#1
This is probably pretty raw, due to intoxication and lack of proper editing environment, but I'd appreciate critiques, any critiques will be returend as soon as possible, most likely tommorow afternoon, pending on internet accessibility. Thanks

Here we go.

understreet locomotion life

beneath the swarm of trafficing bodies
in mercedes benz and taxi cabs
I sit in a seat of worn threads.
among a nearly empty shipment
of the few who took the hard way home
And I hold a half laminated
body in my weak gripped fist before
the lights turn to tunnel, I forget
the face, but remember enough to
get off before my stop; Ink-jet-air-brush
cosmo-screen, underwear bearing
unmentionables that are most
likely locked in a safe to keep me
from ever really seeing them, and
my medula oblongota
director speaks between strokes of sin;
"This is it, let your eyes smile." Euphoria is
mudnane. "This is your character arc, treat it that way."
A reoccuring one. "Let it last, enjoy
yourself." I'm trying. "CUT." And then it's gone,
and i wipe some mess on the fraying cushion.
sometime soon after, that loud humming yield noise
echoes soft over an ignored flickering light.
I stand and stick a cigarette to
my lips, and breathe carcinogen
like an anti-hero's montage.
Before I am about to escape,
I see grey hair sheltered by a thousand
scarves, being carried by a wooden cane,
that doesn't seem to be cooperating.
So, I take over. Hand in tarnished hand
I walked her toward the dim neon.
Last edited by clichealias at Feb 19, 2007,
#2
Nice, I like, though it seems to make not a lot of sense in some lines, such as

Ink-jet-air-brush
cosmo-screen, underwear bearing
unmentionables that are most
likely locked in a safe to keep me
from ever really seeing them


Though I do like the originality of the piece, it doesn't gives an impression of being cliched and is somewhat forceful in making me think about what you're saying. Though maybe make it a little clearer in some parts? Particually what I quote up there. I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#3
beneath the swarm of trafficing bodies
in mercedes benz and taxi cabs
I sit in a seat of wearing threads
Great opening, I'm really captured already. I did wonder, however, about this last line, perhaps theres a way of phrasing it so that you get the impression of the seat "wearing threads" and "of worn threads" if you get what I mean, just its good as it is, but the word play would be amazing.
among a nearly empty shipment
of the few who took the hard way home
And I hold a half laminated
body in my weak gripped fist before
the lights turn to tunnel, I forget
the face, but remember enough to
get off before my stop; Ink-jet-air-brush
cosmo-screen, underwear bearing
unmentionables that are most
likely locked in a safe to keep me
from ever really seeing them, and
my medula oblongota
Eh I got a Fight Club vibe from this early on, I love this everything works so well together, story and mis-en-scene.
director speaks between strokes of sin;
"This is it." "This is your character
arc, treat it that way." "Make it last, make
it real, enjoy yourself." "CUT." And then
it's gone, and i wipe some mess on the
fraying cushion. sometime soon after,
that loud humming yield noise echoes soft
over a loud flickering light.
Wasn't keen on the flow in these two lines. It just seemed too many words without fillers.
I stand and stick a cigarette to
my lips, and breathe carcinogen
like an anti-hero's montage.
Before I am about to escape,
I see grey hair sheltered by a thousand
scarves, being carried by a wooden cane,
that doesn't seem to be cooperating.
So, I take over. Hand in tarnished hand
I walked her toward the dim neon.

Ha I get a 25th hour vibe from this now....This is a great piece, something I didn't expect from you, nice work man.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Heyy, thanks a lot for the crits guys, I've been really in a rut internet access wise, so if I owe any of you crits, I will be able to get them within the next 48 hours(i'm not going to sugar coat it) But, I'll be able to get at EVERYTHING when my roomate gets to work tomorrow night, so if you want to critique this or just leave me a comment on it, I will respond, it will just take a bit of time.

Thanks :]

-Jacob