#1
OK so this is a song i just wrote ov er the course of ths day for my girlfriend for valentines day. It originally started as something completely different and whine i went to work on that piece today it rewrote itself into this.


The best thing i could ever do
Is spend everyday in that half-lit hallway with you
You are the wind that clears the clouds from the sky,
You are life itself, there's not a doubt in my mind

The only thing i could ever do,
Since the moment we met, is just think of how i miss you
Cause every second I'm away from you,
Is another second where i don't know what to do

(Chorus)

And if a rose by any other name is still a rose,
Then you in every single way, are beautiful...

So what i really would like to know is does the chorus make any sense to any of you?
i am trying to tie that line from some Shakespeare play ( can't remeber which one) in with how i see her, as in like, no matter what she will always be beautiful to me in ever way, but im not quite sure if the way i phrased that whole chourus really make much sense. help!? crit 4 crit
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#2
You mean Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, I thought that was nice how you tied that in there.

But maybe, perhaps, perchance, you could tweak the chorus just a little. Like, you could say something like "And if a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, Then you by any other name would be just as beautiful..."

Or something. That way, you could stick more to the context of the quote, and have the title of the song in there, too. If that's what you want to do, of course.

But it's still really pretty.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#3
Yeah I agree, Just tweak the chorus a little different maybe even a few more lines. Other than that it's a good love song.
#4
The best thing i could ever do
Is spend everyday in that half-lit hallway with you
You are the wind that clears the clouds from the sky,
You are life itself, there's not a doubt in my mind

The first two lines are great, the third is good, but the fourth doesn't feel as imaginative to me, still this is a darn great start.

The only thing i could ever do,
Since the moment we met, is just think of how i miss you
Cause every second I'm away from you,
Is another second where i don't know what to do

I'm afraid this verse isn't half as good as the previous one,while in the first verse you paint pretty landscapes and use interesting yet clear metaphors, but in this verse you fall to cliche terribly, its pretty, but incredibely overused, and as such loses its punch.

(Chorus)

And if a rose by any other name is still a rose,
Then you in every single way, are beautiful...

An obvious refference to romeo and juliet... but used well, this is a good chorus, if a little short...

Overall the song could be great, but I really think that the second verse pulls it down, I suggest you change it.

C4C? my latest song is "To my love from my tired heart" in my sig.
#5
The best thing i could ever do
Is spend everyday in that half-lit hallway with you
You are the wind that clears the clouds from the sky,
You are life itself, there's not a doubt in my mind


I like the opening line. The third line is a little cliche.

The only thing i could ever do,
Since the moment we met, is just think of how i miss you
Cause every second I'm away from you,
Is another second where i don't know what to do


Captilize the I in the first line. The last line could use some tweaking because it's too obvious. You could say is 'Is another precious memory loss'

(Chorus)

And if a rose by any other name is still a rose,
Then you in every single way, are beautiful...


The chorus could use some tweaking too. You could say 'You can call a rose many things but it's still a rose' and 'You can be called many things but you are still beautiful'.

Overall 7.7/10. I think it's a tad bit short. Maybe you should continue it.
Crit my song Ignorance of the Safe
Ignorance of the Safe