#1
[B]snow[/B]
i walk past
    say hello
i force myself
    say hello
          mention the snow

i come back
    grab you
        i say
            live in the snow
                 with me
                  for now
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Jan 6, 2008,
#3
i think the idea is GREAT. like. i love the idea.
but i think it could have been executed better.
in the non-indented parts, the wording seemed
a tiny bit too simple to me, and i know that's the
point and i completely understand your intentions,
but the simple wording detracted from the piece for me.
but i really fucking loved the indented parts, though.

but good job. it WAS an enjoyable read.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Feb 15, 2007,
#4
That has to be one of the best Pieces I have read. Mainly because of the relevance and the formatting.


I really like poems with formats that go against the norm. I have done a couple myself.

If you have the time then could you crit my newest piece? My Thoughts: Sans Serif... (in my signature.

And if you are into formatted poems. Which I would assume you are by this work then check out my blog on myspace at:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=85486004

thanks
#5
Hah I thought that was your piece when I first read it! Then I looked and saw that you weren't actually entered in the Valentines Day comp... and I started wondering...

Really beautiful piece, I love the simplicity. It seems so much different than anything I've read in a while. Didn't really like how "snow" and "hello" rhymed, and the repitition of the rhyme, but other than that I think it was perfect.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#6
one word replies are usually lame but i feel i can only describe this in one word. Brilliant
Quote by dann_blood
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Quote by FearTheD
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#7
Oh my god.. I read this in the Valentines thread and claimed it made no sense... I want my vote back!!

This is fantastic! It's... It's incredible! You've really captured the awkwardness, the small talk, even. The fact you used "Snow" instead of anything else adds to the resonance.

This is just insanity. Perfection, even...
#8
hey all. thanks for the kind words. was really just an experimentation. i'll try and get back to a few of you.

grovermans, i'll work on the non-indented parts.
#9
Quote by Zuka
Oh my god.. I read this in the Valentines thread and claimed it made no sense... I want my vote back!!

This is fantastic! It's... It's incredible! You've really captured the awkwardness, the small talk, even. The fact you used "Snow" instead of anything else adds to the resonance.

This is just insanity. Perfection, even...


Right, because if everyone else is praising it, your first opinion must be wrong...

Don't take offense, I just find it very hard to believe that you suddenly understand it now that you read it in here...
#10
I disagree with zuka about this perfectly capturing the awkwardness of love/small talk. Here's my interpretation; the 'mention the snow' thing means something important, I figured that out, and the main character keeps dancing around the question, or something really important that he's (or she's) trying to ask, if that's the case I love how you make it look like small talk about the weather. Even though I disagree with Zuka you did capture the felling quite well. Sorry if I completely missed the meaning you were going for, but I can relate to the meaning I got out of it.
#11
True, it does capture that feeling, and the whole small talk thing is great. Overall, genius. However, I agree with someone else who said this, the lines that aren't indented seem a bit bland.

Still, great poem.
#12
upon further notice (though my opinion probably isn't too influencial yet just seeing as I just joined this board), i agree about the unindented lines.

Just thought I'd bring it up. Still great poem!
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#13
Quote by stratkat
I disagree with zuka about this perfectly capturing the awkwardness of love/small talk. Here's my interpretation; the 'mention the snow' thing means something important, I figured that out, and the main character keeps dancing around the question, or something really important that he's (or she's) trying to ask, if that's the case I love how you make it look like small talk about the weather. Even though I disagree with Zuka you did capture the felling quite well. Sorry if I completely missed the meaning you were going for, but I can relate to the meaning I got out of it.


i stopped writing in that bland "this is this" style quite a while ago.

please don't comment anymore if its just "this is good, crit mine". If you're going to comment and don't ahve anything constructive to offer, then at least mention a line or two in particular that did it for you.

retribution, give him the benefit of the doubt. considering that you chewed him out and obviously look down on him, it's going to be hard for him to get in your good graces.
#14
Sorry if that directed at me, I honestly actually liked the whole thing as a whole, the problems with the unindented lines i had was this line in paticular "I go away" i just felt it was maybe too simple but in honesty that's just me being picky.

Sorry if you felt I was just asking for a crit
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#16
Meh while this captured the moment well, the substance that is with it brings the piece down, I get very little from it, after I mean, cause its just bring a thought into my head that I already knew, and had forgotten once. Sorry to be an ass

I'd appreciate a word or two on mine, since you read the original too.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.