#1
VERSE
-----
Awakened the killer instinct true
Bloodlust - humanity's brilliant design
Commonwealth born of self-destruction
Spiraling into the end of times

PRECHORUS
---------
Welcome the sole solution
Bleeding the populace dry
Here's to revolution
Rejoice one by one as all die

CHORUS
------
For in hatred we live, then in hatred decay
A no gun salute for the final of days
Freedom is laced into death's loving call
Bringing justice to none, but liberty to all

VERSE
-----
Transgressions forever forgiven
With a bullet's gentle kiss
An artist with no brush or easle
Paints the world red through open wrists

PRECHORUS
CHORUS
#2
Would this happen to be a metal song? Because it sounds like one.

After reading this song through a couple times I can imagine a sort of fast picked intro. Which leads into a breakdown or something to that effect. It slows down is all i have to say. And becomes sort of like a march with the snare and the bass and everything in effect on drums. A good chugging guitar. like dununun dun dun dununun dun dun dun. if you get me :P which leads into the first verse.


VERSE
-----
Awakened the killer instinct true
Bloodlust - humanity's brilliant design
Commonwealth born of self-destruction
Spiraling into the end of times


Wow this is a good verse. It really conveys the idea of death and a sort of totalitarian government.


PRECHORUS
---------
Welcome the sole solution
Bleeding the populace dry
Here's to revolution
Rejoice one by one as all die


This is really good too. I liked how everything rhymed perfectly. Good good job on this part.


CHORUS
------
For in hatred we live, then in hatred decay
A no gun salute for the final of days
Freedom is laced into death's loving call
Bringing justice to none, but liberty to all


Same goes for this part. It was really well written. I liked the last line its sort of 'metallicaesque'.

VERSE
-----
Transgressions forever forgiven
With a bullet's gentle kiss
An artist with no brush or easle
Paints the world red through open wrists


This is good. It shows alot of agression and angst. I really like it. And after reading this you might have been talking about a government making all the wrong decisions or about a person cutting themselves. I like the government idea much more

PRECHORUS
CHORUS


good way to end. With the strongest parts.

crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=525179
#3
If you can take the time to read this I'm sure you could spare a few seconds to critique it...I really would appreciate it. Thanks!
#4
this is well written, but it seems like it's a bit too angry, it might scare people off if you're not careful
#5
I'm a fellow metal musician (hoping you are metal) and I'd have to say this is some of the most angsty stuff I've seen in a while. I love it. Just the right ammount of poetic beauty and in your face destruction. Very decent song, I can picture guitar shredding and solos everywhere in this song, like the kinda song you'd open an album with. Very good stuff. The verses are my favorite part.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#7
i'm in a very "troll" like mood right now, i'm not sure, but i'll try to hold back as i actually try to analyze the song

"VERSE
-----
Awakened the killer instinct true
Bloodlust - humanity's brilliant design
Commonwealth born of self-destruction
Spiraling into the end of times"

the first verse actually sounds like it's following something up, something that has been previously set up, perhaps that's implying there's something that's already set up in society that it's talking about though, i'm not sure, but the first two lines reminded me of hunting, probably because i live with a bunch of hicks in southern illinois

PRECHORUS
---------
Welcome the sole solution
Bleeding the populace dry
Here's to revolution
Rejoice one by one as all die

i am very grateful that there is someone here who can put out an original turn of phrase and can use perfect rhythm and the rightly chosen words to create a terriffic mood and depth to the song, however, the term "here's to" is a cliche, and makes for a short line as well, at leaset put more action in the line if not more syllables, such as "Here comes the revolution"

CHORUS
------
For in hatred we live, then in hatred decay
A no gun salute for the final of days
Freedom is laced into death's loving call
Bringing justice to none, but liberty to all

This is starting to sound very mcrish...i'm starting to feel suspicious.

VERSE
-----
Transgressions forever forgiven
With a bullet's gentle kiss
An artist with no brush or easle
Paints the world red through open wrists

this is very graphic, love it, hope there's plenty of screaming, but i want to be able to hear and understand most of the lyrics.

PRECHORUS
CHORUS

Wise choice, however, by showcasing the song's one weakness (in my opinion), it drags it down a bit at the end and leaves a bitter taste, but blows it away again at the chorus.
#8
I really do love this. It has such a nice flow to it, it's amazing.


I must say thought, the chorus, namely:

'A no gun salute for the final of days'

reminds me of Lamb of God's 'One Gun'

But that's not a problem


Now, upon reading this initially, it seems like either a heavy death metal song or thrashy speed metal song. It would fit both. Very...let's say, opinionated, for lack of a better word, against war and the government.

I really can't explain how much I love this piece of work. It sounds so good to my eyes!


Here's my favorite part:

'Welcome the sole solution
Bleeding the populace dry
Here's to revolution
Rejoice one by one as all die'

It's got almost a post-apocalyptic image attached to it. Very nice. The 'Rejoice one by one as we all die' is especially powerful.


Sorry I couldn't give you a full crit. Crit mine? Please?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=526678
#9
Was out of town... thanks for the crits (keep 'em coming) and I'll crit yours ASAP! (BTW it's a metal song)

Thanks again!