#1
I figured as i've been giving out nasty critiques for a while, I ought to put something on here myself, I put on the first thing I could find, in it's first draft. Enjoy


Despite everything,
I still dream of Catalonia bars with you,
passing comments on Gaudi’s architecture,
A world away from here,
A world away from cold Cambridge streets,
And Big Issue Sellers.

**** you cruel mind,
I just thought I could convey a memory,
But it’s not my dream,
My dreams are of Camden Lock and Soho,
Empty tube stations and Hyde Park Corner,
A pilgrimage so hopeless as to be called ‘bello’,
by a flamboyant homosexual.

I don’t want to converse with you,
Through accented e’s,
I want what I’ve wasted,
and the only thing worth keeping,
Just memories of you.

You’ll do well to remember,
‘Home is where the heart is’
And I’d give my heart again for you,
If you’ll stay in this home,
We need more to remember,
And never forget.
Don’t leave.

C4C as usual.
Last edited by Alix_D at Feb 14, 2007,
#2
Hmm, interesting piece...

Despite everything,
I still dream of Catalonia bars with you,
passing comments on Gaudi’s architecture,
A world away from here,
A world away from cold Cambridge streets,
And Big Issue Sellers.

I like this, it's different and straightforward, but the imagery is there and the irony.
Although, i find the first 2 lines slightly weird.


**** you cruel mind,
I just thought I could convey a memory,
But it’s not my dream,
My dreams are of Camden Lock and Soho,
Empty tube stations and Hyde Park Corner,
A pilgrimage so hopeless as to be called ‘bello’,
by a flamboyant homosexual.

Again I don't like the first three lines, but I love the last four. The first 3 seem out of place, they just stop the flow and are annoying.

I don’t want to converse with you
Through accented e’s,
I want what I’ve wasted,
and the only thing worth keeping,
Just memories of you.

I love this, definitely the best stanza.

You’ll do well to remember,
‘Home is where the heart is’
And I’d give my heart again for you,
If you’ll stay in this home,
We need more to remember,
And never forget.
Don’t leave.
I like the ending. On the short sentences, I can see a slow heart-felt end. A great wya to round it off.

Please crit mine "steel cables" on the first page...
#3
i like this one dude.
its got a good feel to it, and its pretty straightforward, but not just blatantly understandable. its good man. real good.
#4
Despite everything,
I still dream of Catalonia bars with you,
passing comments on Gaudi’s architecture,
A world away from here,
A world away from cold Cambridge streets,
And Big Issue Sellers.

I liked this part. It seemed very soothing. Like a memory relived. One that was perfect to you and the person you shared it with.

**** you cruel mind,
I just thought I could convey a memory,
But it’s not my dream,
My dreams are of Camden Lock and Soho,
Empty tube stations and Hyde Park Corner,
A pilgrimage so hopeless as to be called ‘bello’,
by a flamboyant homosexual.

This really accented the first part. It seemed really in tune with the past memory. The part about the 'flamboyant homosexual' was humourous and it only added to the stanza.

I don’t want to converse with you,
Through accented e’s,
I want what I’ve wasted,
and the only thing worth keeping,
Just memories of you.

This just keeps getting more and more perfect I must say. Going back to the memories and how perfect and unforgettable they are. It leads me to believe that the relationship is gone but the memories remain because they are so perfect. Like the Planets aligned or something

You’ll do well to remember,
‘Home is where the heart is’
And I’d give my heart again for you,
If you’ll stay in this home,
We need more to remember,
And never forget.
Don’t leave.

This is also really good. Overall the entire piece was well written. The final stanza leads the reader to believe that this was a present event. The entire piece really brings together past present and future. With the memories, the 'Don't Leave' and the come back.

I enjoyed reading this alot
#5
i don't like this bit:
A pilgrimage so hopeless as to be called ‘bello’,
by a flamboyant homosexual.


i don't really know what's wrong with it,
it just seems to change the mood and style
that you had from before so much, in a bad way.


the whole thing goes downhill here:

I want what I’ve wasted,
and the only thing worth keeping,
Just memories of you.

You’ll do well to remember,
‘Home is where the heart is’
And I’d give my heart again for you,
If you’ll stay in this home,
We need more to remember,
And never forget.
Don’t leave.


it begins to get really cliche and boring.
i liked almost all of it up until that part.
i really think you should revamp it here.

but. overall, it's alright. nothing great,
but the first half is a pretty enjoyable read.
i think you really need to fix the ending though.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
I like it, but I dunno it lacks something, too many place references for me, but I guess if you were from England you'd get it more. Still I like the strangeness of it, it has a weird air and I think I enjoy the theme if I have it right.

Probably needs a little work, but then again that's just my humble op.
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