#1
so this isnt REALLY a song but its a piece of writing I did that I would like to share and get critiqued on. its freeform theres no rhyme scheme. rhyme is purely coincidental.


I love the way she looks at me.
her eyes piercing the very soul I possess.
probing me, seeing right through what I have been
and what I have become.
I feel that with every waking moment I am in her presence
I am pure. Theres no facades, only reality.
Every spell has been broken and every word spoken.
Theres nothing left to do but sit here and stare.
To look, to see, to observe,
because i see her the same way she sees me.
No facades. Its then I realize it.
when Every spell is broken, every word spoken.
I understand it. My life is thrown inside out.
I realize the who, the what, the when,
the where and the why
in my life.
But this life is nothing like the evening news.
Theres no definite answer to these W's.
Theres just the feeling of right. The feeling of good.
The feeling of happiness.
It just so happens this moment is so perfect that nothing,
not even God himself, can disturb it.
The emotion takes over the physical and I still sit there.
Looking at her. And this life

it doesn't feel useless

and this moment doesnt feel cold,


it doesnt feel ecstatic,


it doesnt feel happy,


it doesnt feel sad,


it doesnt feel good,


it doesnt feel bad.


This moment just feels
and this life just feels
and the emotion doesnt stop
and no tears run
and no smiles crack and
no frowns form,
no eyes blink,
nothing.
Nothing but breath and feeling.
Nothing but feeling.
Nothing but.


I wrote this just now. I hope at least someone likes it. And I hope at least someone critiques it.
#2
**** I love how theres like two pages of new comments for songs and it cuts off at mine. I did critiques (full critiques) of peoples songs who say 'crit for crit' and I get nothing in return.

I ****ing hate how self centered everyone is on this forum. I mean I try to ****ing write something and no one even LOOKS at it because they dont give a shit.

God damnit. I dont care if this was a double post. Don't care. So dont bother telling me something I already know with your bullshit backseat modding because you feel somehow superior to me in a way if you say 'thats a double post' ****ing I dont care. Never will.

****.

Wonder how many people will look at this.

None? Anyone?

No probably one. A mod and that mod will say 'j00 izz bann3d I r sup3r1or! LAHAHAHA!!!11one!'

Dont care.


Just don't care.


Even if people DO read my piece they're gonna say this and not even comment on the piece because they loooooooooove drama.


Are you a 'Im superior' backseat mod or are you gonna actually read my piece and tell me what you think of it.


You decide.


Because I dont care which you are.
Last edited by jdotp at Feb 14, 2007,
#3
Quote by jdotp


I love the way she looks at me.
her eyes piercing the very soul I possess.
probing me, seeing right through what I have been
and what I have become.
I feel that with every waking moment I am in her presence
I am pure. Theres no facades, only reality.
Every spell has been broken and every word spoken.
Theres nothing left to do but sit here and stare.
To look, to see, to observe,
because i see her the same way she sees me.
No facades. Its then I realize it.
when Every spell is broken, every word spoken.
I understand it. My life is thrown inside out.
I realize the who, the what, the when,
the where and the why
in my life.
But this life is nothing like the evening news.
Theres no definite answer to these W's.
Theres just the feeling of right. The feeling of good.
The feeling of happiness.
It just so happens this moment is so perfect that nothing,
not even God himself, can disturb it.
The emotion takes over the physical and I still sit there.
Looking at her. And this life

it doesn't feel useless
and this moment doesnt feel cold,
it doesnt feel ecstatic,
it doesnt feel happy,
it doesnt feel sad,
it doesnt feel good,
it doesnt feel bad.

This moment just feels
and this life just feels
and the emotion doesnt stop
and no tears run
and no smiles crack and
no frowns form,
no eyes blink,
nothing.
Nothing but breath and feeling.
Nothing but feeling.
Nothing but.



Wow.

There isn't much you can say about it, especially if you've intended it not to be a song. It's beautiful, incredibly beautiful.
I love the way it ends, and I know I probably shouldn't have been, but I was hooked on every word.

Spellbinding and beautiful. 5/5.
#6
I HEAR YA! i leave tons of pple FULL crits when i possible can, and nobody even returns them, wen i first joined, i went to work immediatlecrit as best i could for being a noob,i had like 180 crits on others( i looked at the posts i had done) and i had like 20 crits in return. well, here is ur crit.

I love the way she looks at me.
her eyes piercing the very soul I possess.i dont think posses should be plural here
probing me, seeing right through what I have been
and what I have become.
I feel that with every waking moment I am in her presence
I am pure. Theres no facades, only reality.
Every spell has been broken and every word spoken.very good line
Theres nothing left to do but sit here and stare.
To look, to see, to observe,
because i see her the same way she sees me.
No facades. Its then I realize it.its just me, but i dont think u should repeat facades
when Every spell is broken, every word spoken.
I understand it. My life is thrown inside out.
I realize the who, the what, the when,
the where and the why
in my life.
But this life is nothing like the evening news.
Theres no definite answer to these W's.
Theres just the feeling of right. The feeling of good.
The feeling of happiness.
It just so happens this moment is so perfect that nothing,
not even God himself, can disturb it.
The emotion takes over the physical and I still sit there.
Looking at her. And this life

it doesn't feel useless

and this moment doesnt feel cold,


it doesnt feel ecstatic,


it doesnt feel happy,


it doesnt feel sad,


it doesnt feel good,


it doesnt feel bad.


