#1
this is a fissure,
impregnated by gingerbread.
we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of test tubes.
but i can't breathe without my venom,
i can't sleep without my paradox.
oh, sweet cacophony,
what fate will befall this anomaly?

pouring formaldehyde into arterioles,
i will disinfect your metronome.
this is a pyrrhic victory,
the crux of which resides in chrome.
with lacunae in our fingertips,
we will dance like acute angles.

i long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,
and your lacerations will open up and smile.
i want to taste vicissitude,
and turn my wounds incarnadine.
i want to taste the callowness
that i haven't known in ages.

our lips will shatter if we kiss
the concrete one more time,
and we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of bayonets.

I just want to sleep forever.


#3
crack!

?

i probably don't listen to your type of music, whatever it is, so don't count my simple opinion
#4
this is a fissure,
impregnated by gingerbread.
we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of test tubes.
but i can't breathe without my venom,
i can't sleep without my paradox.
oh, sweet cacophony,
what fate will befall this anomaly?


Damn. Like 5 words I didn't know. And damn does it sound good. I know ALOT of words and this boggled me. Holy.

Written really well. I might as well grab a dictionary and figure out what they mean. Great Writing so far. I liked the part saying 'I can't breathe without my venom' and the lines after it.


pouring formaldehyde into arterioles,
i will disinfect your metronome.
this is a pyrrhic victory,
the crux of which resides in chrome.
with lacunae in our fingertips,
we will dance like acute angles.


Again. Wow. I love your writing style first of all. Lol. Ill say that ALOT through this.
No bad points. Loved the part about the metronome. One of the only words I understood.


i long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,
and your lacerations will open up and smile.
i want to taste vicissitude,
and turn my wounds incarnadine.
i want to taste the callowness

that i haven't known in ages.

Okay I give up. Im not critiquing any more of this. Its amazing. Thats it. Im done.
Too many words I dont understand.


our lips will shatter if we kiss
the concrete one more time,
and we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of bayonets.


I lied. I didnt finish last verse.

Amazing Song.

Amazingg.
#6
this is a fissure,
impregnated by gingerbread.
we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of test tubes.
but i can't breathe without my venom,
i can't sleep without my paradox.
oh, sweet cacophony,
what fate will befall this anomaly?

None of the last words in each line seemed like they had anything to do with each other, it made me feel like the stanza jumped around, it's kinda themeless, but that's just my opinion. I like the use of fissure though.

pouring formaldehyde into arterioles,
i will disinfect your metronome.
this is a pyrrhic victory,
the crux of which resides in chrome.
with lacunae in our fingertips,
we will dance like acute angles.

Metronome?, meaning heart right, if not that's what I took it as. I like the last two lines alot.

i long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,
and your lacerations will open up and smile.
i want to taste vicissitude,
and turn my wounds incarnadine.
i want to taste the callowness
that i haven't known in ages.

The third line is really cool, I loved the concept of this stanza.

our lips will shatter if we kiss
the concrete one more time,
and we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of bayonets.

Liked the ending.

This was good, some words in there I didn't know but I have a good guess on the meanings. You can crit my latest or wait till I write another to return a crit.
#8
pouring formaldehyde into arterioles,
i will disinfect your metronome.
this is a pyrrhic victory,
the crux of which resides in chrome.
with lacunae in our fingertips,
we will dance like acute angles.

my favorite part!

As a whole I love this song (if it is intended to be a song) over the short time I have been here (not long at all) I definetely think that this is one of the best. Nice song, it is an intricite (sp?) complex work or art.

Good stuff, thats all I can say... Magnificent!
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#9
This is some good stuff. It's a little hard to follow, not because of the vocabulary but because some of the stuff is just plain confusing.

"i long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,"


This isnt very clear. It doesnt make a whole lot of sense. Maybe choose some new wording. Like, why would narcolepsy make skin graft? Maybe I'm over analyzing.

"but i can't breathe without my venom,
i can't sleep without my paradox.
oh, sweet cacophony,
what fate will befall this anomaly?"


