#1
Los Angeles falls asleep/
The sunlight drains away/
Into the sin-soaked street/
Drops of sun were falling on my face/
As the star desintegrates/
There are black holes in my sun/
I can't see but one star/
For the lights on the boulevard replace the moon/
In Cali/

Sleep/
California/
Sleep/
California/
Sleep/
California

The streetsides/
Plaster you with neon/
And silicon/
You're drowning in the electric sweat/
I'll eat some holes in the sky/
The moon is riddled/
Through & through/
With gasoline bullets/
The watercolor moon/

Sleep/
California kill me/
Sleep/
Cali/
She/
California in me/
Sleep/
California rising/

then theres the breakdown & guitar solo

Sleep/
California

please tell me what you think. thanks.
#2
[quote="theairwave
"]Los Angeles falls asleep/
The sunlight drains away/
Into the sin-soaked street/
Drops of sun were falling on my face/
As the star desintegrates/
There are black holes in my sun/
I can't see but one star/
For the lights on the boulevard replace the moon/
In Cali/

You use the word sun a few times too many for me, but I do like the way you set the tone and the way it flows.


Sleep
California
Sleep
California
Sleep
California

The streetsides
Plaster you with neon
And silicon
You're drowning in the electric sweat
I'll eat some holes in the sky
The moon is riddled
Through & through
With gasoline bullets
The watercolor moon

Again, I like this stanza a lot, the line 'i'll eat some holes in the sky' seems a bit out of place though.

Sleep
California kill me
Sleep
Cali
She
California in me
Sleep
California rising

Like that variation from the first 'chorus', helps get the point across well.

Sleep
California



I like it, you set a good tone at the start and then variate it as it goes on, a style of writing i'm quite keen on. 4/65

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Last edited by Alix_D at Feb 14, 2007,
#3
I started getting sleepy when i read it. It must have been the chorus saying sleep so many times :-D but i still liked it.

i could see this being a nice acoustic song that i'd listen to while going to sleep haha but seriously i could see this as being acoustic even if that's not what you were aiming for.

I really like the change of words in the 2nd chorus.. and i do agree with the other guy about sun being used too many times.
#4
Los Angeles falls asleep/
The sunlight drains away/
Into the sin-soaked street/
Drops of sun were falling on my face/
As the star desintegrates/ -
There are black holes in my sun/
I can't see but one star/
For the lights on the boulevard replace the moon/
In Cali/


Very good. i like the use of similies like 'as the stars disintegrate' that was a good line. I also like the part about the lights on the boulevard. That was really well written.

Sleep/
California/
Sleep/
California/
Sleep/
California

I liked this part alot. Its really good.

The streetsides/
Plaster you with neon/
And silicon/
You're drowning in the electric sweat/
I'll eat some holes in the sky/
The moon is riddled/
Through & through/
With gasoline bullets/
The watercolor moon/


God damn that was good. I really liked that. Especially the gasoline bullets and the watercolor moon. Very well written.

Sleep/
California kill me/
Sleep/
Cali/
She/
California in me/
Sleep/
California rising/


good. this was good.

then theres the breakdown & guitar solo


I think during the breakdown you should be yelling or screaming (i assume this is a metal song because it has a breakdown) something like:

"KILL ME
CALIFORNIA
KILL ME"


Sleep/
California


good. I liked how it ended too.

please tell me what you think. thanks.


it was good
#6
I quite liked this, and I really have no complaints except for the variation on the chorus. I couldn't tell you why, but I just didn't like the "she/cali/california in me" part, just sounded weird to me, although I do like the addition of "California kill me." But that aside, great song. I really love the imagery and the scene here, the diction and rhymes were great, so there's really not much to nit-pick by me. Great job.
#7
Pretty sweet song man, are you by any chance Anthony Keidis?
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#8
haha. yeah my best friend said it sounded straight out of a red hot chili peppers song when i showed it too him. i didnt base it off them at all. cause like everyone writes these songs about california and i wanted to write one too cause cali is my home away from home, but if i wrote one i wanted to try and make it different. so i tried but hey.
#9
Yeah it does sound like something the Chilis would write (high praise indeed), although I thought it was somewhat darker and possibly more poetic that anything they've written. I really loved the imagery and wording you used, especially 'sin-soaked streets', 'watercolour moon', and the idea of 'drops of sun' on your face rather than drops of rain.

The chorus is really good as well. The repitition of 'Cali/sleep/she' throughout the song really strengthens it. I noticed the 'In Cali' line at the end of the first verse, maybe you should put it at the end of both verses? Just a thought.

The only thing I didn't like was the title. It sounds very typical Arctic Monkeys, and I'm not sure whether it suits. To be honest, the song has such good lyrics, I'd try and find a title there.

PS: Was the "Black holes in my sun" line a reference or inspired by/related to "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden? (Just wondering.)

PPS: I'm sure nobody cares, but if you have noticed how there seem to be a rather large number of songs about California out there (half of which are probably contributed by RHCP), find the track "California Songs" by Local H. You'll find the lyrics amusing.
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#10
nah its in no way related to soundgarden. im not a big fan of theirs. thanks for your adive though, and thanks for the crit.