This moment just feels
and this life just feels
and the emotion doesnt stop
and no tears run
and no smiles crack and
no frowns form,
no eyes blink,
nothing.
Nothing but breath and feeling.
Nothing but feeling.
Nothing but.
to me, repeating the 'ands' and the 'nothings' so many times got annoying

i like it as a poem.im sorry, not super good at critting poems, but i did try to point out the things that bugged me a little, sorry im better at criting songs. but i like how the whole thing is jsut about a single moment with a girl, i like that, and even tho its about that one moment, it didnt seem dragged out of nuthin.good job
#9
Indeed, quite beautiful.

I am pure. Theres no facades, only reality.
Every spell has been broken and every word spoken


*Applaud*

That has to be by far one of the best subsections I've read in an incredibly long time!
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, but this section just popped more than any other!
And by the way, yes, my song is metal, and yes it was talking about government's self-destructive nature in the last line! Thanks for the crit! Keep writing!
#10
Quote by theairwave
wow dude. that was amazing. truly an awesome piece of work. incredibly original, easily the best ive seen all night. and i agree with everything you said under it, you got it man.

Thanks man. Ill be sure to crit yours .

Quote by Kheist
That has to be by far one of the best subsections I've read in an incredibly long time!
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, but this section just popped more than any other!
And by the way, yes, my song is metal, and yes it was talking about government's self-destructive nature in the last line! Thanks for the crit! Keep writing!

Thanks alot man. Your piece was good too .


Also Im really glad people proved me wrong on the whole thing I said under it. About the 'Im a mod your banned' thing.
Thanks.
Last edited by jdotp at Feb 14, 2007,
#11
I thought it was pretty well written, but the flow seemed a bit off in places. Mabey it's jsut me. Also I didn't really like the last stanza where you were extremely redundant upon using 'and.' It seemed a little odd. All in all, I liked it but it still could use a bit of tweaking.
#12
Quote by needlesandpins
I thought it was pretty well written, but the flow seemed a bit off in places. Mabey it's jsut me. Also I didn't really like the last stanza where you were extremely redundant upon using 'and.' It seemed a little odd. All in all, I liked it but it still could use a bit of tweaking.



Thanks. I appreciate it .

I used the repetition for a reason. In my mind it signifies a recurring thought. All the things running through your mind at the same time. Beginning and ending on the same idea. Ideas running into ideas and thoughts bleeding into one another.

thanks though
#13
I thought of kinda the same idea but was unsure. Then, having that in mind, it eliminates the eccentric idea the repetition put into my mind.
#14
it took me like 5 minutes to figure out how to pronounce facades... I knew i had heard it before just couldn't put it together haha.

I liked this. I have written things similar to it like when i'm just describing my feelings and not trying to write a song. I like the way it ends and maybe you could end it with just "Nothing" instead of "Nothing But".. just an idea.
good job.
#15
Quote by guitardan76
it took me like 5 minutes to figure out how to pronounce facades... I knew i had heard it before just couldn't put it together haha.

I liked this. I have written things similar to it like when i'm just describing my feelings and not trying to write a song. I like the way it ends and maybe you could end it with just "Nothing" instead of "Nothing But".. just an idea.
good job.



Thanks Dan. Appreciate it
#16
I love the way she looks at me.
her eyes piercing the very soul I possess.
Eh, not a fan of the "very soul I possess" bit.
probing me, seeing right through what I have been
and what I have become.
I feel that with every waking moment I am in her presence
I am pure. Theres no facades, only reality.
Just grammar police here, should be "there are."
Every spell has been broken and every word spoken.
Theres nothing left to do but sit here and stare.
To look, to see, to observe,
because i see her the same way she sees me.
So far so good.
No facades. Its then I realize it.
when Every spell is broken, every word spoken.
I like the repetition.
I understand it. My life is thrown inside out.
I realize the who, the what, the when,
the where and the why
in my life.
But this life is nothing like the evening news.
Theres no definite answer to these W's.
Awesome rhyme/idea here with the W's. Love it.
Theres just the feeling of right. The feeling of good.
The feeling of happiness.
It just so happens this moment is so perfect that nothing,
not even God himself, can disturb it.
Perhaps unintentional, I love the "perfect/disturb it" internal rhyme.
The emotion takes over the physical and I still sit there.
Looking at her. And this life

it doesn't feel useless

and this moment doesnt feel cold,


it doesnt feel ecstatic,
I don't see the point of using the word "ecstatic" here, it is a positive word and it seems you were actually going for a positive feel...


it doesnt feel happy,
Hmm, interesting again, I guess I'll just have to read on then.


it doesnt feel sad,
Okay, got it, it's the in-betweens...


it doesnt feel good,


it doesnt feel bad.
Blah blah, nothing added with these, and a forced rhyme, unintentional or not, it's still there.


This moment just feels
and this life just feels
and the emotion doesnt stop
and no tears run
and no smiles crack and
no frowns form,
no eyes blink,
nothing.
Nothing but breath and feeling.
Nothing but feeling.
Nothing but.
Really interesting ending, gets repetitive, like babbling, but kind of works in the piece's favor with the idea you have here. I like the way the last three lines does what it does.

Overall, really decent piece, I liked it. It had its ups and downs, but overall it's pretty solid, I liked it. Nice job.