This is good. I especially like the last two lines.

our lips will shatter if we kiss
the concrete one more time,
and we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of bayonets.


I like this a lot as well. Especially the 'kiss the concrete' part, thats good imagery.
There is probably a better word you could use than bayonets though that would fit more with the flow.

Overall, I think you should try to accomplish the same thing without so many huge words. Because it seems like in a few places they are very forced. Like 'pyhrric victory' could definitely be said a different way and you would be able to get more meaning from it.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#11
Quote by screamsoftly
This is some good stuff. It's a little hard to follow, not because of the vocabulary but because some of the stuff is just plain confusing.

"i long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,"


This isnt very clear. It doesnt make a whole lot of sense. Maybe choose some new wording. Like, why would narcolepsy make skin graft? Maybe I'm over analyzing.

"but i can't breathe without my venom,
i can't sleep without my paradox.
oh, sweet cacophony,
what fate will befall this anomaly?"


This is good. I especially like the last two lines.

our lips will shatter if we kiss
the concrete one more time,
and we will become ornaments
adorning a wall of bayonets.


I like this a lot as well. Especially the 'kiss the concrete' part, thats good imagery.
There is probably a better word you could use than bayonets though that would fit more with the flow.

Overall, I think you should try to accomplish the same thing without so many huge words. Because it seems like in a few places they are very forced. Like 'pyhrric victory' could definitely be said a different way and you would be able to get more meaning from it.

a lot of this is metaphors.
i guess some are confusing,
but they ultimately make sense.

and joseph. i know it doesn't.
but i didn't use that many big words,
and i don't think it would have worked
had i used smaller, more colloquial words.

but to each his own.

I just want to sleep forever.


#12
Quote by ScarredFaith
Alot of two dollar words, kid, doesn't make a hundred dollar piece.



i agree. you used a lot of big words, none of which really flowed well at all so the piece jumped around a lot because of the awkwardness of your diction.

you used to write emo pieces and you went from simple writing like that to this? id say stick to the other writing because this is a lot of style and a lot less substance.
#13
eh. fair enough.

i disagree with most of what you said,
but i can see why you would think that.

i'm just trying to do something different,
because all my old pieces were the exact
same and i felt it was getting kind of old.
so i'm trying to change my style around.
i guess this isn't quite the best one, so i'll
keep trying and eventually i'll find something.

I just want to sleep forever.


#14
This is gonna sound really stupid, but its no less stupid than anything said already. Big words are just more syllables crammed together. It makes no ****ing difference. The problem I fear is the way you read them, perhaps take your time more, then you might realise that by using the larger words you open the door for more consonance and assonance, aswell as internal rhyme. Not only does it allow for a grander scope of meaning it brings a more creative side to the piece. Everyone is so hung up on mediocre little ditty words, that have standard meanings and carry little or no significance to originality. I'm not saying that by using bigger words its automatically more original, just that it allows further interpretations. This piece is a fine example of how it should be done. Theres meaning, and metaphors, what else do you want? I'm sorry but you either need to grow your vocab or understand that some write like this because we can, arrogant or whatever. But it's how it is.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 16, 2007,
#15
i agree with that almost completely^ but I just dont think the diction was done to effect here. i definitely dont think 'big' words shouldn't be used because that would just be an ignorant statement. i just think that this piece was an example of how they shouldn't be used in a piece of poetry. it just seemed too cluttered. i might have been a little harsh grovermans, maybe but idk.

i definitely think you should keep with this style if you want something new. and im sure itll grow on me just like your old writing did but this piece didnt do it for me.
#17
I LOVED the lyrics personally, but I think the vocab might go over many of your target audiences head's. If you want to please yourself and some select people, leave it as it is. If you want a more accessible track, tone it down a bit. Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527040
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
#18
It seemed to me like you used a bunch of obscure words and overly-ambiguous metaphors just for the sake of using them. I dont like it.
Quote by lefty_strat_str
Only buy guitars that have had their wood harvested from the north side of the tree, during the summer solstice, by virgin druids suffering from dwarfism. Next stupid question, please.
#19
long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,
and your lacerations will open up and smile

this makes no sense narcolepsy is a sleep disorder nothing 2 do with skin grafts i think you're just putin words like that for the sake of it. i no this cos i myself is a sufer of narcolepitc syndrome
#20
Quote by rushmore
i agree. you used a lot of big words, none of which really flowed well at all so the piece jumped around a lot because of the awkwardness of your diction.

you used to write emo pieces and you went from simple writing like that to this? id say stick to the other writing because this is a lot of style and a lot less substance.


