dude i like it alot
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Yeah, good catch on the numbers definition. And I was worrying that the title would cause some confusion. Should I change it? I'll clarify the sirens, too.
And the "I guess we have a winner" is related to the "Maybe I've..." segments, kind of saying that I was right. I'll work on clearing that up.


Thanks for the good crit =)
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
PM DorkusMalorkus with a list of your favorite bands to join

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#5
No, no! The title has poetic "Zivv" to it.

Though the last line could be changed.
#6
Hah.

It's kind of clever. Not much more though. It was a fun, one-time read, but I don't think you did anything extraordinary. Nice, solid work though. I think you need to organize your thoughts more though.

If you could read "We Are A Constellation", or "I have kissed Bayonets"(in my sig), I'd appreciate it.
#7
I love the last line.

That alone makes this poem brilliant.

Not that the rest of it wasn't brilliant, though. I thought it was really good.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.