Quote by The Hurt Within
This is gonna sound really stupid, but its no less stupid than anything said already. Big words are just more syllables crammed together. It makes no ****ing difference. The problem I fear is the way you read them, perhaps take your time more, then you might realise that by using the larger words you open the door for more consonance and assonance, aswell as internal rhyme. Not only does it allow for a grander scope of meaning it brings a more creative side to the piece. Everyone is so hung up on mediocre little ditty words, that have standard meanings and carry little or no significance to originality. I'm not saying that by using bigger words its automatically more original, just that it allows further interpretations. This piece is a fine example of how it should be done. Theres meaning, and metaphors, what else do you want? I'm sorry but you either need to grow your vocab or understand that some write like this because we can, arrogant or whatever. But it's how it is.


Quote by rushmore
i agree with that almost completely^ but I just dont think the diction was done to effect here. i definitely dont think 'big' words shouldn't be used because that would just be an ignorant statement. i just think that this piece was an example of how they shouldn't be used in a piece of poetry. it just seemed too cluttered. i might have been a little harsh grovermans, maybe but idk.


Combine all these crits and you've got everything I could possibly say about this piece. To re-iterate, by all means, use interesting and colourful vocabulary, in fact make sure you do, but don't think that this will automatically make your work original and clever. There still has to be substance behind them. If you do it wrong, you'll end up with something like this, which basically made me feel very swamped whilst reading. Actually, it was the second and third stanzas which made me feel swamped.

Look up 'Spastic Society' by 'the Network'. It's essentially a collection of odd words presented by a strange voice to a new wave sound. However, whilst it's a really stupid joke of a song, these words all combine to create an image of what was going through the writer's head when they wrote it, and there's a fairly simple meaning to the song.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Feb 17, 2007,
#21
Quote by mightymuffinman
long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,
and your lacerations will open up and smile

this makes no sense narcolepsy is a sleep disorder nothing 2 do with skin grafts i think you're just putin words like that for the sake of it. i no this cos i myself is a sufer of narcolepitc syndrome

IT'S A FUCKING METAPHOR.

agh. i'm getting so sick of people telling me what
was going through my head when i wrote this piece.
you don't know what i was thinking when i wrote this.
please stop telling me that i DID use big words just for
the sake of using big words. i used them to make this
more interesting and so that it DOESN'T sound at all like
every fucking other piece you could read on this board.
like. i'm sorry for getting so upset at this, but it's not my
problem that you guys can't read the "big" words in here
fast enough or at all or whatever the problem seems to be.

okay. look.

i understand narcolepsy can't ACTUALLY make a skin graft.
people can't fucking become ornaments either, but it's here
because it's a fucking metaphor. if you can't understand that,
then maybe you shouldn't be reading lyrics, let alone writing them.

i'm sorry for getting upset at this. i just hate it
when people insult what they can't understand.
there's a lot of substance behind this writing, and
i don't think it's fair to dismiss it as meaningless
just because you can't understand it and its meaning.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Feb 17, 2007,
#22
Haha.

Yeah, of course it was a metaphor, they seemed to be in abundance. (Actually that bit he picked up on was a particularly nice part I probably should mention since my crit wasn't too positive.)

About the big words thing - It's just opinion, that there were so many long words it almost became unnecessary. Clearly, it was not pseudo-intellectual, because you're not an idiot, but I just felt as though I needed a breather from them whilst reading.

Bear in mind that this was the only criticism most people had, and therefore if you forget that one thing, most people liked the substance and at least some of the language you used.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#23
Maybe instead of yelling at people because they dont understand your metaphors, you should try explaining what they mean instead hmm? Because it seems like the biggest problem that people have with your piece is that they can't understand what you're trying to say.
And it's not because of your vocabulary. Im sure most of the people here can understand the majority of your words. I for one know every word you used. Its all your metaphors that people dont understand. Sure, they might make sense to you. They might even make sense to other people if they knew what you were trying to say. But this thread has clearly illustrated that the majority of observers/listeners are not gonna have a ****ing clue about what these lyrics mean. Which means you have a couple of options:

1) explain what some of the metaphors mean. Maybe after having them explained some people will feel like other people could understand it too.

2) take the advise given to you and work on the lyrics some to use less ambiguous and cryptic metaphors

3) keep them the way that they are and just accept the fact that if this song is ever played for an audience, in all likelihood most if not all of them won't understand what you're trying to say.


Pick a door
Quote by lefty_strat_str
Only buy guitars that have had their wood harvested from the north side of the tree, during the summer solstice, by virgin druids suffering from dwarfism. Next stupid question, please.
#24
pouring formaldehyde into arterioles,
i will disinfect your metronome.
this is a pyrrhic victory,
the crux of which resides in chrome.
with lacunae in our fingertips,
we will dance like acute angles.

i long for the day that narcolepsy
will make its skin graft once again,
and your lacerations will open up and smile.
i want to taste vicissitude,
and turn my wounds incarnadine.
i want to taste the callowness
that i haven't known in ages.


I don't see how anyone can defend this as not being purely a dive into the self indulgent.

formaldehyde into arterioles, pour i will disinfect your metronome, this is a pyyrhic victory

That isn't a metaphor, that is a ****ing chemical equation.

Seriously guys.
#25
Quote by pixiesfanyo
I don't see how anyone can defend this as not being purely a dive into the self indulgent.

formaldehyde into arterioles, pour i will disinfect your metronome, this is a pyyrhic victory

That isn't a metaphor, that is a ****ing chemical equation.

Seriously guys.


i agree.

steve, your argument doesn't make much sense to me because internal rhyme and assonance are perfectly possible without overloading a poem in large words. i don't think it's necessarily better to be colloquial, but i definitely don't think it's got less potential for literary techniques or meaning either. it's arrogant for you to think so, but you said it was, so i guess you know that. i personally think it takes greater skill to include internal rhyme and meaning in a colloquial, seemingly simple piece than a complicated one in almost every case. plus, i don't think kyle's piece here really utilizes the benefits of using obscure words that you mention, or really uses that many obscure words.

i'd say phyrric, lacunae, cacophony, vicissitude and incarnadine are the only words that everybody wouldn't know already. i also think that none of them add value to the poem. i think a poem takes a lot more than big words, meaning and metaphors to be good, and this is an example of why.

not to say this is horrible, i enjoyed quite a bit of it (cuts smiling, ornaments adorning a wall of bayonets), i just think you need to work towards utilizing vocabulary in a way that it benefits the poem or (preferably in my opinion) should work towards a more simplistic style that allows the meaning/cleverness you're trying to exude by using a bloated dictionary.

keep at it.
#26
thanks a lot corey.

that was the most helpful crit i've gotten in ages.
i think i'll go a bit more simplistic in future pieces,
but i'm probably not going to go back to the level
of simplicity that i used to have in my old pieces.

I just want to sleep forever.


#27
Well I never incinuated that it was better, for me at least it alows more options. As for it being a greater skill to use such techniques in a simpler piece I dont really agree (I.e. we agree to disagree) I dont actualy see it being in favour eitherway. While having a larger vocab gives you more options its then choosing the right word, and more importantly using it effectively, on the other hand, to find an accessible word with the same effect is equally difficult. Well again I was being arrogant when I meant that kyles piece utilises hightened diction, for us its not, for some, yes. The word that stumped me was "phyrric" imo an awesome word with many double meanings, of which I shall use! Its where we differ.

Sorry Kyle, spamming over.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.